Losing My Job

I spent my previous Friday getting fired.  It was on the agenda eventually.  Invariably I leave all of my jobs because I'm not happy with them, but as I grow older I find that I don't have as much time to waste, and my performance got ahead of my nature.  In truth I didn't do my job poorly, as funny as it would be to joke about it.  I became the victim of office politics and a fragile ego.  These things happen.

Friday was rough.

I spent a lot of time thinking about why I got fired, and about the firing itself.  I didn't have any trouble figuring out who I should contact as soon as I got fucked though, and that was very comforting.  My weekend-of-suck continued on by me finding out, on Sunday, that I have to pay the government 3,700 dollars in federal taxes, and 366 dollars in state taxes.  It's cool, finding out immediately after you get fired that you owe lots of money.  That is Charlie-Sheen-Drug-Money.

Sunday was worrisome.

I have my best friend Birk to thank for cheering me up on Sunday.  We ate chips and drank beer.  Played some Rock Band.  I really miss that game.  Birk had work to do but made the time, anyway.  I really appreciated that.

Yesterday, and today, I don't feel so bad about it.  It's odd, even to me, but I feel more or less fine.  I owe money, but I can pay it back over time, and I can find another position.  I'm even giving myself a week to get completely settled and make sure that this isn't just me being out of touch with reality.  I'm often out of touch with reality, and its taken 25 years but I've learned to preempt myself.

Today is aiiight.

My comedy promoter (well, lots of people's) Dave has been taking great steps to cheer me up.  All of these cheer-ups revolve around mentioning that there are loose women that I can fuck.  He also mentions "with your no doubt huge cock."  I cracked-wise that "you know me all too well; nothing brings a smile to my face like becoming the first in a long line of mistakes of a young impressionable girl."  He has helped, though.  His ill-thought-out jokes about the situation make me see that this can be something that I can joke about, and that if it were truly dire, I wouldn't be able to.

I don't want to talk about the job-loss when people try to cheer me up.  Really, at this point I don't want to be cheered up.  I've told the story to so many people, and gone over it so many times, that it is just best to not even think about it outside of jokes that I might make about it.  Its not that I can't handle talking about it, or that it makes me feel bad when I do, but I hate explaining the same thing over and over again.  It's a pet peeve, and a big reason that I wouldn't be a very good teacher.

Tomorrow will be good.

"For Women of Color"

My mom is a bit slow, that is where I get it from.

She told me recently: "I colored my hair, so I had to get some shampoo that would work for the sort of coloring I had done.  I saw this shampoo that said 'for women of color' so I assumed that it would work for me.  Turns out that is not what the bottle meant."

...

She told me it had a black lady on it, as well.

The process for discovering this wasn't the right shampoo went something like this: "Oh, for women of color.  Well, I DID color my hair, that is probably what they mean.  Oh, a black lady on a 'for women of color' bottle--I could be black, right?"  Then when she gets in the shower and begins applying the shampoo, she thinks, "w-wait a second, I suddenly feel loud and sassy..."

After the shower when the family is watching a movie during dinner, she won't shut up.

I'm always afraid of this sort of thing happening, that is why I only use shampoo labelled "for men not-of-color."  Every time I use it my ability to dance gets worse and worse, and I like Fox News more and more.

What Worked, What Didn't

My first open mic went really well.  I did not bomb!  Granted it was a small venue, and the people there are really nice, so I didn't have to deal with any heckling or loud assholes in general.  So this was an open mic training-wheels session. 

Pros:
-Got laughs where expected
-Managed to improv pretty seamlessly into my act
-More or less maintained eye-contact with the audience
-Found appropriate voice for skit

Cons:
-Very small venue
-Would occasionally look down
-Got laughs but never gut-busting laughter
-Need to refine voice
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What worked well:

-Everything pertaining to being dumped.
-Dirty talk jokes.
-First mom-sexy comment.
-Womp-rat bit.
-Dinner-table ex-girlfriend story.
-Facebook suggestions.
-Facebook "similar hobbies" quip.
-Facebook in the news.
-Skittle-soup
-Beginning of fat-kid sketch.

