I have low prices!

How many of you have ever worked in customer service of any kind?  Ever deal with that one dogshit customer that just ruined your day?

Cool thank you for answering.  

I'd like to talk about dick-sucking hypotheticals, now.

You know how occasionally you'll be bored when you're hanging out with friends and have the "how much would someone have to pay you" conversation?  For those of you unfamiliar with this "game:" it is where one guy comes up with something that another guy would typically not do, and then asks how much you'd need to be paid to do it.

Inevitably this will lead to one guy asking all other guys: "Ok dude, so how much would it cost for you to suck another dude's dick?"  All guys are repulsed, and always say something like: "oh bro not even if I could fuck a mountain made of bitches, afterward" or some nonsense.  Because if they say "yes," then they'll be ridiculed for being gay.  

Unless there was like a gay "sleeper agent" in the game where you say "a dick," and he asks: "well I dunno, whose dick are we sucking about, here?"

I wonder if gay guys ever sit around and have this conversation.  Not regular, reasonable gay guys, I mean like the dude-brah equivalent of gay guys.  Lets just call them turbo-gays.  All like: "Listen up bitch, how much would it cost for you to lick some vagina?"  All the gay guys are repulsed and respond with similar hypotheticals and feigned outrage: "oh my goodness that is filthy.  I would never stoop that low, even if the vagina were attached to Orlando Bloom's glittering nut-sack."

What if someone threw something into that game and said: "How much would someone have to pay you to go to an awful place where everything you do makes you miserable, all the people are terrible, and anyone else that visits is allowed to treat you like shit for no reason.  You have to act like you enjoy it.  Every. Damn. Day."  

For me, the price is about 11.50 an hour. 

Never before retail or food service has a person ever been able to be so ignorant, so belligerent, and go so unpunished for it.

That shit would not go unpunished in a group of friends.  If some dude is being a stupid dickhead in a conversation, his friends will shut him down.  If some girl is an unreasonable bitch, we are at liberty to let her know.  


In retail or food service, your sales clerks and wait-staff can't do that.

I guess what I'm saying here is that whenever you're in these situations, remember that you may be that customer who is a dick which customer service people have to reluctantly suck.  Those of us that ring up your purchases are not getting our dream homes for deep-throating your complains and taking your bullshit in the face.  


So be gentle, finish quick, and tip your waitress really well.

Thank you.

Hi it is me: Caron

The Crossfit that I did today has completely torn the skin off my palm.  I already cleaned the wounds and applied bandages.  It still stings whenever I make a fist, and I don't think that I'm going to be doing anymore pull-ups for a while.  That isn't the quagmire, however:

Now I can't jerk off!

I can't undo the bandages, because then everything I touch will hurt.  Even when air hits these blisters it hurts.  But I also can't leave them on, because then it will be like taking sand paper to my dong.

What a cruel world.  Doesn't God know that I have nothing to offer a woman and that this is my nightly refuge?  I am positive that Santa Clause knows.  Maybe him and God should ease up on ol' Matt C. or stop being voyeurs.

In lieu of doing some tearful jerking off I'm going to update this with some potential jokes, instead.  Something that I realized about the relationships bit that I did at Magoobys was that it was actually my "weak" bit.  In that it didn't get as many laughs.

Laughs aren't always indicative of enjoyment, but its the best I've got to go with now.  To me, at least, the "dreams come true" and "girlfriend had a dream about dumping me" seemed the most contrived of my bits.  Mainly because they were the least true.  Everything else I wrote about, with minor exceptions, was true.

The girlfriend part was some lies.  I was told by her that she had a dream that she cheated on me, but it was in the form of a text, and it was after I told her the same thing, first.  The "wildest dreams come true" is a bit witty, but only in conversation.  The whole "so I said this" isn't really funny to me, and I think I could do better in my bits.  So effective immediately I'm scrapping that bit, and going to come up with another one.

Lets talk about my boners

I don't like having responsibility--bills, job, sensitivity. I really miss the days when there was so much less to worry about. Like when my biggest concern was whether or not I'd get a boner in high school math class.

I still remember the day my boner snuck up on me in Algebra 2.  We were discussing mathy-stuff that I didn't understand, the bell rang, I stood up, excited to get to lunch and: "bonk."  The desk shudders, heads turn, and a single tear rolls down my cheek.

