Hi it is me: Caron

The Crossfit that I did today has completely torn the skin off my palm.  I already cleaned the wounds and applied bandages.  It still stings whenever I make a fist, and I don't think that I'm going to be doing anymore pull-ups for a while.  That isn't the quagmire, however:

Now I can't jerk off!

I can't undo the bandages, because then everything I touch will hurt.  Even when air hits these blisters it hurts.  But I also can't leave them on, because then it will be like taking sand paper to my dong.

What a cruel world.  Doesn't God know that I have nothing to offer a woman and that this is my nightly refuge?  I am positive that Santa Clause knows.  Maybe him and God should ease up on ol' Matt C. or stop being voyeurs.

In lieu of doing some tearful jerking off I'm going to update this with some potential jokes, instead.  Something that I realized about the relationships bit that I did at Magoobys was that it was actually my "weak" bit.  In that it didn't get as many laughs.

Laughs aren't always indicative of enjoyment, but its the best I've got to go with now.  To me, at least, the "dreams come true" and "girlfriend had a dream about dumping me" seemed the most contrived of my bits.  Mainly because they were the least true.  Everything else I wrote about, with minor exceptions, was true.

The girlfriend part was some lies.  I was told by her that she had a dream that she cheated on me, but it was in the form of a text, and it was after I told her the same thing, first.  The "wildest dreams come true" is a bit witty, but only in conversation.  The whole "so I said this" isn't really funny to me, and I think I could do better in my bits.  So effective immediately I'm scrapping that bit, and going to come up with another one.

What Worked, What Didn't

My first open mic went really well.  I did not bomb!  Granted it was a small venue, and the people there are really nice, so I didn't have to deal with any heckling or loud assholes in general.  So this was an open mic training-wheels session. 

Pros:
-Got laughs where expected
-Managed to improv pretty seamlessly into my act
-More or less maintained eye-contact with the audience
-Found appropriate voice for skit

Cons:
-Very small venue
-Would occasionally look down
-Got laughs but never gut-busting laughter
-Need to refine voice
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What worked well:

-Everything pertaining to being dumped.
-Dirty talk jokes.
-First mom-sexy comment.
-Womp-rat bit.
-Dinner-table ex-girlfriend story.
-Facebook suggestions.
-Facebook "similar hobbies" quip.
-Facebook in the news.
-Skittle-soup
-Beginning of fat-kid sketch.

What needs to be cut:

-Facebook binge-drinking analogy.  Explanation: it had their attention, but it went on too long.  If I wind up making a joke about facebook comparing it to blacking out, do it as an introduction, and only for a one-liner.
-Second part of mom-sexy comments.  One is enough.  Or at least I need to come up with a better second example, since the first one got a lot more laughs than the second.
-As much as I want to talk about how much I hate people's updates, I need to work it into the act a different way, if at all.  It takes too long to explain in order to be funny.  And it's like I'm telling people what to think, which is an awful idea.  So I'm cutting that.

Overall:

-Work on timing.
-Work on voice.
-Work on flow.

Otherwise it went really well.  I think that I'd get to the "uproar laughter" part if I just kept the routine flowing better.  From personal experience my biggest laughs don't come from a single terrific joke, they come from having multiple jokes that just keep me laughing one after the other.  And eventually I'm just overwhelmed-by-funny if that makes any sense to people here?

Where I start laughing so hard I forget what I am laughing about, or when I think back to what got me started laughing like that, I can't figure out why it did.  At least that is how I feel. 

What do you all think about the changes?