What needs to be cut:

-Facebook binge-drinking analogy.  Explanation: it had their attention, but it went on too long.  If I wind up making a joke about facebook comparing it to blacking out, do it as an introduction, and only for a one-liner.
-Second part of mom-sexy comments.  One is enough.  Or at least I need to come up with a better second example, since the first one got a lot more laughs than the second.
-As much as I want to talk about how much I hate people's updates, I need to work it into the act a different way, if at all.  It takes too long to explain in order to be funny.  And it's like I'm telling people what to think, which is an awful idea.  So I'm cutting that.

Overall:

-Work on timing.
-Work on voice.
-Work on flow.

Otherwise it went really well.  I think that I'd get to the "uproar laughter" part if I just kept the routine flowing better.  From personal experience my biggest laughs don't come from a single terrific joke, they come from having multiple jokes that just keep me laughing one after the other.  And eventually I'm just overwhelmed-by-funny if that makes any sense to people here?

Where I start laughing so hard I forget what I am laughing about, or when I think back to what got me started laughing like that, I can't figure out why it did.  At least that is how I feel. 

What do you all think about the changes?

Short Set for the Week, pt.2

I'm going to be using my smartphone as a means to remind myself where to pick up if I can't remember the entire skit by tonight, so I'm going to be posting the entire thing here, updated.  Just skip the parts you have already read.

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Opening - Being Dumped


Oh hi.

I have to be honest with you all, this is my first time doing stand-up and I'm really nervous. I'm even more nervous than the first time I ever made out with a girl. Mainly because, this time, all of you are expecting something from me, and this isn't imaginary.
In spite of that there are some startling similarities between the two situations. I'm sweating, I feel stupid, and someone is laughing at me!
Anyone here ever been dumped? Anyone? I have been dumped.
I could see it coming. She gave away subtle hints that it probably wasn't going to last.

My girlfriend called me and said that she had a dream that she cheated on me.
After she told me that her dream was to cheat on me, I thought: "You know what Ol' Matt Caron: you can still salvage this situation." So I said, in the sexiest voice I could muster through the tears: "Baby, I can make all of your wildest dreams come true."

I don't blame my ex for breaking up with me. I would ruin potentially sexy moments pretty habitually.
One time we were kissing, right. *point to audience member* Right, this guy knows what I'm talking about! Yeah! *hi5 audience member*
And she asked me to talk dirty to her. I've never been much for talking during hook ups. I would never know how to reply because I think me saying anything remotely sensual sounds ridiculous.

I'd be worried that I'd just outright mess it up by not really thinking my dirty-talk through correctly.  You know she'd say something like, "Hey baby, tell me something crazy you'd do with me?"  And I would just be all "oooohhh yeah: shave a goat."

I'll try anything once, though.  Dating is about compromise.

So I was doing well enough, saying filthy words in a context that my mother would most-definitely disapprove of--that is how you know you're being sexy correctly. Just think "would my mother approve of what I am about to say?" If the answer is "no," then what you are about to say is sexy.

I will give you an example, audience:

"Guess what we are doing tonight babe? Eating dessert before dinner." Take that one mom; a renegade to the end.

Another example?

"Oh so you like bad boys huh?  Well guess what I did earlier today? Mmmm: sent to the principal's office."  Keep in mind that I am 24.

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Starting Bit - Relationships

I've never been too good with relationships. I got kind of a late start.

I didn't even make out with a girl until my senior year of high school. I'm like the Luke Skywalker of making out, though. By the time I was a senior I was bulls-eyeing chicks resembling womp-rats no wider than two meters. That's a little private joke between me and every other nerd in the audience.

In one of my first relationships, I was at dinner with her family, and she misspoke. Her dad said "ha-ha, I hope you don't mind, but she is illiterate." Everyone laughed. I did a faux-chuckle and said "Hah, well, lucky for her: illiteracy is a huge turn-on of mine."

I have a difficult time talking to girls because I'm awkward, and so I have to figure out other ways to impress them.