Lets not kid ourselves, guys: that is something we have all had to deal with.  I cannot tell you the number of times I'd be sitting in class, the topic of discussion is decidedly-not-sexual, and my boner thinks: "now is the time." 

I'm sure some of you are getting boners right this instant and you're, hopefully, completely oblivious as to why.

Getting called on to solve a problem on the board is the WORST in this sort of situation, because then you have to hold your book over your groin when you walk up to the front of the room, and try to pretend that you always hold books that way.

And how do you get a boner like that down?  Usually men can think of something non-sexual and get our inconvenient hard-ons to retreat...but what the hell is less sexual than Algebra 2?  There is nothing less sexy than that!  Thinking about history is more sexy than thinking about math; at least there are people in history.  Granted Elizabeth the Great wasn't a choice peace of ass, but at least she had boobs.

I would get truly stumped.  "Maybe I could think about a less-sexy equation," I would reason, but then I'd realize, "no no no that is just validating the fact that my boner is here!"

I came up with a term for when your boner takes over and acts against all reason: "Hulking."  We've all seen The Incredible Hulk, right?  Bruce Banner would say: "you wouldn't like me when I'm angry" and then he would unintentionally turn into the Hulk and do things he was later embarrassed about and could not stop doing by thinking of other stuff that would ordinarily calm down my erections.

"Hulk" is of course a relative term.  In my case it isn't necessarily the "Incredible" Hulk so much as the "not-bad-for-a-white-guy" Hulk.

Lets have an "uncomfortable-off"

Potential bit

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Something that can completely ruin my grocery store experience is when I'm waiting in line at the pharmacy and the two people in front of me are rounding the bases with reckless abandon.

How do you react to that?!  You can't tap him on the shoulder and say "hey dry off those fingers, buddy, this is neither the time nor the place."  You can't pull her aside and say "you are a beautiful women, and you have to respect yourself...you slut."  All you can do is stand there in line, eyes clamped shut like the ark of the covanent is waiting in line next to you.

What sort of household were these people raised in where they think it's fine to dry hump each other up and down my waiting line?  Their parents couldn't have constantly done it while they were growing up.  It wouldn't get them "used" to it, it would make them afraid of it. 

If my parents constantly fondled each other infront of me in the living room for seventeen years I would never want to touch a woman again!  I'd never want to touch a man again!  I would never want, sexually, ever again!

And they're not even subtle about it.  This isn't some guy brushing against her boob when no one is looking, this dude is raw!  He is open-palm slapping her ass in the line while she giggles like a used-up whore.  "Oh my God you are...so hot."  And he smirks like an idiot all like "hu-hu, yeah baby dat ayass."  Isn't this something people can get arrested for?  You can't be drunk in public without the cops giving you a hard time, can't we bring in the long arm of the law here and tazer these motherfuckers?

Sometimes when I see this sort of crap I want to go up and do stuff to make them uncomfortable too, just to see which side gives up first:

-He kisses on her neck sensually, in public, and that makes me uncomfortable.  So I slide up next to them and start idly scratching my balls while I stare. 

-That guy starts to rub his girl's ass and comment on it, all "oh yeah girl, I love that ass."  That sort of thing is not socially acceptable.  So I start indiscriminately letting farts slip and then congratulating myself.  "Oh yeah man, that fart smells like shit!  Great job butthole."  Also not socially acceptable.

-They begin pawing at each other and putting one anothers hands in each other's pockets.  Everyone is looking at them just wishing that they'd stop, and asking themselves "do they have no shame?"  In turn, I take of my shirt, start yelling at the top of my lungs, and start doing jumping jacks.

At the point where they ask me to stop...I win.

Something I Overlooked

I like to think that anything can be turned into a joke.  I read Carlin's bit about how he could turn rape into a joke.  But I think sometimes it also requires a certain stage presence to do that, which I'm not sure that I have ready, yet.  As Derek pointed out following my traffic brainstorm: some things may be TOO universal to make jokes about.  To the point where people think about them so much while interacting with them that mentioning them on stage only really achieves redundancy.

This is a learning experience for me with every new joke I write or anecdote that I attempt, and I think I learned something valuable from failing with traffic as a topic: being able to universally relate a topic to someone is great, but if they he/she  has already exhausted the topic in his/her own life, I'm not really necessary.

