I'm terrible at designing websites (and at a lot of other things). I took a shot at it in 1999 when I was in 9th grade, but I failed. I designed anime fanpages back then, and I thought I was some hot shit. I was all like "heh, this site has SIX different anime on it, whereas most just have DBZ. I am ahead of my competition!" Because I had that singular thought, I did not sleep with a woman until I was 20 and the culmination of about 8,000 showers washed the nerd off me.
I don't know why I felt the need to share that, but the point is: I need a better blog. This one is simple but boring. It also lacks functionality. My side-bars are all cramped and the lettering gets crunched up on certain resolutions.
The blog is in a large part just so that I can remember my routines, have a place to organize them, and get feedback from people who don't give a shit about how my blog looks. At the same time, however, I want random people coming in to the blog to not have their aesthetic sensibilities offended and then not want to keep reading because it looks like some hack job. I would do something like that, and I'm worried I'd lose out on potentially good commentary and insight because my blog just looks like some girl trying to get attention.
I don't have any money to pay for this with, but I promise I'll let you buy me drinks at a later date! My ex was going to help me with a header image but then I went ahead and got dumped. So if you know anyone who is decent at web design or photoshoppin', let me know.
Friday, July 16, 2010
What Worked, What Didn't
My first open mic went really well. I did not bomb! Granted it was a small venue, and the people there are really nice, so I didn't have to deal with any heckling or loud assholes in general. So this was an open mic training-wheels session.
Pros:
-Got laughs where expected
-Managed to improv pretty seamlessly into my act
-More or less maintained eye-contact with the audience
-Found appropriate voice for skit
Cons:
-Very small venue
-Would occasionally look down
-Got laughs but never gut-busting laughter
-Need to refine voice
------------------------------
What worked well:
-Everything pertaining to being dumped.
-Dirty talk jokes.
-First mom-sexy comment.
-Womp-rat bit.
-Dinner-table ex-girlfriend story.
-Facebook suggestions.
-Facebook "similar hobbies" quip.
-Facebook in the news.
-Skittle-soup
-Beginning of fat-kid sketch.
What needs to be cut:
-Facebook binge-drinking analogy. Explanation: it had their attention, but it went on too long. If I wind up making a joke about facebook comparing it to blacking out, do it as an introduction, and only for a one-liner.
-Second part of mom-sexy comments. One is enough. Or at least I need to come up with a better second example, since the first one got a lot more laughs than the second.
-As much as I want to talk about how much I hate people's updates, I need to work it into the act a different way, if at all. It takes too long to explain in order to be funny. And it's like I'm telling people what to think, which is an awful idea. So I'm cutting that.
Overall:
-Work on timing.
-Work on voice.
-Work on flow.
Otherwise it went really well. I think that I'd get to the "uproar laughter" part if I just kept the routine flowing better. From personal experience my biggest laughs don't come from a single terrific joke, they come from having multiple jokes that just keep me laughing one after the other. And eventually I'm just overwhelmed-by-funny if that makes any sense to people here?
Where I start laughing so hard I forget what I am laughing about, or when I think back to what got me started laughing like that, I can't figure out why it did. At least that is how I feel.
What do you all think about the changes?
Pros:
-Got laughs where expected
-Managed to improv pretty seamlessly into my act
-More or less maintained eye-contact with the audience
-Found appropriate voice for skit
Cons:
-Very small venue
-Would occasionally look down
-Got laughs but never gut-busting laughter
-Need to refine voice
------------------------------
What worked well:
-Everything pertaining to being dumped.
-Dirty talk jokes.
-First mom-sexy comment.
-Womp-rat bit.
-Dinner-table ex-girlfriend story.
-Facebook suggestions.
-Facebook "similar hobbies" quip.
-Facebook in the news.
-Skittle-soup
-Beginning of fat-kid sketch.
What needs to be cut:
-Facebook binge-drinking analogy. Explanation: it had their attention, but it went on too long. If I wind up making a joke about facebook comparing it to blacking out, do it as an introduction, and only for a one-liner.
-Second part of mom-sexy comments. One is enough. Or at least I need to come up with a better second example, since the first one got a lot more laughs than the second.
-As much as I want to talk about how much I hate people's updates, I need to work it into the act a different way, if at all. It takes too long to explain in order to be funny. And it's like I'm telling people what to think, which is an awful idea. So I'm cutting that.
Overall:
-Work on timing.
-Work on voice.
-Work on flow.
Otherwise it went really well. I think that I'd get to the "uproar laughter" part if I just kept the routine flowing better. From personal experience my biggest laughs don't come from a single terrific joke, they come from having multiple jokes that just keep me laughing one after the other. And eventually I'm just overwhelmed-by-funny if that makes any sense to people here?
Where I start laughing so hard I forget what I am laughing about, or when I think back to what got me started laughing like that, I can't figure out why it did. At least that is how I feel.
What do you all think about the changes?
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Potential Concept
A quick one-liner/short bit pertaining to walking in on the wrong part of a conversation. Making the first one completely believable but still sort of "ha-ha," and the second one completely absurd. I'll have to brainstorm a bit to figure something out that will work.
This is a vague reminder to myself, because I will remember the joke that I had in mind based on this alone. Sorry if it is too vague to effectively comment on.
This is a vague reminder to myself, because I will remember the joke that I had in mind based on this alone. Sorry if it is too vague to effectively comment on.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Short Set for the Week, pt.2
I'm going to be using my smartphone as a means to remind myself where to pick up if I can't remember the entire skit by tonight, so I'm going to be posting the entire thing here, updated. Just skip the parts you have already read.
-------------------------------
Opening - Being Dumped
Oh hi.
I have to be honest with you all, this is my first time doing stand-up and I'm really nervous. I'm even more nervous than the first time I ever made out with a girl. Mainly because, this time, all of you are expecting something from me, and this isn't imaginary.
In spite of that there are some startling similarities between the two situations. I'm sweating, I feel stupid, and someone is laughing at me!
Anyone here ever been dumped? Anyone? I have been dumped.
I could see it coming. She gave away subtle hints that it probably wasn't going to last.
My girlfriend called me and said that she had a dream that she cheated on me.
After she told me that her dream was to cheat on me, I thought: "You know what Ol' Matt Caron: you can still salvage this situation." So I said, in the sexiest voice I could muster through the tears: "Baby, I can make all of your wildest dreams come true."
I don't blame my ex for breaking up with me. I would ruin potentially sexy moments pretty habitually.
One time we were kissing, right. *point to audience member* Right, this guy knows what I'm talking about! Yeah! *hi5 audience member*
And she asked me to talk dirty to her. I've never been much for talking during hook ups. I would never know how to reply because I think me saying anything remotely sensual sounds ridiculous.
I'd be worried that I'd just outright mess it up by not really thinking my dirty-talk through correctly. You know she'd say something like, "Hey baby, tell me something crazy you'd do with me?" And I would just be all "oooohhh yeah: shave a goat."
I'll try anything once, though. Dating is about compromise.
So I was doing well enough, saying filthy words in a context that my mother would most-definitely disapprove of--that is how you know you're being sexy correctly. Just think "would my mother approve of what I am about to say?" If the answer is "no," then what you are about to say is sexy.
I will give you an example, audience:
"Guess what we are doing tonight babe? Eating dessert before dinner." Take that one mom; a renegade to the end.
Another example?
"Oh so you like bad boys huh? Well guess what I did earlier today? Mmmm: sent to the principal's office." Keep in mind that I am 24.
-------------------------------
Starting Bit - Relationships
I've never been too good with relationships. I got kind of a late start.
I didn't even make out with a girl until my senior year of high school. I'm like the Luke Skywalker of making out, though. By the time I was a senior I was bulls-eyeing chicks resembling womp-rats no wider than two meters. That's a little private joke between me and every other nerd in the audience.
In one of my first relationships, I was at dinner with her family, and she misspoke. Her dad said "ha-ha, I hope you don't mind, but she is illiterate." Everyone laughed. I did a faux-chuckle and said "Hah, well, lucky for her: illiteracy is a huge turn-on of mine."
I have a difficult time talking to girls because I'm awkward, and so I have to figure out other ways to impress them.
So I do that with my degree. I take it bars with me to help my chances of romantic success. It is wrapped around a baseball bat and I show it to the ladies very fast and without warning.
I call it the "cave-man method." And anyone would say that my bar-room "game" has terrific follow-through.
Plus being used as a bludgeoning tool is basically my English degree's only practical use.
-------------------------------
Body - Facebook
Facebook is what I like to call a "blackout activity." It's basically something you can work at for hours and not only accomplish absolutely nothing, but also contact all your friends without trying and then feel filthy after you stop.
It sounds weird, comparing facebook to binge-drinking, but lets put it in perspective:
When you drink, you set aside an evening to basically put all sorts of things in your body that basically make you stupid, but at the same time, make you feel smart--like everything you say is brilliant. When you go around reading people's observations and quoted song lyrics in their status updates on facebook, believe it or not: you are getting dumber, and you're going to click that "like" button.
You can't tell good from bad when you're drunk. Someone will say something that is decidedly not-profound but you'll jump all over it all like "Oh man yes that is exactly what I think all the time yes you are so smart." Especially if it is some girl that you are trying to flirt with.
