"For Women of Color"

My mom is a bit slow, that is where I get it from.

She told me recently: "I colored my hair, so I had to get some shampoo that would work for the sort of coloring I had done.  I saw this shampoo that said 'for women of color' so I assumed that it would work for me.  Turns out that is not what the bottle meant."

...

She told me it had a black lady on it, as well.

The process for discovering this wasn't the right shampoo went something like this: "Oh, for women of color.  Well, I DID color my hair, that is probably what they mean.  Oh, a black lady on a 'for women of color' bottle--I could be black, right?"  Then when she gets in the shower and begins applying the shampoo, she thinks, "w-wait a second, I suddenly feel loud and sassy..."

After the shower when the family is watching a movie during dinner, she won't shut up.

I'm always afraid of this sort of thing happening, that is why I only use shampoo labelled "for men not-of-color."  Every time I use it my ability to dance gets worse and worse, and I like Fox News more and more.

Short Set for the Week, pt1

I am doing a very small open mic this week, and I have to create a family-friendly set for it.  So I'm going to use this as a means to organize that set for this week.  Since I'm scrapping certain sets and adding other ones in, this can be considered a more up-to-date potential set order.  As always, please give suggestions where you think things could be improved.  

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Opening - Being Dumped 

Oh hi.

I have to be honest with you all, this is my first time doing stand-up and I'm really nervous.  I'm even more nervous than the first time I ever got laid.  Mainly because, this time, of you are expecting something from me, and my first make-out was imaginary. (For the Coffee Co. any instances of "sex" will be replaced with "make out."  Yeah it's not quite the same, but it has the same effect, and it's family safe.)

In spite of that there are some startling similarities between the two situations.  I'm sweating, I feel stupid, and someone is laughing at me! (As per anonymous suggestion which I've found is much better)

Anyone here ever been dumped?  Anyone?  I have been dumped.  (If audience doesn't reply, playfully pick on one of them, but don't be a prick.  It's important to interact with the audience but not alienate any part of it negatively)

I could see it coming.  She gave away subtle hints that it probably wasn't going to last.  

My girlfriend sent me a text that said that she had a dream that she cheated on me.

After she told me that her dream was to cheat on me, I thought: "You know what Ol' Matt Caron: you can still salvage this situation."  So I said, in the sexiest voice I could muster through the tears: "Baby, I can make all of your wildest dreams come true."

I don't blame my ex for breaking up with me.  I would ruin potentially sexy moments pretty habitually.

One time we were kissing, right.  *point to audience member* Right, this guy knows what I'm talking about!  Yeah! *hi5 audience member* 

And she asked me to talk dirty to her.  I've never been much for talking during hook ups.  I would never know how to reply because I think me saying anything remotely sensual sounds ridiculous.

I'll try anything once, though.

So I was doing things like saying filthy words in a context that my mother would most-definitely disapprove of--that is how you know you're being sexy correctly.  Just think "would my mother approve of what I am about to say?"  If the answer is "no," then what you are about to say is sexy.

"Guess what we are doing tonight babe?  Eating dessert before dinner."  Take that one mom; a renegade to the end.

I'd constantly slip up during the dirty-talk and completely ruin the mood.  It's hard to be sexy when you are inherently not-sexy: "Tell me something crazy you'd do with me."  "Oh baby...rob a bank."

Starting Bit - Relationships

I've never been too good with relationships.  I got kind of a late start.  

I didn't even make out with a girl until my senior year of high school.  I'm like the Luke Skywalker of making out, though.  By the time I was a senior I was bulls-eyeing chicks that were no wider than two meters.  That's a little private joke between me and every other nerd in the audience.

In one of my first relationships, I was at dinner with her family, and she misspoke.  Her dad said "ha-ha, I hope you don't mind, but she is illiterate."  Everyone laughed.  I did a faux-chuckle and said "Hah, well, lucky for her: illiteracy is a huge turn-on of mine."

Until I got into my second year of college, I was basically invisible to women.  I mean that metaphorically, in that they could see me but they just didn't notice me since I was fat and didn't have any confidence.  Also I would hide behind bushes and hold my breath.

Now: I impress women with my degree.  I take it bars with me to help my chances of romantic success.  It is wrapped around a baseball bat and I show it to the ladies very fast and without warning. (This is actually on a dating profile that I have online, and it gets pretty positive reception so I'm going to try it out loud and see how it goes.  I feel like it's misleading enough to make people chuckle). 

I call it the "cave-man method."  And anyone would say that my bar-room "game" has terrific follow-through.  Plus being used as a bludgeoning tool is basically my English degree's only pragmatic use.

Total Time Spoken: 3mins24seconds.  I could speak out certain parts quicker, and I'm going to see about cutting certain parts, but that makes sense for the start of the act.