In future if I think I'm touching on a subject that is overdone, then I'll probably keep it to a brief quip between skits.

Relationships pt.2

[Continued from last night]

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I don't blame my ex for breaking up with me.  I would ruin potentially hot moments habitually.

One time we were hooking up, right.  *point to audience member* Right, this guy knows what I'm talking about!  Yeah! *hi5 audience member* And she asked me to talk dirty to her.  I've never been much for talking during hook ups, but I always aim to please.  So I started to talk dirty while we were hooking up.  She was getting really into it.  I'm not going to try to disguise it, audience: when I whisper to women they tend to go wild with lust.  Maybe if a few of you laugh at me enough, I'll do it to you behind a dumpster after the show.

So I was doing things like saying filthy words in a context that my mother would most-definitely disapprove of--that is how you know you're being sexy correctly.  Just think "would my mother approve of what I am about to say?"  If the answer is "no," then what you are about to say is sexy.

Then I had a thought: now is the time to make a joke.  "This will be funny, later," I thought.  So I leaned in close to her ear, and had a really good build up.  I was using a lot of metaphors because I know how much women dig metaphors.  And then, right when she was starting to get all hot and bothered: "mmmm, and then I knock you out and steal your bike."  *I* thought it was funny.  I was wrong, you see.

Avian Flu was a big terror, and then we had swine flu, which was supposedly a tremendous epidemic that would kill us all.  I think the media is just making up diseases to scare us so they'll have something to report on at this point, but they're patterning themselves off of Mega Man villains.  Just taking some arbitrary word and adding "flu" to the end of it.

Next will be giraffe hepatitis; a crucial STD that was brought to the U.S. after a drunk sorority girl was sexually assaulted by a, you guessed it: one hell of a bro-giraffe.  What does this have to do with relationships?  Fucking nothing.

Until I got into my second year of college, I was basically invisible to women.  I mean that metaphorically, in that they could see me but they just didn't notice me since I was fat and didn't have any confidence.  Also I would hide behind bushes and wait until nightfall.

[Will continue later.]

Teen Cribs

Spit-balling.  A serious of individual jokes.  I'm going to use this bit at some point, but I plan to pick and choose these based on which I like more, and combine them better.  At the moment its just a brainstorm. 

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Anyone ever heard of MTV Cribs?  Yeah, it's the show where people spend money on things they don't need so you can watch at home and feel miserable.

One of the interesting things about the show is that the owners of the houses will justify why they have something set up the way they do, and it makes perfect sense to them.  "Yeah we had this entire wing of the house painted with Hairy-Potter themes, and it was done by a guy that works at Disney, so don't worry: he knows what he's doing."  Absolutely, and it is a good thing, too!  You don't want to have a sub-par paint job; someone might walk into the separate videogame, maze-wing of the house after navigating through the other square-mile of it and assume you are some kind of cheap-skate.

After showing off the game-wing, the kid takes you downstairs to where he has a basketball court in the basement of the house.  A full basketball court.  Also a weight-lifting room, cardio room, and rock wall.  He explains "I like to stay in shape, and this graffiti on the wall says 'go hard or go home,' I had it put there because my dad never goes hard."  My basement when I was his age had a slate floor and half a couch.  If I gave a tour of it I'd say "this graffiti on the wall says some gibberish in Spanish, it probably means something explicit.  I left it there because I can't really see it since there is no light in this basement."

The kid's room had a big metal wall behind the bed, and he said his dad had it put there so the room would look raw and unfinished.  A know a guy who is an expert at making his home look raw and unfinished.  His main artistic touch is having no walls or doors or furnishings, and leaving power-tools laying around all over the place.  I think there are also dead birds in it.   

One of the reasons the parents give for making such a ridiculous home for their kids is: "we really wanted the neighborhood kids to want to come over and play."  What a backhanded reason, right?  Too bad they couldn't buy their kids some personalities--they could take those with them, later, and use them to get friends.

A girl had a separate deluxe apartment to herself in a corner of her house.  Where she can "really go to be alone."  Understandable.  It's hard to find peace and quiet when your home is so big that you can get lost in it and rescue teams are constantly calling out your name.

She explained "this is the kitchen in my apartment.  I don't ever cook here, but there is a stove in it so that I can call it a kitchen."  I have a similar labeling dilemma in my house.  "This is the bathroom in my house.  I never shower here, but I piss impulsively and indiscriminately in it so I can call it a bathroom."