Think about facebook for a second. You and all of your friends decide to "like" everything one another says, no matter how dumb it is, and ESPECIALLY if it is a cute girl. Scratch that. ESPECIALLY if it is a girl that isn't ugly.
*adlib some nonsense a Valley Girl would say--I can do it on the fly* There is always some stooge on there liking it and complimenting her crap.
Good thing facebook doesn't have a "pee on this person's property" button, but if you spend hours on there, I'm sure you'll find some group dedicated to adding one. (In my actual skit it will probably be changed to an "impregnate" button)
Facebook is invading our lives.
Everytime I log on I see some sort of suggestion. "I suggest contacting such and such," "You used to know such and such, why not friend them," "Many people 'like' this, you have this hobby in common, you'll probably like this too!"
Back off facebook; I am capable of making decisions without you! I say outloud to myself, ignoring the fact that I'm sitting on facebook in my boxers because I can't decide whether or not I want to wear pants on my day off.
I'm terrified as to how much facebook knows about me. Remember I was recently dumped? I half-expect facebook to say "Feeling pretty lonely tonight? Why not contact Ashley. She also spends a lot of time here, so she is probably single." "You haven't contacted Steph in a while, based on her status updates her self-esteem is down, now is the time!" "Sarah has gained weight, she'll probably date you now." "I suggest you stop playing Dungeons and Dragons if you ever want to kiss another woman that looks human." Gaaaahh, facebook!
-------------------------------
Closing - Young Times
Facebook made the news, recently. Some 15 year old called another 15 year old a "punk" on his facebook wall. The guy who was called a punk reacted in the only reasonable manner one can in this sort of situation: he stabbed the guy that called him a punk.
Upon further questioning, he said that he felt "belittled, insulted, and threatened." And what I really wonder: is what kind of life did this guy lead where he has never been insulted before? It is impossible to go through elementary school, middle school, and high school without being made fun of!
If I stabbed every dude who called me names and made me feel like crap throughout MY life, I'd have committed genocide. There would be a friggin' mass-grave outside of my house, and the body count would be rising to this day!
I wouldn't have a dad anymore, I'll tell you that.
He meant well, but I used to be a fat kid, and after every swim meet he would say, "hey, great races Matt. You'd have had much better times if you weighed 20lbs less." Who says that to a kid?! My dad does.
Yes, I grew up fat. It was because I ate gross things, not because I had a slow metabolism. Let me give you an example: I would melt down star bursts into a bowl and then sprinkle skittles over it and make "skittle soup," and then eat it with a spoon. I see some of you cringing. It's ok, what I am telling you is in fact pretty gross.
I, at one point, have had the "fat kid disease." No, not diabetes. I had bacon lung at one point, it was awful. It is a debilitating condition that occurs when a fat kid gets over-zealous about eating bacon, eats it too fast, and literally breathes the bacon down his wind pipe. Oh God, the price of our chubby little hubris is so high...
I never suffered from "Goose Huffs" but I've seen it. It's difficult to describe but let me paint you a picture: you and your friends have finished playing dodgeball. Everyone is panting from the exertion. Except for Sammy the fat kid, he is doing this: *perform Goose Huffs.*
And would our friends be respectful when we were fat kids? Hell no! Kids were ruthless and it was fine, because that is what we expected then.
Kids are a lot more forgiving than adults are. The crap we used to get away with doing to our friends as kids, and still keep them as friends, would never fly as adults. For example I punched my best friend in the balls when I was in 4th grade. We still talk.
If I punched my friend Jessi in the balls, SHE and I would totally not be friends anymore!
We turn eight, and for ten blissful years until we are 18, we can basically take any amount of crap from our friends and still be friends with them. Then, as "young adults" something happens: we develop self-esteem, and that just screws everything up!
As kids we don't read anything into actions, we just accept it. We didn't waste our time getting pissed about "could be"s. If I don't reply to a text from some girl, she will get all worked up making assumptions like I'm mad at her, or ignoring her, and get all indignant. You know what she'd do if we were kids? Get distracted by Nickelodeon and instantly forget. It would be AWESOME if that worked on women at my age. "Well yes I know that I forgot your birthday but hey look Ninja Turtles is on!"
Alright I think you've had enough, thanks for listening folks.
-------------------------------
-------------------------------
Opening - Being Dumped
Oh hi.
I have to be honest with you all, this is my first time doing stand-up and I'm really nervous. I'm even more nervous than the first time I ever made out with a girl. Mainly because, this time, all of you are expecting something from me, and this isn't imaginary.
In spite of that there are some startling similarities between the two situations. I'm sweating, I feel stupid, and someone is laughing at me!
Anyone here ever been dumped? Anyone? I have been dumped.
I could see it coming. She gave away subtle hints that it probably wasn't going to last.
My girlfriend called me and said that she had a dream that she cheated on me.
After she told me that her dream was to cheat on me, I thought: "You know what Ol' Matt Caron: you can still salvage this situation." So I said, in the sexiest voice I could muster through the tears: "Baby, I can make all of your wildest dreams come true."
I don't blame my ex for breaking up with me. I would ruin potentially sexy moments pretty habitually.
One time we were kissing, right. *point to audience member* Right, this guy knows what I'm talking about! Yeah! *hi5 audience member*
And she asked me to talk dirty to her. I've never been much for talking during hook ups. I would never know how to reply because I think me saying anything remotely sensual sounds ridiculous.
I'd be worried that I'd just outright mess it up by not really thinking my dirty-talk through correctly. You know she'd say something like, "Hey baby, tell me something crazy you'd do with me?" And I would just be all "oooohhh yeah: shave a goat."
I'll try anything once, though. Dating is about compromise.
So I was doing well enough, saying filthy words in a context that my mother would most-definitely disapprove of--that is how you know you're being sexy correctly. Just think "would my mother approve of what I am about to say?" If the answer is "no," then what you are about to say is sexy.
I will give you an example, audience:
"Guess what we are doing tonight babe? Eating dessert before dinner." Take that one mom; a renegade to the end.
Another example?
"Oh so you like bad boys huh? Well guess what I did earlier today? Mmmm: sent to the principal's office." Keep in mind that I am 24.
-------------------------------
Starting Bit - Relationships
I've never been too good with relationships. I got kind of a late start.
I didn't even make out with a girl until my senior year of high school. I'm like the Luke Skywalker of making out, though. By the time I was a senior I was bulls-eyeing chicks resembling womp-rats no wider than two meters. That's a little private joke between me and every other nerd in the audience.
In one of my first relationships, I was at dinner with her family, and she misspoke. Her dad said "ha-ha, I hope you don't mind, but she is illiterate." Everyone laughed. I did a faux-chuckle and said "Hah, well, lucky for her: illiteracy is a huge turn-on of mine."
I have a difficult time talking to girls because I'm awkward, and so I have to figure out other ways to impress them.
So I do that with my degree. I take it bars with me to help my chances of romantic success. It is wrapped around a baseball bat and I show it to the ladies very fast and without warning.
I call it the "cave-man method." And anyone would say that my bar-room "game" has terrific follow-through.
Plus being used as a bludgeoning tool is basically my English degree's only practical use.
-------------------------------
Body - Facebook
Facebook is what I like to call a "blackout activity." It's basically something you can work at for hours and not only accomplish absolutely nothing, but also contact all your friends without trying and then feel filthy after you stop.
It sounds weird, comparing facebook to binge-drinking, but lets put it in perspective:
When you drink, you set aside an evening to basically put all sorts of things in your body that basically make you stupid, but at the same time, make you feel smart--like everything you say is brilliant. When you go around reading people's observations and quoted song lyrics in their status updates on facebook, believe it or not: you are getting dumber, and you're going to click that "like" button.
You can't tell good from bad when you're drunk. Someone will say something that is decidedly not-profound but you'll jump all over it all like "Oh man yes that is exactly what I think all the time yes you are so smart." Especially if it is some girl that you are trying to flirt with.
Think about facebook for a second. You and all of your friends decide to "like" everything one another says, no matter how dumb it is, and ESPECIALLY if it is a cute girl. Scratch that. ESPECIALLY if it is a girl that isn't ugly.
*adlib some nonsense a Valley Girl would say--I can do it on the fly* There is always some stooge on there liking it and complimenting her crap.
Good thing facebook doesn't have a "pee on this person's property" button, but if you spend hours on there, I'm sure you'll find some group dedicated to adding one. (In my actual skit it will probably be changed to an "impregnate" button)
Facebook is invading our lives.
Everytime I log on I see some sort of suggestion. "I suggest contacting such and such," "You used to know such and such, why not friend them," "Many people 'like' this, you have this hobby in common, you'll probably like this too!"
Back off facebook; I am capable of making decisions without you! I say outloud to myself, ignoring the fact that I'm sitting on facebook in my boxers because I can't decide whether or not I want to wear pants on my day off.
I'm terrified as to how much facebook knows about me. Remember I was recently dumped? I half-expect facebook to say "Feeling pretty lonely tonight? Why not contact Ashley. She also spends a lot of time here, so she is probably single." "You haven't contacted Steph in a while, based on her status updates her self-esteem is down, now is the time!" "Sarah has gained weight, she'll probably date you now." "I suggest you stop playing Dungeons and Dragons if you ever want to kiss another woman that looks human." Gaaaahh, facebook!