So I do that with my degree. I take it bars with me to help my chances of romantic success. It is wrapped around a baseball bat and I show it to the ladies very fast and without warning.

I call it the "cave-man method." And anyone would say that my bar-room "game" has terrific follow-through.

Plus being used as a bludgeoning tool is basically my English degree's only practical use.

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Body - Facebook

Facebook is what I like to call a "blackout activity."  It's basically something you can work at for hours and not only accomplish absolutely nothing, but also contact all your friends without trying and then feel filthy after you stop. 

It sounds weird, comparing facebook to binge-drinking, but lets put it in perspective:

When you drink, you set aside an evening to basically put all sorts of things in your body that basically make you stupid, but at the same time, make you feel smart--like everything you say is brilliant.  When you go around reading people's observations and quoted song lyrics in their status updates on facebook, believe it or not: you are getting dumber, and you're going to click that "like" button.

You can't tell good from bad when you're drunk.  Someone will say something that is decidedly not-profound but you'll jump all over it all like "Oh man yes that is exactly what I think all the time yes you are so smart."  Especially if it is some girl that you are trying to flirt with. 

Think about facebook for a second.  You and all of your friends decide to "like" everything one another says, no matter how dumb it is, and ESPECIALLY if it is a cute girl.  Scratch that.  ESPECIALLY if it is a girl that isn't ugly. 

*adlib some nonsense a Valley Girl would say--I can do it on the fly* There is always some stooge on there liking it and complimenting her crap.

Good thing facebook doesn't have a "pee on this person's property" button, but if you spend hours on there, I'm sure you'll find some group dedicated to adding one. (In my actual skit it will probably be changed to an "impregnate" button)

Facebook is invading our lives. 

Everytime I log on I see some sort of suggestion.  "I suggest contacting such and such," "You used to know such and such, why not friend them," "Many people 'like' this, you have this hobby in common, you'll probably like this too!" 

Back off facebook; I am capable of making decisions without you!  I say outloud to myself, ignoring the fact that I'm sitting on facebook in my boxers because I can't decide whether or not I want to wear pants on my day off.

I'm terrified as to how much facebook knows about me.  Remember I was recently dumped?  I half-expect facebook to say "Feeling pretty lonely tonight?  Why not contact Ashley.  She also spends a lot of time here, so she is probably single."  "You haven't contacted Steph in a while, based on her status updates her self-esteem is down, now is the time!"  "Sarah has gained weight, she'll probably date you now."  "I suggest you stop playing Dungeons and Dragons if you ever want to kiss another woman that looks human."  Gaaaahh, facebook!

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Closing - Young Times

Facebook made the news, recently.  Some 15 year old called another 15 year old a "punk" on his facebook wall.  The guy who was called a punk reacted in the only reasonable manner one can in this sort of situation: he stabbed the guy that called him a punk.

Upon further questioning, he said that he felt "belittled, insulted, and threatened."  And what I really wonder: is what kind of life did this guy lead where he has never been insulted before?  It is impossible to go through elementary school, middle school, and high school without being made fun of!

If I stabbed every dude who called me names and made me feel like crap throughout MY life, I'd have committed genocide.  There would be a friggin' mass-grave outside of my house, and the body count would be rising to this day! 

I wouldn't have a dad anymore, I'll tell you that.

He meant well, but I used to be a fat kid, and after every swim meet he would say, "hey, great races Matt.  You'd have had much better times if you weighed 20lbs less."  Who says that to a kid?!  My dad does.

Yes, I grew up fat.  It was because I ate gross things, not because I had a slow metabolism.  Let me give you an example:  I would melt down star bursts into a bowl and then sprinkle skittles over it and make "skittle soup," and then eat it with a spoon.  I see some of you cringing.  It's ok, what I am telling you is in fact pretty gross.

I, at one point, have had the "fat kid disease."  No, not diabetes.  I had bacon lung at one point, it was awful.  It is a debilitating condition that occurs when a fat kid gets over-zealous about eating bacon, eats it too fast, and literally breathes the bacon down his wind pipe. Oh God, the price of our chubby little hubris is so high...

