I have low prices!

How many of you have ever worked in customer service of any kind?  Ever deal with that one dogshit customer that just ruined your day?

Cool thank you for answering.  

I'd like to talk about dick-sucking hypotheticals, now.

You know how occasionally you'll be bored when you're hanging out with friends and have the "how much would someone have to pay you" conversation?  For those of you unfamiliar with this "game:" it is where one guy comes up with something that another guy would typically not do, and then asks how much you'd need to be paid to do it.

Inevitably this will lead to one guy asking all other guys: "Ok dude, so how much would it cost for you to suck another dude's dick?"  All guys are repulsed, and always say something like: "oh bro not even if I could fuck a mountain made of bitches, afterward" or some nonsense.  Because if they say "yes," then they'll be ridiculed for being gay.  

Unless there was like a gay "sleeper agent" in the game where you say "a dick," and he asks: "well I dunno, whose dick are we sucking about, here?"

I wonder if gay guys ever sit around and have this conversation.  Not regular, reasonable gay guys, I mean like the dude-brah equivalent of gay guys.  Lets just call them turbo-gays.  All like: "Listen up bitch, how much would it cost for you to lick some vagina?"  All the gay guys are repulsed and respond with similar hypotheticals and feigned outrage: "oh my goodness that is filthy.  I would never stoop that low, even if the vagina were attached to Orlando Bloom's glittering nut-sack."

What if someone threw something into that game and said: "How much would someone have to pay you to go to an awful place where everything you do makes you miserable, all the people are terrible, and anyone else that visits is allowed to treat you like shit for no reason.  You have to act like you enjoy it.  Every. Damn. Day."  

For me, the price is about 11.50 an hour. 

Never before retail or food service has a person ever been able to be so ignorant, so belligerent, and go so unpunished for it.

That shit would not go unpunished in a group of friends.  If some dude is being a stupid dickhead in a conversation, his friends will shut him down.  If some girl is an unreasonable bitch, we are at liberty to let her know.  


In retail or food service, your sales clerks and wait-staff can't do that.

I guess what I'm saying here is that whenever you're in these situations, remember that you may be that customer who is a dick which customer service people have to reluctantly suck.  Those of us that ring up your purchases are not getting our dream homes for deep-throating your complains and taking your bullshit in the face.  


So be gentle, finish quick, and tip your waitress really well.

Thank you.

To Woman: I get it now

I was thinking maybe I could transition from being bad at relationships to this anecdote.  I really don't want my act to be a series of one liners that are loosely tied together by a theme.  I think one of my strengths is telling a good story, so I'd like to at least attempt to run with that and make one of my jokes a true story with one-liners laced in.

If it seems boring or whatever, please let me know.  I think more than anything I appreciate people telling me that something simply isn't funny.  It will save me a lot of embarrassment down the line when I have to stand on stage and do the jokes.  I'd ask that you try to word them in a comical way in your head before instantly assuming they aren't funny, though.

One of my favorite comedians, Mitch Fatel, has a hilarious bit that he does, but it doesn't work on paper very well.  The vast majority of his jokes are reliant on his "faux retarded" musing delivery.  Chances are if it doesn't sound funny it probably isn't, but still, give me the benefit of the doubt.

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[I'm going to put the story here once I get home/a chance to write it.  I have to get ready to go to work and don't have enough time to write what I wanted to.  Check back later tonight!]

Grow up...wait no don't

My last post was a verbatim copy/paste from a facebook conversation with one Joseph Kurczewski, I was not attempting to be artsy.  I feel like I need to let all two of my readers know this, just so your opinion(s) of me will not drop.

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Kids are a lot more forgiving than adults are.  The shit we used to get away with doing to our friends as kids, and still keep them as friends, would never fly as adults.  For example I punched my best friend in the dick when I was in 4th grade.  We still talk.

If I punched my friend Jessi in the dick, her and I would totally not be friends anymore.

Everything in cycles.  The means are different, but the ends are the same: babies shit their pants and then start crying.  As opposed to some sixteen year old emo kid that cries so hard he shits his own pants.   

We turn eight, and for ten blissful years until we are 18, we can basically take any amount of shit from our friends and still be friends with them.  Then, as "young adults" something happens: we start to think highly of ourselves, develop self-esteem, and that fucks everything up!

I lost a friend because people told him that I said, behind his back, that he is creepy at clubs.  If we were twelve, I could walk up to him, twist his nipples, call him a shit-faced cunt-stain to his face, then call his dead mother a whore, and the next day we'd play Street Fighter Two together and his biggest complaint would be that I abuse jump kicks.

As kids we don't read anything into actions, we just accept it.  We didn't waste our time getting pissed about "could be"s.  If I don't reply to a text from some girl, she will get all worked up making assumptions like I'm mad at her, or ignoring her, and get all indignant.  You know what she'd do if we were kids?  Get distracted by Rug Rats and instantly forget.  It would be AWESOME if that worked on women at my age.  "Well yes I know that I forgot your birthday but hey look Rocko's Modern Life is on!"