-------------------------------
Closing - Young Times
Facebook made the news, recently. Some 15 year old called another 15 year old a "punk" on his facebook wall. The guy who was called a punk reacted in the only reasonable manner one can in this sort of situation: he stabbed the guy that called him a punk.
Upon further questioning, he said that he felt "belittled, insulted, and threatened." And what I really wonder: is what kind of life did this guy lead where he has never been insulted before? It is impossible to go through elementary school, middle school, and high school without being made fun of!
If I stabbed every dude who called me names and made me feel like crap throughout MY life, I'd have committed genocide. There would be a friggin' mass-grave outside of my house, and the body count would be rising to this day!
I wouldn't have a dad anymore, I'll tell you that.
He meant well, but I used to be a fat kid, and after every swim meet he would say, "hey, great races Matt. You'd have had much better times if you weighed 20lbs less." Who says that to a kid?! My dad does.
Yes, I grew up fat. It was because I ate gross things, not because I had a slow metabolism. Let me give you an example: I would melt down star bursts into a bowl and then sprinkle skittles over it and make "skittle soup," and then eat it with a spoon. I see some of you cringing. It's ok, what I am telling you is in fact pretty gross.
I, at one point, have had the "fat kid disease." No, not diabetes. I had bacon lung at one point, it was awful. It is a debilitating condition that occurs when a fat kid gets over-zealous about eating bacon, eats it too fast, and literally breathes the bacon down his wind pipe. Oh God, the price of our chubby little hubris is so high...
I never suffered from "Goose Huffs" but I've seen it. It's difficult to describe but let me paint you a picture: you and your friends have finished playing dodgeball. Everyone is panting from the exertion. Except for Sammy the fat kid, he is doing this: *perform Goose Huffs.*
And would our friends be respectful when we were fat kids? Hell no! Kids were ruthless and it was fine, because that is what we expected then.
Kids are a lot more forgiving than adults are. The crap we used to get away with doing to our friends as kids, and still keep them as friends, would never fly as adults. For example I punched my best friend in the balls when I was in 4th grade. We still talk.
If I punched my friend Jessi in the balls, SHE and I would totally not be friends anymore!
We turn eight, and for ten blissful years until we are 18, we can basically take any amount of crap from our friends and still be friends with them. Then, as "young adults" something happens: we develop self-esteem, and that just screws everything up!
As kids we don't read anything into actions, we just accept it. We didn't waste our time getting pissed about "could be"s. If I don't reply to a text from some girl, she will get all worked up making assumptions like I'm mad at her, or ignoring her, and get all indignant. You know what she'd do if we were kids? Get distracted by Nickelodeon and instantly forget. It would be AWESOME if that worked on women at my age. "Well yes I know that I forgot your birthday but hey look Ninja Turtles is on!"
Alright I think you've had enough, thanks for listening folks.
-------------------------------
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Short Set for the Week, pt1
I am doing a very small open mic this week, and I have to create a family-friendly set for it. So I'm going to use this as a means to organize that set for this week. Since I'm scrapping certain sets and adding other ones in, this can be considered a more up-to-date potential set order. As always, please give suggestions where you think things could be improved.
------------------------------------
Opening - Being Dumped
Oh hi.
I have to be honest with you all, this is my first time doing stand-up and I'm really nervous. I'm even more nervous than the first time I ever got laid. Mainly because, this time, of you are expecting something from me, and my first make-out was imaginary. (For the Coffee Co. any instances of "sex" will be replaced with "make out." Yeah it's not quite the same, but it has the same effect, and it's family safe.)
In spite of that there are some startling similarities between the two situations. I'm sweating, I feel stupid, and someone is laughing at me! (As per anonymous suggestion which I've found is much better)
Anyone here ever been dumped? Anyone? I have been dumped. (If audience doesn't reply, playfully pick on one of them, but don't be a prick. It's important to interact with the audience but not alienate any part of it negatively)
I could see it coming. She gave away subtle hints that it probably wasn't going to last.
My girlfriend sent me a text that said that she had a dream that she cheated on me.
After she told me that her dream was to cheat on me, I thought: "You know what Ol' Matt Caron: you can still salvage this situation." So I said, in the sexiest voice I could muster through the tears: "Baby, I can make all of your wildest dreams come true."
I don't blame my ex for breaking up with me. I would ruin potentially sexy moments pretty habitually.
One time we were kissing, right. *point to audience member* Right, this guy knows what I'm talking about! Yeah! *hi5 audience member*
One time we were kissing, right. *point to audience member* Right, this guy knows what I'm talking about! Yeah! *hi5 audience member*
And she asked me to talk dirty to her. I've never been much for talking during hook ups. I would never know how to reply because I think me saying anything remotely sensual sounds ridiculous.
I'll try anything once, though.
So I was doing things like saying filthy words in a context that my mother would most-definitely disapprove of--that is how you know you're being sexy correctly. Just think "would my mother approve of what I am about to say?" If the answer is "no," then what you are about to say is sexy.
So I was doing things like saying filthy words in a context that my mother would most-definitely disapprove of--that is how you know you're being sexy correctly. Just think "would my mother approve of what I am about to say?" If the answer is "no," then what you are about to say is sexy.
"Guess what we are doing tonight babe? Eating dessert before dinner." Take that one mom; a renegade to the end.
I'd constantly slip up during the dirty-talk and completely ruin the mood. It's hard to be sexy when you are inherently not-sexy: "Tell me something crazy you'd do with me." "Oh baby...rob a bank."
Starting Bit - Relationships
I've never been too good with relationships. I got kind of a late start.
I didn't even make out with a girl until my senior year of high school. I'm like the Luke Skywalker of making out, though. By the time I was a senior I was bulls-eyeing chicks that were no wider than two meters. That's a little private joke between me and every other nerd in the audience.
In one of my first relationships, I was at dinner with her family, and she misspoke. Her dad said "ha-ha, I hope you don't mind, but she is illiterate." Everyone laughed. I did a faux-chuckle and said "Hah, well, lucky for her: illiteracy is a huge turn-on of mine."
Until I got into my second year of college, I was basically invisible to women. I mean that metaphorically, in that they could see me but they just didn't notice me since I was fat and didn't have any confidence. Also I would hide behind bushes and hold my breath.
Now: I impress women with my degree. I take it bars with me to help my chances of romantic success. It is wrapped around a baseball bat and I show it to the ladies very fast and without warning. (This is actually on a dating profile that I have online, and it gets pretty positive reception so I'm going to try it out loud and see how it goes. I feel like it's misleading enough to make people chuckle).
I call it the "cave-man method." And anyone would say that my bar-room "game" has terrific follow-through. Plus being used as a bludgeoning tool is basically my English degree's only pragmatic use.
Total Time Spoken: 3mins24seconds. I could speak out certain parts quicker, and I'm going to see about cutting certain parts, but that makes sense for the start of the act.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
To Woman: I get it now
I was thinking maybe I could transition from being bad at relationships to this anecdote. I really don't want my act to be a series of one liners that are loosely tied together by a theme. I think one of my strengths is telling a good story, so I'd like to at least attempt to run with that and make one of my jokes a true story with one-liners laced in.
If it seems boring or whatever, please let me know. I think more than anything I appreciate people telling me that something simply isn't funny. It will save me a lot of embarrassment down the line when I have to stand on stage and do the jokes. I'd ask that you try to word them in a comical way in your head before instantly assuming they aren't funny, though.
One of my favorite comedians, Mitch Fatel, has a hilarious bit that he does, but it doesn't work on paper very well. The vast majority of his jokes are reliant on his "faux retarded" musing delivery. Chances are if it doesn't sound funny it probably isn't, but still, give me the benefit of the doubt.
--------------------------------
[I'm going to put the story here once I get home/a chance to write it. I have to get ready to go to work and don't have enough time to write what I wanted to. Check back later tonight!]
If it seems boring or whatever, please let me know. I think more than anything I appreciate people telling me that something simply isn't funny. It will save me a lot of embarrassment down the line when I have to stand on stage and do the jokes. I'd ask that you try to word them in a comical way in your head before instantly assuming they aren't funny, though.
One of my favorite comedians, Mitch Fatel, has a hilarious bit that he does, but it doesn't work on paper very well. The vast majority of his jokes are reliant on his "faux retarded" musing delivery. Chances are if it doesn't sound funny it probably isn't, but still, give me the benefit of the doubt.
--------------------------------
[I'm going to put the story here once I get home/a chance to write it. I have to get ready to go to work and don't have enough time to write what I wanted to. Check back later tonight!]
Friday, July 9, 2010
Something I Overlooked
I like to think that anything can be turned into a joke. I read Carlin's bit about how he could turn rape into a joke. But I think sometimes it also requires a certain stage presence to do that, which I'm not sure that I have ready, yet. As Derek pointed out following my traffic brainstorm: some things may be TOO universal to make jokes about. To the point where people think about them so much while interacting with them that mentioning them on stage only really achieves redundancy.