I think one of the most excessive things is the pool on this one kid's house.  It is larger then any community pool I've ever been to, and it has gas-powered torches surrounding it.  Even when they're not swimming.  This house is literally burning gas for no reason, 24 hours a day.  I couldn't come up with a bigger waste of money if I tried, and I did, because I'm a comedian.

The only thing I could think of that is more ridiculous than burning gas when it is such a crucial commodity is a house that has a giant robot, made entirely out of diamonds, whose job is to, for 24 hours a day, melt down gold so that it can be mixed with tar and cyanide and used to fill holes created by strapping bombs to endangered species and letting them run loose in a private park which has natural springs in it.

If I had the kind of money that would be required to make one of these cribs, I would build a modest sized home, and put a batcave under it.

Grow up...wait no don't

My last post was a verbatim copy/paste from a facebook conversation with one Joseph Kurczewski, I was not attempting to be artsy.  I feel like I need to let all two of my readers know this, just so your opinion(s) of me will not drop.

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Kids are a lot more forgiving than adults are.  The shit we used to get away with doing to our friends as kids, and still keep them as friends, would never fly as adults.  For example I punched my best friend in the dick when I was in 4th grade.  We still talk.

If I punched my friend Jessi in the dick, her and I would totally not be friends anymore.

Everything in cycles.  The means are different, but the ends are the same: babies shit their pants and then start crying.  As opposed to some sixteen year old emo kid that cries so hard he shits his own pants.   

We turn eight, and for ten blissful years until we are 18, we can basically take any amount of shit from our friends and still be friends with them.  Then, as "young adults" something happens: we start to think highly of ourselves, develop self-esteem, and that fucks everything up!

I lost a friend because people told him that I said, behind his back, that he is creepy at clubs.  If we were twelve, I could walk up to him, twist his nipples, call him a shit-faced cunt-stain to his face, then call his dead mother a whore, and the next day we'd play Street Fighter Two together and his biggest complaint would be that I abuse jump kicks.

As kids we don't read anything into actions, we just accept it.  We didn't waste our time getting pissed about "could be"s.  If I don't reply to a text from some girl, she will get all worked up making assumptions like I'm mad at her, or ignoring her, and get all indignant.  You know what she'd do if we were kids?  Get distracted by Rug Rats and instantly forget.  It would be AWESOME if that worked on women at my age.  "Well yes I know that I forgot your birthday but hey look Rocko's Modern Life is on!"

Fat Kid Disease

[Potential Bit]

I did not always have this svelte physique that you see towering before you, right now.

No, for the longest time I was a fat kid.  I think this is something a lot of you can identify with.  I bet, also, that you were fat for the same reason I was: your metabolism was slow, and genetics were not on your side.  So what the hell, knowing that, it is ok to eat three pounds of hot wings for dinner and wash it all down with a pizza.

It was also ok to melt down star bursts in a bowl and then sprinkle skittles in it to make what I affectionately refer to as "skittle soup."  *Wait for disgust* I know, it's completely unacceptable!  But after all that, it must have been the metabolism.

Everybody is a nutritionist.  Ever notice that about people?  How they love to give unsolicited advice on most things in spite of having no knowledge on those things?

When I went on the Atkins diet in college, I heard the same thing: "you can't get skinny on that diet."  Oh yeah, stranger?  Why is that?  "It isn't healthy!"  The validity of that diet notwithstanding, guess who would bestow this insight?  Don't actually guess, the question is a rhetorical set-up:

Some pale soggy land-beast, exactly--he would take a moment to stop eating doritos to fill me in on how unhealthy I was being.

Not that I don't appreciate free diet advice, but I'd come to that person for some pointers on how to squeeze large objects through small openings, not healthy eating.  Although I'll never have the large-in-small problem in the future (*ba-dom-chi*).  For those of you that don't get it I'm making fun of my own penis.

If someone approached me and said "hey man, I'm thinking of going out into the dating world."  Which is improbable in the first place, since when I'm not at work I can be found in my parents' basement organizing Magic the Gathering cards, I would not, unprompted after his statement, say: "cool man, but you'll never get anywhere with the opposite sex by being handsome and financially successful."

