Relationships, take two!

[Following the "I've been dumped."  Just some spit-balling.]

She softened the blow with the most comforting thing someone can tell someone else when it is over: "its not you, it's me."  You know how I knew that was a line and not the truth?  You should, you've been listening to me talk for a little over a minute, now.  (alt joke: gesture at self and say nothing)

That's only slightly more comforting than saying "no you didn't do anything wrong, I'm just not attracted to you."

I believe her.  The alternative is that I have to take some kind of responsibility for my own personal life.

It doesn't matter what the situation is, both sexes use lines.  Some girl could be dating a guy that still wears propeller hats, dropped out of middle school, drools on her during intimacy, and smells like a cat's lemony asshole, and she would still say it.  (Easily modified to be family safe)

You probably think "why would she date such a goon in the first place?"  Stay on topic.

It's not that one gender uses a certain line more, either; both genders are equally guilty.  And when I was listening to her tell me that "it's not you, it's me," I felt like it was a word scramble, and I had to use an answer-key to figure it out.

"Ok so if she says: 'I need some time to sort out my feelings.' And the decoder says that all 'e's are 'a's, verbs are nouns, and that every first consonant is two letters back in the alphabet, what she really means is 'I want to bone the trainer at the gym more than I want to bone you.'"

People don't like to deal with pretense like that!  It's like dating The Riddler from Batman!  Holy shit it must be impossible to know why he would break up with you.  By the time you figure it out he's already moved on and robbed a bank.  I couldn't think of a sexual analogy for this statement, but believe me: I tried.  

Edit: I'm still unhappy with this bit. I just don't think I'm approaching it from the right angle. Either that or I sound too bitter for it to be tongue and cheek. I can't figure which, but my plan is to just rewrite it over and over with different approaches until I figure it out.

Hi it is me: Caron

The Crossfit that I did today has completely torn the skin off my palm.  I already cleaned the wounds and applied bandages.  It still stings whenever I make a fist, and I don't think that I'm going to be doing anymore pull-ups for a while.  That isn't the quagmire, however:

Now I can't jerk off!

I can't undo the bandages, because then everything I touch will hurt.  Even when air hits these blisters it hurts.  But I also can't leave them on, because then it will be like taking sand paper to my dong.

What a cruel world.  Doesn't God know that I have nothing to offer a woman and that this is my nightly refuge?  I am positive that Santa Clause knows.  Maybe him and God should ease up on ol' Matt C. or stop being voyeurs.

In lieu of doing some tearful jerking off I'm going to update this with some potential jokes, instead.  Something that I realized about the relationships bit that I did at Magoobys was that it was actually my "weak" bit.  In that it didn't get as many laughs.

Laughs aren't always indicative of enjoyment, but its the best I've got to go with now.  To me, at least, the "dreams come true" and "girlfriend had a dream about dumping me" seemed the most contrived of my bits.  Mainly because they were the least true.  Everything else I wrote about, with minor exceptions, was true.

The girlfriend part was some lies.  I was told by her that she had a dream that she cheated on me, but it was in the form of a text, and it was after I told her the same thing, first.  The "wildest dreams come true" is a bit witty, but only in conversation.  The whole "so I said this" isn't really funny to me, and I think I could do better in my bits.  So effective immediately I'm scrapping that bit, and going to come up with another one.