This is a learning experience for me with every new joke I write or anecdote that I attempt, and I think I learned something valuable from failing with traffic as a topic: being able to universally relate a topic to someone is great, but if they he/she has already exhausted the topic in his/her own life, I'm not really necessary.
In future if I think I'm touching on a subject that is overdone, then I'll probably keep it to a brief quip between skits.
This is a learning experience for me with every new joke I write or anecdote that I attempt, and I think I learned something valuable from failing with traffic as a topic: being able to universally relate a topic to someone is great, but if they he/she has already exhausted the topic in his/her own life, I'm not really necessary.
In future if I think I'm touching on a subject that is overdone, then I'll probably keep it to a brief quip between skits.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Relationships pt.2
[Continued from last night]
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I don't blame my ex for breaking up with me. I would ruin potentially hot moments habitually.
One time we were hooking up, right. *point to audience member* Right, this guy knows what I'm talking about! Yeah! *hi5 audience member* And she asked me to talk dirty to her. I've never been much for talking during hook ups, but I always aim to please. So I started to talk dirty while we were hooking up. She was getting really into it. I'm not going to try to disguise it, audience: when I whisper to women they tend to go wild with lust. Maybe if a few of you laugh at me enough, I'll do it to you behind a dumpster after the show.
So I was doing things like saying filthy words in a context that my mother would most-definitely disapprove of--that is how you know you're being sexy correctly. Just think "would my mother approve of what I am about to say?" If the answer is "no," then what you are about to say is sexy.
Then I had a thought: now is the time to make a joke. "This will be funny, later," I thought. So I leaned in close to her ear, and had a really good build up. I was using a lot of metaphors because I know how much women dig metaphors. And then, right when she was starting to get all hot and bothered: "mmmm, and then I knock you out and steal your bike." *I* thought it was funny. I was wrong, you see.
Avian Flu was a big terror, and then we had swine flu, which was supposedly a tremendous epidemic that would kill us all. I think the media is just making up diseases to scare us so they'll have something to report on at this point, but they're patterning themselves off of Mega Man villains. Just taking some arbitrary word and adding "flu" to the end of it.
Next will be giraffe hepatitis; a crucial STD that was brought to the U.S. after a drunk sorority girl was sexually assaulted by a, you guessed it: one hell of a bro-giraffe. What does this have to do with relationships? Fucking nothing.
Until I got into my second year of college, I was basically invisible to women. I mean that metaphorically, in that they could see me but they just didn't notice me since I was fat and didn't have any confidence. Also I would hide behind bushes and wait until nightfall.
[Will continue later.]
--------------------------------------
I don't blame my ex for breaking up with me. I would ruin potentially hot moments habitually.
One time we were hooking up, right. *point to audience member* Right, this guy knows what I'm talking about! Yeah! *hi5 audience member* And she asked me to talk dirty to her. I've never been much for talking during hook ups, but I always aim to please. So I started to talk dirty while we were hooking up. She was getting really into it. I'm not going to try to disguise it, audience: when I whisper to women they tend to go wild with lust. Maybe if a few of you laugh at me enough, I'll do it to you behind a dumpster after the show.
So I was doing things like saying filthy words in a context that my mother would most-definitely disapprove of--that is how you know you're being sexy correctly. Just think "would my mother approve of what I am about to say?" If the answer is "no," then what you are about to say is sexy.
Then I had a thought: now is the time to make a joke. "This will be funny, later," I thought. So I leaned in close to her ear, and had a really good build up. I was using a lot of metaphors because I know how much women dig metaphors. And then, right when she was starting to get all hot and bothered: "mmmm, and then I knock you out and steal your bike." *I* thought it was funny. I was wrong, you see.
Avian Flu was a big terror, and then we had swine flu, which was supposedly a tremendous epidemic that would kill us all. I think the media is just making up diseases to scare us so they'll have something to report on at this point, but they're patterning themselves off of Mega Man villains. Just taking some arbitrary word and adding "flu" to the end of it.
Next will be giraffe hepatitis; a crucial STD that was brought to the U.S. after a drunk sorority girl was sexually assaulted by a, you guessed it: one hell of a bro-giraffe. What does this have to do with relationships? Fucking nothing.
Until I got into my second year of college, I was basically invisible to women. I mean that metaphorically, in that they could see me but they just didn't notice me since I was fat and didn't have any confidence. Also I would hide behind bushes and wait until nightfall.
[Will continue later.]
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Relationships pt.1
The following is a bit that I was thinking about a while ago when I was still dating. I would never want to actually make fun of a girlfriend in my act, but I wouldn't be above lying to effect. In this case, I was actually dumped, so I'm no longer lying! Which makes speaking from experience all-the-more easy!
This will be the first bit that I run, so in a way I consider it one of my best, so far. The goal when I run a joke first is to endear myself to the audience so I actually have their attention for the rest of the show. If anyone thinks another bit would work better to open, let me know.
As always, not all of these jokes will make it in. I'm looking to find the best ones from it.
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Oh hi.
I have to be honest with you all, this is my first time doing stand-up and I'm really nervous. I'm even more nervous than the first time I ever got laid. Mainly because all of you are expecting something from me, and my first sexual experience was imaginary.
In spite of that there are some startling similarities between the two situations. I'm sweating a lot, I feel kinda stupid, and you're all laughing; so did she!
Anyone here ever been dumped? Anyone? I have been dumped.
I could see it coming. She gave away subtle hints that it probably wasn't going to last. My girlfriend sent me a text that said that she had a dream that she cheated on me.
After she told me that her dream was to cheat on me, I thought: "You know what Ol' Matt Caron: you can still salvage this situation." So I said, in the sexiest voice I could muster through the tears: "Baby, I can make all of your wildest dreams come true."
I've never been too good with relationships. I got kind of a late start.
I didn't even make out with a girl until my senior year of high school. I'm like the Luke Skywalker of making out, though. By the time I was a senior I was bulls-eyeing chicks that were no wider than two meters. That's a little private joke between me and every other nerd in the audience.
[I started writing this and then got tired. I'll write more later.]
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Teen Cribs
Spit-balling. A serious of individual jokes. I'm going to use this bit at some point, but I plan to pick and choose these based on which I like more, and combine them better. At the moment its just a brainstorm.
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Anyone ever heard of MTV Cribs? Yeah, it's the show where people spend money on things they don't need so you can watch at home and feel miserable.
One of the interesting things about the show is that the owners of the houses will justify why they have something set up the way they do, and it makes perfect sense to them. "Yeah we had this entire wing of the house painted with Hairy-Potter themes, and it was done by a guy that works at Disney, so don't worry: he knows what he's doing." Absolutely, and it is a good thing, too! You don't want to have a sub-par paint job; someone might walk into the separate videogame, maze-wing of the house after navigating through the other square-mile of it and assume you are some kind of cheap-skate.
After showing off the game-wing, the kid takes you downstairs to where he has a basketball court in the basement of the house. A full basketball court. Also a weight-lifting room, cardio room, and rock wall. He explains "I like to stay in shape, and this graffiti on the wall says 'go hard or go home,' I had it put there because my dad never goes hard." My basement when I was his age had a slate floor and half a couch. If I gave a tour of it I'd say "this graffiti on the wall says some gibberish in Spanish, it probably means something explicit. I left it there because I can't really see it since there is no light in this basement."
The kid's room had a big metal wall behind the bed, and he said his dad had it put there so the room would look raw and unfinished. A know a guy who is an expert at making his home look raw and unfinished. His main artistic touch is having no walls or doors or furnishings, and leaving power-tools laying around all over the place. I think there are also dead birds in it.
One of the reasons the parents give for making such a ridiculous home for their kids is: "we really wanted the neighborhood kids to want to come over and play." What a backhanded reason, right? Too bad they couldn't buy their kids some personalities--they could take those with them, later, and use them to get friends.
A girl had a separate deluxe apartment to herself in a corner of her house. Where she can "really go to be alone." Understandable. It's hard to find peace and quiet when your home is so big that you can get lost in it and rescue teams are constantly calling out your name.
She explained "this is the kitchen in my apartment. I don't ever cook here, but there is a stove in it so that I can call it a kitchen." I have a similar labeling dilemma in my house. "This is the bathroom in my house. I never shower here, but I piss impulsively and indiscriminately in it so I can call it a bathroom."
I think one of the most excessive things is the pool on this one kid's house. It is larger then any community pool I've ever been to, and it has gas-powered torches surrounding it. Even when they're not swimming. This house is literally burning gas for no reason, 24 hours a day. I couldn't come up with a bigger waste of money if I tried, and I did, because I'm a comedian.
The only thing I could think of that is more ridiculous than burning gas when it is such a crucial commodity is a house that has a giant robot, made entirely out of diamonds, whose job is to, for 24 hours a day, melt down gold so that it can be mixed with tar and cyanide and used to fill holes created by strapping bombs to endangered species and letting them run loose in a private park which has natural springs in it.
If I had the kind of money that would be required to make one of these cribs, I would build a modest sized home, and put a batcave under it.
---------------------
Anyone ever heard of MTV Cribs? Yeah, it's the show where people spend money on things they don't need so you can watch at home and feel miserable.