I never suffered from "Goose Huffs" but I've seen it.  It's difficult to describe but let me paint you a picture: you and your friends have finished playing dodgeball.  Everyone is panting from the exertion.  Except for Sammy the fat kid, he is doing this: *perform Goose Huffs.* 

And would our friends be respectful when we were fat kids?  Hell no!  Kids were ruthless and it was fine, because that is what we expected then. 

Kids are a lot more forgiving than adults are. The crap we used to get away with doing to our friends as kids, and still keep them as friends, would never fly as adults. For example I punched my best friend in the balls when I was in 4th grade. We still talk.
If I punched my friend Jessi in the balls, SHE and I would totally not be friends anymore!

We turn eight, and for ten blissful years until we are 18, we can basically take any amount of crap from our friends and still be friends with them. Then, as "young adults" something happens: we develop self-esteem, and that just screws everything up!
 
As kids we don't read anything into actions, we just accept it. We didn't waste our time getting pissed about "could be"s. If I don't reply to a text from some girl, she will get all worked up making assumptions like I'm mad at her, or ignoring her, and get all indignant. You know what she'd do if we were kids? Get distracted by Nickelodeon and instantly forget. It would be AWESOME if that worked on women at my age. "Well yes I know that I forgot your birthday but hey look Ninja Turtles is on!"
 
Alright I think you've had enough, thanks for listening folks.
 
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To Woman: I get it now

I was thinking maybe I could transition from being bad at relationships to this anecdote.  I really don't want my act to be a series of one liners that are loosely tied together by a theme.  I think one of my strengths is telling a good story, so I'd like to at least attempt to run with that and make one of my jokes a true story with one-liners laced in.

If it seems boring or whatever, please let me know.  I think more than anything I appreciate people telling me that something simply isn't funny.  It will save me a lot of embarrassment down the line when I have to stand on stage and do the jokes.  I'd ask that you try to word them in a comical way in your head before instantly assuming they aren't funny, though.

One of my favorite comedians, Mitch Fatel, has a hilarious bit that he does, but it doesn't work on paper very well.  The vast majority of his jokes are reliant on his "faux retarded" musing delivery.  Chances are if it doesn't sound funny it probably isn't, but still, give me the benefit of the doubt.

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[I'm going to put the story here once I get home/a chance to write it.  I have to get ready to go to work and don't have enough time to write what I wanted to.  Check back later tonight!]

Grow up...wait no don't

My last post was a verbatim copy/paste from a facebook conversation with one Joseph Kurczewski, I was not attempting to be artsy.  I feel like I need to let all two of my readers know this, just so your opinion(s) of me will not drop.

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Kids are a lot more forgiving than adults are.  The shit we used to get away with doing to our friends as kids, and still keep them as friends, would never fly as adults.  For example I punched my best friend in the dick when I was in 4th grade.  We still talk.

If I punched my friend Jessi in the dick, her and I would totally not be friends anymore.

Everything in cycles.  The means are different, but the ends are the same: babies shit their pants and then start crying.  As opposed to some sixteen year old emo kid that cries so hard he shits his own pants.   

We turn eight, and for ten blissful years until we are 18, we can basically take any amount of shit from our friends and still be friends with them.  Then, as "young adults" something happens: we start to think highly of ourselves, develop self-esteem, and that fucks everything up!

I lost a friend because people told him that I said, behind his back, that he is creepy at clubs.  If we were twelve, I could walk up to him, twist his nipples, call him a shit-faced cunt-stain to his face, then call his dead mother a whore, and the next day we'd play Street Fighter Two together and his biggest complaint would be that I abuse jump kicks.

As kids we don't read anything into actions, we just accept it.  We didn't waste our time getting pissed about "could be"s.  If I don't reply to a text from some girl, she will get all worked up making assumptions like I'm mad at her, or ignoring her, and get all indignant.  You know what she'd do if we were kids?  Get distracted by Rug Rats and instantly forget.  It would be AWESOME if that worked on women at my age.  "Well yes I know that I forgot your birthday but hey look Rocko's Modern Life is on!"