Teen Cribs

Spit-balling.  A serious of individual jokes.  I'm going to use this bit at some point, but I plan to pick and choose these based on which I like more, and combine them better.  At the moment its just a brainstorm. 

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Anyone ever heard of MTV Cribs?  Yeah, it's the show where people spend money on things they don't need so you can watch at home and feel miserable.

One of the interesting things about the show is that the owners of the houses will justify why they have something set up the way they do, and it makes perfect sense to them.  "Yeah we had this entire wing of the house painted with Hairy-Potter themes, and it was done by a guy that works at Disney, so don't worry: he knows what he's doing."  Absolutely, and it is a good thing, too!  You don't want to have a sub-par paint job; someone might walk into the separate videogame, maze-wing of the house after navigating through the other square-mile of it and assume you are some kind of cheap-skate.

After showing off the game-wing, the kid takes you downstairs to where he has a basketball court in the basement of the house.  A full basketball court.  Also a weight-lifting room, cardio room, and rock wall.  He explains "I like to stay in shape, and this graffiti on the wall says 'go hard or go home,' I had it put there because my dad never goes hard."  My basement when I was his age had a slate floor and half a couch.  If I gave a tour of it I'd say "this graffiti on the wall says some gibberish in Spanish, it probably means something explicit.  I left it there because I can't really see it since there is no light in this basement."

The kid's room had a big metal wall behind the bed, and he said his dad had it put there so the room would look raw and unfinished.  A know a guy who is an expert at making his home look raw and unfinished.  His main artistic touch is having no walls or doors or furnishings, and leaving power-tools laying around all over the place.  I think there are also dead birds in it.   

One of the reasons the parents give for making such a ridiculous home for their kids is: "we really wanted the neighborhood kids to want to come over and play."  What a backhanded reason, right?  Too bad they couldn't buy their kids some personalities--they could take those with them, later, and use them to get friends.

A girl had a separate deluxe apartment to herself in a corner of her house.  Where she can "really go to be alone."  Understandable.  It's hard to find peace and quiet when your home is so big that you can get lost in it and rescue teams are constantly calling out your name.

She explained "this is the kitchen in my apartment.  I don't ever cook here, but there is a stove in it so that I can call it a kitchen."  I have a similar labeling dilemma in my house.  "This is the bathroom in my house.  I never shower here, but I piss impulsively and indiscriminately in it so I can call it a bathroom."

I think one of the most excessive things is the pool on this one kid's house.  It is larger then any community pool I've ever been to, and it has gas-powered torches surrounding it.  Even when they're not swimming.  This house is literally burning gas for no reason, 24 hours a day.  I couldn't come up with a bigger waste of money if I tried, and I did, because I'm a comedian.

The only thing I could think of that is more ridiculous than burning gas when it is such a crucial commodity is a house that has a giant robot, made entirely out of diamonds, whose job is to, for 24 hours a day, melt down gold so that it can be mixed with tar and cyanide and used to fill holes created by strapping bombs to endangered species and letting them run loose in a private park which has natural springs in it.

If I had the kind of money that would be required to make one of these cribs, I would build a modest sized home, and put a batcave under it.

Grow up...wait no don't

My last post was a verbatim copy/paste from a facebook conversation with one Joseph Kurczewski, I was not attempting to be artsy.  I feel like I need to let all two of my readers know this, just so your opinion(s) of me will not drop.

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Kids are a lot more forgiving than adults are.  The shit we used to get away with doing to our friends as kids, and still keep them as friends, would never fly as adults.  For example I punched my best friend in the dick when I was in 4th grade.  We still talk.

If I punched my friend Jessi in the dick, her and I would totally not be friends anymore.

Everything in cycles.  The means are different, but the ends are the same: babies shit their pants and then start crying.  As opposed to some sixteen year old emo kid that cries so hard he shits his own pants.   

We turn eight, and for ten blissful years until we are 18, we can basically take any amount of shit from our friends and still be friends with them.  Then, as "young adults" something happens: we start to think highly of ourselves, develop self-esteem, and that fucks everything up!

I lost a friend because people told him that I said, behind his back, that he is creepy at clubs.  If we were twelve, I could walk up to him, twist his nipples, call him a shit-faced cunt-stain to his face, then call his dead mother a whore, and the next day we'd play Street Fighter Two together and his biggest complaint would be that I abuse jump kicks.

As kids we don't read anything into actions, we just accept it.  We didn't waste our time getting pissed about "could be"s.  If I don't reply to a text from some girl, she will get all worked up making assumptions like I'm mad at her, or ignoring her, and get all indignant.  You know what she'd do if we were kids?  Get distracted by Rug Rats and instantly forget.  It would be AWESOME if that worked on women at my age.  "Well yes I know that I forgot your birthday but hey look Rocko's Modern Life is on!"