One of the interesting things about the show is that the owners of the houses will justify why they have something set up the way they do, and it makes perfect sense to them. "Yeah we had this entire wing of the house painted with Hairy-Potter themes, and it was done by a guy that works at Disney, so don't worry: he knows what he's doing." Absolutely, and it is a good thing, too! You don't want to have a sub-par paint job; someone might walk into the separate videogame, maze-wing of the house after navigating through the other square-mile of it and assume you are some kind of cheap-skate.
After showing off the game-wing, the kid takes you downstairs to where he has a basketball court in the basement of the house. A full basketball court. Also a weight-lifting room, cardio room, and rock wall. He explains "I like to stay in shape, and this graffiti on the wall says 'go hard or go home,' I had it put there because my dad never goes hard." My basement when I was his age had a slate floor and half a couch. If I gave a tour of it I'd say "this graffiti on the wall says some gibberish in Spanish, it probably means something explicit. I left it there because I can't really see it since there is no light in this basement." The kid's room had a big metal wall behind the bed, and he said his dad had it put there so the room would look raw and unfinished. A know a guy who is an expert at making his home look raw and unfinished. His main artistic touch is having no walls or doors or furnishings, and leaving power-tools laying around all over the place. I think there are also dead birds in it.
One of the reasons the parents give for making such a ridiculous home for their kids is: "we really wanted the neighborhood kids to want to come over and play." What a backhanded reason, right? Too bad they couldn't buy their kids some personalities--they could take those with them, later, and use them to get friends.
A girl had a separate deluxe apartment to herself in a corner of her house. Where she can "really go to be alone." Understandable. It's hard to find peace and quiet when your home is so big that you can get lost in it and rescue teams are constantly calling out your name.
She explained "this is the kitchen in my apartment. I don't ever cook here, but there is a stove in it so that I can call it a kitchen." I have a similar labeling dilemma in my house. "This is the bathroom in my house. I never shower here, but I piss impulsively and indiscriminately in it so I can call it a bathroom."I think one of the most excessive things is the pool on this one kid's house. It is larger then any community pool I've ever been to, and it has gas-powered torches surrounding it. Even when they're not swimming. This house is literally burning gas for no reason, 24 hours a day. I couldn't come up with a bigger waste of money if I tried, and I did, because I'm a comedian.
The only thing I could think of that is more ridiculous than burning gas when it is such a crucial commodity is a house that has a giant robot, made entirely out of diamonds, whose job is to, for 24 hours a day, melt down gold so that it can be mixed with tar and cyanide and used to fill holes created by strapping bombs to endangered species and letting them run loose in a private park which has natural springs in it.
If I had the kind of money that would be required to make one of these cribs, I would build a modest sized home, and put a batcave under it.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Set List so far
This is a tentative outline of how I plan to approach my set at Magooby's Joke House on the 29th:
Opening
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Poor Relationships.
Subject matters: Girlfriend's dreams/Fantasies.
Elaboration: Possibility, I need to develop this a bit more, and I know I can; I've had a lot of failed relationships in the past, and so has everyone else. This part is probably going to be the most organic aspect of my act, since I like to think the first minute or so I will just be getting-to-know the audience to develop a feel for how they react to my stage presence.
Transition: Use my late-start as a reason that I'm not very good at relationships. Ala "making up for lost time" since I used to be a fat nerd.
Body
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Growing up a Fat Kid.
Subject matters: How I got fat/fat kid diseases (much more narrow in scope than the post made)/looking in the mirror and lying.
Elaboration: Not really, no. Unless the audience is absolutely eating it up, I'm only using this segment to continue my part of the "conversation" I am having with the audience, where I set up what type of life I've led and better establish my character.
Transition: Something along the lines of "as a result I've spent a lot of time watching TV," something that leads well into the next discussion.
Ghost Adventures.
Subject matters: Absurdity of premise/how successful a frat boy can be with practiced exploitation/what passes as entertainment in this country.
Elaboration: Decidedly so. I have to take Zak Bagans and turn him into a memorable personality in this part of the act, because he will be used later in the act when I discuss porn. I'm not holding any illusions that this club will shy away from that sort of material since I've watched every single open mic that was recorded there, and it has gone over well.
Transition: Speaking of entertainment, lets talk about one of the most popular entertainment industries in the country: Porn!
Porn.
Subject matters: Is pretty awesome for guys like me/kind of like a super hero comic in how it portrays people/most annoying porn to me/fantasy marketing power of porn.
Elaboration: Yes and no. This segment will be improved in a large part. Whenever I talk about porn I always think of something more to say. I have my subject matters and I plan to lay them out in subsequent posts, but it seems every time porn is discussed, I have new input. I'm something of a porn tycoon. This will be the most highly improved segment of the act.
Transition: How I have to make a long drive home from the act. Use this to say something about how "I hope the traffic isn't bad on the drive home."
Close
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Traffic.
Subject matters: Long accidents and slowing us down/inconsiderate people/terrible people being unavoidable--how much I just wanted to eat my sandwich.
Elaboration: No. This is the close, and it has to be shot into when I have under a minute and a half left. The idea behind the close is a subject matter that can be easily adjourned from. Regardless of where I am in my traffic bit, I can always exit stage-left, which I've read and been told is the most important thing a starting comedian needs to know how to do. Once I get the signal that time is up, I will end my set. I want to establish myself as a professional in this business, and one who can be counted on to do what he signed up to do. No more no less. Professional.
Opening
------------------
Poor Relationships.
Subject matters: Girlfriend's dreams/Fantasies.
Elaboration: Possibility, I need to develop this a bit more, and I know I can; I've had a lot of failed relationships in the past, and so has everyone else. This part is probably going to be the most organic aspect of my act, since I like to think the first minute or so I will just be getting-to-know the audience to develop a feel for how they react to my stage presence.
Transition: Use my late-start as a reason that I'm not very good at relationships. Ala "making up for lost time" since I used to be a fat nerd.
Body
------------------
Growing up a Fat Kid.
Subject matters: How I got fat/fat kid diseases (much more narrow in scope than the post made)/looking in the mirror and lying.
Elaboration: Not really, no. Unless the audience is absolutely eating it up, I'm only using this segment to continue my part of the "conversation" I am having with the audience, where I set up what type of life I've led and better establish my character.
Transition: Something along the lines of "as a result I've spent a lot of time watching TV," something that leads well into the next discussion.
Ghost Adventures.
Subject matters: Absurdity of premise/how successful a frat boy can be with practiced exploitation/what passes as entertainment in this country.
Elaboration: Decidedly so. I have to take Zak Bagans and turn him into a memorable personality in this part of the act, because he will be used later in the act when I discuss porn. I'm not holding any illusions that this club will shy away from that sort of material since I've watched every single open mic that was recorded there, and it has gone over well.
Transition: Speaking of entertainment, lets talk about one of the most popular entertainment industries in the country: Porn!
Porn.
Subject matters: Is pretty awesome for guys like me/kind of like a super hero comic in how it portrays people/most annoying porn to me/fantasy marketing power of porn.
Elaboration: Yes and no. This segment will be improved in a large part. Whenever I talk about porn I always think of something more to say. I have my subject matters and I plan to lay them out in subsequent posts, but it seems every time porn is discussed, I have new input. I'm something of a porn tycoon. This will be the most highly improved segment of the act.
Transition: How I have to make a long drive home from the act. Use this to say something about how "I hope the traffic isn't bad on the drive home."
Close
------------------
Traffic.
Subject matters: Long accidents and slowing us down/inconsiderate people/terrible people being unavoidable--how much I just wanted to eat my sandwich.
Elaboration: No. This is the close, and it has to be shot into when I have under a minute and a half left. The idea behind the close is a subject matter that can be easily adjourned from. Regardless of where I am in my traffic bit, I can always exit stage-left, which I've read and been told is the most important thing a starting comedian needs to know how to do. Once I get the signal that time is up, I will end my set. I want to establish myself as a professional in this business, and one who can be counted on to do what he signed up to do. No more no less. Professional.
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At any rate, this is what I've got so far. I know you haven't heard all the jokes that I've noted in here, but trust me in that I know the strength of my own jokes relative to one another. The biggest problem with this blog at the moment if you can't hear the stage personality I've developed in order to see how it enhances the jokes. I'm going to be recording my practices sometime soon to give a better idea to help facilitate more constructive feedback.
The Angle and Thought Process
I recently read an article at my ex-girlfriend's place that said a person can't discuss humor in person, unironically, without sounding like a complete douchebag. Thank goodness this is internet, and that is the point of this blog (no, not to discuss comedy; to sound like a douchebag). My thought process when I come up with a joke starts with the subject matter, first, and then how people choose to relate to that subject matter.
The more I have been writing jokes, most of which unfortunately haven't ended up on here, I've realized that it isn't the subject matter itself that people relate to, usually, but the source of emotion it elicits in them. So what does this mean for talking about traffic?
It means: that like most jokes that all actually-successful comedians employ, my traffic bit can't just be about traffic. The angle I'm going to go with, here: is that all traffic really is, is a situation where we have to deal with completely inept people. Regardless of where we have to do it, we, people, hate having to deal with other people that we think are less capable than ourselves.
I can't count the number of times I've listened to a person talk about traffic only to have them blame the matter on someone "in this car" or "some jackass in an accident." Just like gossip about someone else in a college or workplace: we like to feel like we can see the stupidity in something and provide, if not a solution, an alternative that is not as bad.
It's the same as analyzing English literature, only it's fun to listen to a person ramble about nonsense, and not necessarily fun to decipher slang from the fuckin' Middle Ages. Not to sound [more] pretentious, but one of the things that aggravated me about people who would read literature is that they would actually focus on the plot of the story, rather than what it is designed to mean to the reader. I like a good plot as much as the next person. After all, it is necessary to actually hook someone into following the tale, but it is rarely what the tale is about.
Back to traffic and morons, though: by highlighting this stupidity and knowing the audience is on the same page as I am, it's just a matter, at that point, of locking up the punchline with something even moderately funny and being likable. Something that Michael Ian Black said in one of his routines about his 6-year old son that has really stuck with me, is that:
"I have to explain to my son that although I'm a comedian, I don't really KNOW any jokes. So when I give him my sardonic commentary about the 70s, 80s, and 90s...he is really fucking under-appreciative!"
The bottom line is I need to finish funny, sure, but the point I'm making is that a joke on its own is rarely good enough. Someone with a proper set-up and relate-able emotion behind their act will always do better than someone without. At least, that is what I think about when I'm trying to come up with something. My problem will be putting it into practice. Even an author that understands how to reach his readers can't do it if he is an awful writer.
I'm just working on being a better "author" I guess.
The more I have been writing jokes, most of which unfortunately haven't ended up on here, I've realized that it isn't the subject matter itself that people relate to, usually, but the source of emotion it elicits in them. So what does this mean for talking about traffic?
It means: that like most jokes that all actually-successful comedians employ, my traffic bit can't just be about traffic. The angle I'm going to go with, here: is that all traffic really is, is a situation where we have to deal with completely inept people. Regardless of where we have to do it, we, people, hate having to deal with other people that we think are less capable than ourselves.
I can't count the number of times I've listened to a person talk about traffic only to have them blame the matter on someone "in this car" or "some jackass in an accident." Just like gossip about someone else in a college or workplace: we like to feel like we can see the stupidity in something and provide, if not a solution, an alternative that is not as bad.
It's the same as analyzing English literature, only it's fun to listen to a person ramble about nonsense, and not necessarily fun to decipher slang from the fuckin' Middle Ages. Not to sound [more] pretentious, but one of the things that aggravated me about people who would read literature is that they would actually focus on the plot of the story, rather than what it is designed to mean to the reader. I like a good plot as much as the next person. After all, it is necessary to actually hook someone into following the tale, but it is rarely what the tale is about.
Back to traffic and morons, though: by highlighting this stupidity and knowing the audience is on the same page as I am, it's just a matter, at that point, of locking up the punchline with something even moderately funny and being likable. Something that Michael Ian Black said in one of his routines about his 6-year old son that has really stuck with me, is that:
"I have to explain to my son that although I'm a comedian, I don't really KNOW any jokes. So when I give him my sardonic commentary about the 70s, 80s, and 90s...he is really fucking under-appreciative!"
The bottom line is I need to finish funny, sure, but the point I'm making is that a joke on its own is rarely good enough. Someone with a proper set-up and relate-able emotion behind their act will always do better than someone without. At least, that is what I think about when I'm trying to come up with something. My problem will be putting it into practice. Even an author that understands how to reach his readers can't do it if he is an awful writer.
I'm just working on being a better "author" I guess.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Musing about traffic
It seems to me that something everyone can relate to would definitely be terrible traffic. This post is going to be observations regarding it, not necessarily jokes about it, as something I can reference to streamline my thoughts.
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Everyone you will talk to about rubbernecking insists that they hate it, yet everyone does it.
People slow down when they see the police, regardless of where the police officer is. He could be ridin a tricycle next to the road and people would think "oh shit I'm going the speed limit, I'd better start going 5 below or he'll pull me over!"
When I'm on the highway and it is backed up for miles, its usually an anti climactic accident. On 270 all of traffic was stopped for some white trash on the side of the road with their hood up. I don't mean to sound evil, but if I have to wait in traffic for 2 hours, someone better be dead.
I sometimes feel bad when I do see a massive accident, because I don't think of the tragedy, I think of how inconvenienced I am. Like aw damn, couldn't this guy have chosen to die on another day? This sucks!
I sometimes wonder if elderly people hallucinate when they drive, and that's why they drive so slow. They're watching something unfold that only they can see. (Insert ridiculous sighting here)
Or maybe they get distracted by their bodies? "Oh golly dear, I think I'm having an erection! Heh, false alarm my arm fell asleep."
–-----------------
Everyone you will talk to about rubbernecking insists that they hate it, yet everyone does it.
People slow down when they see the police, regardless of where the police officer is. He could be ridin a tricycle next to the road and people would think "oh shit I'm going the speed limit, I'd better start going 5 below or he'll pull me over!"
When I'm on the highway and it is backed up for miles, its usually an anti climactic accident. On 270 all of traffic was stopped for some white trash on the side of the road with their hood up. I don't mean to sound evil, but if I have to wait in traffic for 2 hours, someone better be dead.
I sometimes feel bad when I do see a massive accident, because I don't think of the tragedy, I think of how inconvenienced I am. Like aw damn, couldn't this guy have chosen to die on another day? This sucks!
I sometimes wonder if elderly people hallucinate when they drive, and that's why they drive so slow. They're watching something unfold that only they can see. (Insert ridiculous sighting here)
Or maybe they get distracted by their bodies? "Oh golly dear, I think I'm having an erection! Heh, false alarm my arm fell asleep."
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Pretty absent minded
I was waiting in line to use a bathroom at a Sheetz, recently. It was me, two other guys, and one of the guys' wife. Eventually one of the guys gets sick of waiting so he goes into the women's bathroom rather than continuing to wait for the men's.
All this time I'm completely spaced out, having only gotten about four hours of sleep, and having just made a two hour round-trip.
The lady starts gawking like someone just had a revelation. "You know what that is forward thinking!" She goes on to say "whenever the women's bathroom isn't free, I just go ahead and use the men's room!"
And me, wanting to contribute, just kind of woozily blurts out: "yeah same."
All this time I'm completely spaced out, having only gotten about four hours of sleep, and having just made a two hour round-trip.
The lady starts gawking like someone just had a revelation. "You know what that is forward thinking!" She goes on to say "whenever the women's bathroom isn't free, I just go ahead and use the men's room!"
And me, wanting to contribute, just kind of woozily blurts out: "yeah same."
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Grow up...wait no don't
My last post was a verbatim copy/paste from a facebook conversation with one Joseph Kurczewski, I was not attempting to be artsy. I feel like I need to let all two of my readers know this, just so your opinion(s) of me will not drop.
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Kids are a lot more forgiving than adults are. The shit we used to get away with doing to our friends as kids, and still keep them as friends, would never fly as adults. For example I punched my best friend in the dick when I was in 4th grade. We still talk.
If I punched my friend Jessi in the dick, her and I would totally not be friends anymore.
Everything in cycles. The means are different, but the ends are the same: babies shit their pants and then start crying. As opposed to some sixteen year old emo kid that cries so hard he shits his own pants.
We turn eight, and for ten blissful years until we are 18, we can basically take any amount of shit from our friends and still be friends with them. Then, as "young adults" something happens: we start to think highly of ourselves, develop self-esteem, and that fucks everything up!
I lost a friend because people told him that I said, behind his back, that he is creepy at clubs. If we were twelve, I could walk up to him, twist his nipples, call him a shit-faced cunt-stain to his face, then call his dead mother a whore, and the next day we'd play Street Fighter Two together and his biggest complaint would be that I abuse jump kicks.
As kids we don't read anything into actions, we just accept it. We didn't waste our time getting pissed about "could be"s. If I don't reply to a text from some girl, she will get all worked up making assumptions like I'm mad at her, or ignoring her, and get all indignant. You know what she'd do if we were kids? Get distracted by Rug Rats and instantly forget. It would be AWESOME if that worked on women at my age. "Well yes I know that I forgot your birthday but hey look Rocko's Modern Life is on!"
---------------------------------------
Kids are a lot more forgiving than adults are. The shit we used to get away with doing to our friends as kids, and still keep them as friends, would never fly as adults. For example I punched my best friend in the dick when I was in 4th grade. We still talk.
If I punched my friend Jessi in the dick, her and I would totally not be friends anymore.
Everything in cycles. The means are different, but the ends are the same: babies shit their pants and then start crying. As opposed to some sixteen year old emo kid that cries so hard he shits his own pants.
We turn eight, and for ten blissful years until we are 18, we can basically take any amount of shit from our friends and still be friends with them. Then, as "young adults" something happens: we start to think highly of ourselves, develop self-esteem, and that fucks everything up!
I lost a friend because people told him that I said, behind his back, that he is creepy at clubs. If we were twelve, I could walk up to him, twist his nipples, call him a shit-faced cunt-stain to his face, then call his dead mother a whore, and the next day we'd play Street Fighter Two together and his biggest complaint would be that I abuse jump kicks.
As kids we don't read anything into actions, we just accept it. We didn't waste our time getting pissed about "could be"s. If I don't reply to a text from some girl, she will get all worked up making assumptions like I'm mad at her, or ignoring her, and get all indignant. You know what she'd do if we were kids? Get distracted by Rug Rats and instantly forget. It would be AWESOME if that worked on women at my age. "Well yes I know that I forgot your birthday but hey look Rocko's Modern Life is on!"
Monday, June 28, 2010
New strategy
Me
im going to change my approach
on my blog im going to write short punchlines, no longer than 2-3 sentences per joke
im going to build around it as i speak
when i practice
that way i won't get too detailed
and the delivery will be more natural
so ill have raw jokes written out, but ill develop the delivery as me
not as the written me
which i think will work a whole lot better for finding my own voice
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Dissecting the Routine
I realize that my writing style does not translate very well to the spoken word. I attempted to speak out my routine from yesterday, and it isn't that it wasn't funny, its that it wasn't funny often enough. Typically a story-routine has a big build up, and that climax either delivers or it doesn't. My story has several build ups that are worth a chuckle, and a couple more that may be worth slightly more than that.
What does this mean for the routine? I need to be less wordy. Not the "using big words" type of the wordy, but the "taking more than one sentence to say I need to be less wordy."
I went through the routine and broke it up from paragraphs into shorter "idea segments" that seem to work better as tangents for the sake of a crowd. I've had my writing style complimented before, but the issue here that I have a difficult time keeping at the forefront of my material generation, is that audiences have a much shorter attention span then someone who has committed him/herself to reading an article.
No one is committed to laughing at me, I have to sell them on it as soon as I can.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Fat Kid Disease
[Potential Bit]
I did not always have this svelte physique that you see towering before you, right now.
No, for the longest time I was a fat kid. I think this is something a lot of you can identify with. I bet, also, that you were fat for the same reason I was: your metabolism was slow, and genetics were not on your side. So what the hell, knowing that, it is ok to eat three pounds of hot wings for dinner and wash it all down with a pizza.
It was also ok to melt down star bursts in a bowl and then sprinkle skittles in it to make what I affectionately refer to as "skittle soup." *Wait for disgust* I know, it's completely unacceptable! But after all that, it must have been the metabolism.
Everybody is a nutritionist. Ever notice that about people? How they love to give unsolicited advice on most things in spite of having no knowledge on those things?
When I went on the Atkins diet in college, I heard the same thing: "you can't get skinny on that diet." Oh yeah, stranger? Why is that? "It isn't healthy!" The validity of that diet notwithstanding, guess who would bestow this insight? Don't actually guess, the question is a rhetorical set-up:
Some pale soggy land-beast, exactly--he would take a moment to stop eating doritos to fill me in on how unhealthy I was being.
Not that I don't appreciate free diet advice, but I'd come to that person for some pointers on how to squeeze large objects through small openings, not healthy eating. Although I'll never have the large-in-small problem in the future (*ba-dom-chi*). For those of you that don't get it I'm making fun of my own penis.
If someone approached me and said "hey man, I'm thinking of going out into the dating world." Which is improbable in the first place, since when I'm not at work I can be found in my parents' basement organizing Magic the Gathering cards, I would not, unprompted after his statement, say: "cool man, but you'll never get anywhere with the opposite sex by being handsome and financially successful."
Because then he would stand there glowering at me, in his nice tailored-suit, fiddling with the car keys to his new BMW, smelling like a man who showers, the nerve, and think to himself "look at this smug bastard over here!"
Thankfully most of my close friends have liberal arts degrees, so being financially successful is not something we will ever have to concern ourselves with.
Would Donald Trump ask a homeless guy how to invest his money? Decidedly not! Would a homeless guy offer Donald Trump advice? Hell no! Even though, in this economy, boxes are becoming much more viable options than houses.
Growing up fat has made me privy to certain "diseases" that many of you are not aware of. Ha-ha, no; not diabetes! There is no walk-for-awareness for these diseases.
I'd like to make you aware of them, though. To raise awareness of what fat-kids have to suffer through in this obesity epidemic that our country is binge-eating its way through:
Bacon lung.
You heard me: bacon lung. It is a debilitating condition that occurs when a fat kid gets over-zealous about eating bacon, eats it too fast, and literally breathes the bacon down his wind pipe. Oh God, the price of our chubby little hubris is so high...The following several minutes are a depressing display; the fatty will hack and wheeze, shooting half-chewed bacon every direction. His eyes a-water with a combination of sweat and tears. The cure in the event of a baconocalypse such as this is to drown the problem in chocolate milk.
I had an awful case of the bacon lung, once. After I finished choking my life out, I returned to the table to finish the rest of the bacon.
Gooseitis.
The grand big-brother of asthma, the slayer of fat kids. Picture this: you're playing kick ball on the playground, you and all your friends finish your game, and everyone runs inside to get to the water fountain first. You're all panting normally. You know "hu hu" panting, like people pant. Then you hear it..."HOOOOOOOOOOONK." Everyone looks around, perplexed. "What in the fuck is that?" Then you hear it again: "HOOOOOOOOOOONK." It is the way Sammy pants after exercise: "HONK HONK HONK."
I have absolutely no formal education in physiology, but I'm fairly sure that it's just a fat-person mating call.
--------------------------------------
Transition to another line of joke from here. Two examples is enough.
--------------------------------------
I did not always have this svelte physique that you see towering before you, right now.
No, for the longest time I was a fat kid. I think this is something a lot of you can identify with. I bet, also, that you were fat for the same reason I was: your metabolism was slow, and genetics were not on your side. So what the hell, knowing that, it is ok to eat three pounds of hot wings for dinner and wash it all down with a pizza.
It was also ok to melt down star bursts in a bowl and then sprinkle skittles in it to make what I affectionately refer to as "skittle soup." *Wait for disgust* I know, it's completely unacceptable! But after all that, it must have been the metabolism.
When I went on the Atkins diet in college, I heard the same thing: "you can't get skinny on that diet." Oh yeah, stranger? Why is that? "It isn't healthy!" The validity of that diet notwithstanding, guess who would bestow this insight? Don't actually guess, the question is a rhetorical set-up:
Some pale soggy land-beast, exactly--he would take a moment to stop eating doritos to fill me in on how unhealthy I was being.
Not that I don't appreciate free diet advice, but I'd come to that person for some pointers on how to squeeze large objects through small openings, not healthy eating. Although I'll never have the large-in-small problem in the future (*ba-dom-chi*). For those of you that don't get it I'm making fun of my own penis.
If someone approached me and said "hey man, I'm thinking of going out into the dating world." Which is improbable in the first place, since when I'm not at work I can be found in my parents' basement organizing Magic the Gathering cards, I would not, unprompted after his statement, say: "cool man, but you'll never get anywhere with the opposite sex by being handsome and financially successful."
Because then he would stand there glowering at me, in his nice tailored-suit, fiddling with the car keys to his new BMW, smelling like a man who showers, the nerve, and think to himself "look at this smug bastard over here!"
Thankfully most of my close friends have liberal arts degrees, so being financially successful is not something we will ever have to concern ourselves with.
Would Donald Trump ask a homeless guy how to invest his money? Decidedly not! Would a homeless guy offer Donald Trump advice? Hell no! Even though, in this economy, boxes are becoming much more viable options than houses.
Growing up fat has made me privy to certain "diseases" that many of you are not aware of. Ha-ha, no; not diabetes! There is no walk-for-awareness for these diseases.
I'd like to make you aware of them, though. To raise awareness of what fat-kids have to suffer through in this obesity epidemic that our country is binge-eating its way through:
Bacon lung.
You heard me: bacon lung. It is a debilitating condition that occurs when a fat kid gets over-zealous about eating bacon, eats it too fast, and literally breathes the bacon down his wind pipe. Oh God, the price of our chubby little hubris is so high...The following several minutes are a depressing display; the fatty will hack and wheeze, shooting half-chewed bacon every direction. His eyes a-water with a combination of sweat and tears. The cure in the event of a baconocalypse such as this is to drown the problem in chocolate milk.
I had an awful case of the bacon lung, once. After I finished choking my life out, I returned to the table to finish the rest of the bacon.
Gooseitis.
The grand big-brother of asthma, the slayer of fat kids. Picture this: you're playing kick ball on the playground, you and all your friends finish your game, and everyone runs inside to get to the water fountain first. You're all panting normally. You know "hu hu" panting, like people pant. Then you hear it..."HOOOOOOOOOOONK." Everyone looks around, perplexed. "What in the fuck is that?" Then you hear it again: "HOOOOOOOOOOONK." It is the way Sammy pants after exercise: "HONK HONK HONK."
I have absolutely no formal education in physiology, but I'm fairly sure that it's just a fat-person mating call.
--------------------------------------
Transition to another line of joke from here. Two examples is enough.
--------------------------------------
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Great Innovators
[Potential Bit. This one is more than likely going to make it into my act. I first used it completely on the fly in an Irish Pub in Boston while my friends and I were taking a break from a video game convention. I do not know how it came up, but the premise was so amusing to me that I just ran with it.]
------------------------------------------------
+
Curve ball! That is what we call it, in the biz, where I completely misdirect my audience. Other examples of misdirection are that you probably think I'm retarded right now. Guess what? I'm not.
New innovations are completely befuddling. Who would have thought, before Thomas Edison, of using light bulbs rather than candles? The theory of relativity? That is some out-of-the-box shit if I ever did read it. The thing all of these past innovations have in common is that they have somehow benefited mankind, and advanced us as a species. So I would just accept the innovation and blissfully employ it to enhance my life, never considering for a second: "what was this person thinking that led to this innovation?" The marvel of thought behind these innovations has been beyond my grasp.
I guess what I'm building up to is: has anyone ever motor-boated some titties?
+
Curve ball! That is what we call it, in the biz, where I completely misdirect my audience. Other examples of misdirection are that you probably think I'm retarded right now. Guess what? I'm not.
I'm sure you've all heard of it, but just in case you haven't: the motor-boat is a deft sexual maneuver where, during a heated moment of passion, the guy, or guy-identified girl (lesbian) plunges head-first into those boobies and just goes like "agubububububu." Imagine me doing my best impression of a guy motor-boating some big'ol boobs. I assure you it is a spectacle.
Who thought this was a good idea? Is there some guy named Chet Snider, which by the way is the best most-stereotypical dude-brah name I could throw out there spur of the moment, anyway though: is there some guy named Chet Snider who will go down in the history books as the first innovator to think: "You know, what the hell, I'm gonna polish these tits with my face?!" I take issue with this line of thought for several reasons:
First and foremost: what in the hell, Chet?! Excuse me, ma'am *speak at a female audience member* assume that you find me attractive and we are in the bedroom doing what I like to call: "kissing a lot." You're obviously into it. Like, I'm doing the thing with the tongue where I'm like "glomp momph" and you're saying things like "oh God this is so much better than the Lifetime station," a compliment that, by the way, I never get tired of hearing when I'm kissing a girl a lot. So say I'm thinking like Chet, and I just go for it. I break from our kissing and I just dive right in there, all "agubububububu" on your boobs. Would you instantly stop the fun kissing time or would you let it awkwardly drag out for a few more minutes before having a surprise-period and asking me to leave?
That is basically the worst idea since me asking my girl friend if she wants to role play as a wizard and an apprentice. Wizard role plays are ripe with innuendo. I digress, though.
The motor-boat is not conducive to future sexual experiences, and it is certainly nothing to brag about later. Guys brag. We do. I hate to tell you women our secret, but we will often go to our friends and point out attractive women we both know and say. "Hey man, guess what I did to her?" It's not as lewd as you all think. We give multiple choice options. "Did I: a. Bone her, b. Lick her face, c. Massage her feet, or d. Shave her rampant back hair with a shard of glass?" Ok I guess it is as lewd as you think.
What kind of bragging rights does a guy who motor-boats have? "Hey guys guess what I did? I head-banged between that girl's tits and babbled nonsense while I did it!" Even all the other guys will look at him like he is nuts. Don't get me wrong, we will all think it is hilarious because, well, it is. But we would all be thinking "why on earth would a person..."
And do you know why we would think that? Because there are so many more actually awesome things that a person is in a position to do if they have the opportunity to motor-boat! The last thing I'd be thinking about if I see a pair of orb-like ta-tas is: "I wonder what it would feel like if I hit those things with my face."
------------------------------------------------
I really need to prune this skit a bit, and figure out which gags I want to keep and which I don't. This is so much better when spoken aloud. I have rehearsed it over and over, and I think that it won't really be allowed to shine until I actually interact with the audience when I do it.
It's probably the first stand up "joke" I came up with, and its the one I'm most familiar with, but at the same time I think it will be the hardest to do correctly. Because everything has to flow perfectly with the audience interaction, and if it doesn't, I'll have to improvise.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Ghosts!
[The following is my first potential bit I've posted, here. I'm flushing the subject matter, not writing it as I would say it. This is to serve as a reminder to myself of something I could use, and as practice. Constructive criticism welcome (use your discretion), but do not tell me what you would add--it's not that I don't have faith in you, it is just that at that point it has become your joke, not mine]
Ghosts are hilarious.
There is a comedic television show that I've been peripherally aware of, but never actually sat down and watched until tonight; it is called "Ghost Adventures." It is about three fraternity guys who walk around in places at night, record random noises, video tape things with no lighting, and then extrapolate that these things are ghosts and other super natural occurrences. Now I use "comedic" loosely, as many of my more astute readers are no doubt aware, so since there is an absence of proper alliteration in the written word I'll go right ahead and say that this show is meant to be documentary in nature, and not hilarious.
I honestly do not know where to get started making fun of things.
The show almost makes fun of itself to the point where I think it is nothing but one big prank on society. Like one day the cast is just going to start an episode where they stare straight at the camera and say: "A-are you kidding?! You're still watching? Holy..." When I say "makes fun of itself," I do not of course mean that when they take a picture of a bicycle leaning against a wall and claim it is a hell hound, then jovially chuckle about that and say "whatta bunch of knuckleheads we are, to assume such a thing!" I mean they position themselves as ghost experts and then say things like, and I quote:
"You have to understand, when you're dealing with ghosts, you're dealing with people who were once alive."
~Zak Bagans, ghost expert.
If this is all it takes to pass as an expert in one field or another (rephrasing what something is and then attempting to make a poignant point about it), then consider me an expert in just about every field known to man:
"You have to understand, when you're dealing with cars, you are dealing with boxes that people sit inside of to get from one place to another efficiently."
~Matt Caron, car expert.
"A vagina, after we break it down to its essence, is really nothing more than a hollow emplacement that one can put one's penis into. Please do your best to understand this."
~Matt Caron, vagina expert.
"You have to understand, when you're dealing with me, you're dealing with a person who I am."
~Matt Caron, Matt Caron expert.
I think three examples is enough, but know that I could go on with this. So, regarding my question of a prank on society: are the creators of the show the ridiculous ones for creating this, or are we the ridiculous ones for watching and believing it? This question is rhetorical but I'm afraid there are some people that watch the show reading/[listening], and so: us, we are ridiculous. We could be doing any number of things; reading books, playing video games, listening to music...fuckin', we could watch our dogs lick themselves and walk away from the experience wiser and more well-rounded than we would if we watched Ghost Adventures!
I do want put more in here, but I have other obligations tomorrow so I have to take off. Other topics include: method of investigation, validity of claims, integrity of crew. What I'd ask from you all, assuming I provide a good description of the show and what happens in it, what is the identifiability of the show to the average crowd? A joke is only good if the crowd cares about the subject matter. So perhaps I'll have to focus on something more vague and use Ghost Adventures as a means to highlight that? Let me know.
Ghosts are hilarious.
There is a comedic television show that I've been peripherally aware of, but never actually sat down and watched until tonight; it is called "Ghost Adventures." It is about three fraternity guys who walk around in places at night, record random noises, video tape things with no lighting, and then extrapolate that these things are ghosts and other super natural occurrences. Now I use "comedic" loosely, as many of my more astute readers are no doubt aware, so since there is an absence of proper alliteration in the written word I'll go right ahead and say that this show is meant to be documentary in nature, and not hilarious.
The show almost makes fun of itself to the point where I think it is nothing but one big prank on society. Like one day the cast is just going to start an episode where they stare straight at the camera and say: "A-are you kidding?! You're still watching? Holy..." When I say "makes fun of itself," I do not of course mean that when they take a picture of a bicycle leaning against a wall and claim it is a hell hound, then jovially chuckle about that and say "whatta bunch of knuckleheads we are, to assume such a thing!" I mean they position themselves as ghost experts and then say things like, and I quote:
"You have to understand, when you're dealing with ghosts, you're dealing with people who were once alive."
~Zak Bagans, ghost expert.
If this is all it takes to pass as an expert in one field or another (rephrasing what something is and then attempting to make a poignant point about it), then consider me an expert in just about every field known to man:
"You have to understand, when you're dealing with cars, you are dealing with boxes that people sit inside of to get from one place to another efficiently."
~Matt Caron, car expert.
"A vagina, after we break it down to its essence, is really nothing more than a hollow emplacement that one can put one's penis into. Please do your best to understand this."
~Matt Caron, vagina expert.
"You have to understand, when you're dealing with me, you're dealing with a person who I am."
~Matt Caron, Matt Caron expert.
I think three examples is enough, but know that I could go on with this. So, regarding my question of a prank on society: are the creators of the show the ridiculous ones for creating this, or are we the ridiculous ones for watching and believing it? This question is rhetorical but I'm afraid there are some people that watch the show reading/[listening], and so: us, we are ridiculous. We could be doing any number of things; reading books, playing video games, listening to music...fuckin', we could watch our dogs lick themselves and walk away from the experience wiser and more well-rounded than we would if we watched Ghost Adventures!I do want put more in here, but I have other obligations tomorrow so I have to take off. Other topics include: method of investigation, validity of claims, integrity of crew. What I'd ask from you all, assuming I provide a good description of the show and what happens in it, what is the identifiability of the show to the average crowd? A joke is only good if the crowd cares about the subject matter. So perhaps I'll have to focus on something more vague and use Ghost Adventures as a means to highlight that? Let me know.
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