Because then he would stand there glowering at me, in his nice tailored-suit, fiddling with the car keys to his new BMW, smelling like a man who showers, the nerve, and think to himself "look at this smug bastard over here!" 

Thankfully most of my close friends have liberal arts degrees, so being financially successful is not something we will ever have to concern ourselves with.

Would Donald Trump ask a homeless guy how to invest his money?  Decidedly not!  Would a homeless guy offer Donald Trump advice?  Hell no!  Even though, in this economy, boxes are becoming much more viable options than houses.

Growing up fat has made me privy to certain "diseases" that many of you are not aware of.  Ha-ha, no; not diabetes!  There is no walk-for-awareness for these diseases.

I'd like to make you aware of them, though.  To raise awareness of what fat-kids have to suffer through in this obesity epidemic that our country is binge-eating its way through:

Bacon lung.

You heard me: bacon lung.  It is a debilitating condition that occurs when a fat kid gets over-zealous about eating bacon, eats it too fast, and literally breathes the bacon down his wind pipe.  Oh God, the price of our chubby little hubris is so high...The following several minutes are a depressing display; the fatty will hack and wheeze, shooting half-chewed bacon every direction.  His eyes a-water with a combination of sweat and tears.  The cure in the event of a baconocalypse such as this is to drown the problem in chocolate milk.

I had an awful case of the bacon lung, once.  After I finished choking my life out, I returned to the table to finish the rest of the bacon.  

Gooseitis.

The grand big-brother of asthma, the slayer of fat kids. Picture this: you're playing kick ball on the playground, you and all your friends finish your game, and everyone runs inside to get to the water fountain first.  You're all panting normally.  You know "hu hu" panting, like people pant.  Then you hear it..."HOOOOOOOOOOONK."  Everyone looks around, perplexed.  "What in the fuck is that?"  Then you hear it again: "HOOOOOOOOOOONK."  It is the way Sammy pants after exercise: "HONK HONK HONK."

I have absolutely no formal education in physiology, but I'm fairly sure that it's just a fat-person mating call. 

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Transition to another line of joke from here.  Two examples is enough.
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Ghosts!

[The following is my first potential bit I've posted, here.  I'm flushing the subject matter, not writing it as I would say it.  This is to serve as a reminder to myself of something I could use, and as practice.  Constructive criticism welcome (use your discretion), but do not tell me what you would add--it's not that I don't have faith in you, it is just that at that point it has become your joke, not mine]

Ghosts are hilarious.

There is a comedic television show that I've been peripherally aware of, but never actually sat down and watched until tonight; it is called "Ghost Adventures." It is about three fraternity guys who walk around in places at night, record random noises, video tape things with no lighting, and then extrapolate that these things are ghosts and other super natural occurrences.  Now I use "comedic" loosely, as many of my more astute readers are no doubt aware, so since there is an absence of proper alliteration in the written word I'll go right ahead and say that this show is meant to be documentary in nature, and not hilarious.    

I honestly do not know where to get started making fun of things.

The show almost makes fun of itself to the point where I think it is nothing but one big prank on society.  Like one day the cast is just going to start an episode where they stare straight at the camera and say: "A-are you kidding?!  You're still watching?  Holy..."  When I say "makes fun of itself," I do not of course mean that when they take a picture of a bicycle leaning against a wall and claim it is a hell hound, then jovially chuckle about that and say "whatta bunch of knuckleheads we are, to assume such a thing!"  I mean they position themselves as ghost experts and then say things like, and I quote:

"You have to understand, when you're dealing with ghosts, you're dealing with people who were once alive."
~Zak Bagans, ghost expert.

If this is all it takes to pass as an expert in one field or another (rephrasing what something is and then attempting to make a poignant point about it), then consider me an expert in just about every field known to man:

"You have to understand, when you're dealing with cars, you are dealing with boxes that people sit inside of to get from one place to another efficiently."
~Matt Caron, car expert.

"A vagina, after we break it down to its essence, is really nothing more than a hollow emplacement that one can put one's penis into.  Please do your best to understand this."
~Matt Caron, vagina expert.

"You have to understand, when you're dealing with me, you're dealing with a person who I am."
~Matt Caron, Matt Caron expert.

I think three examples is enough, but know that I could go on with this.  So, regarding my question of a prank on society: are the creators of the show the ridiculous ones for creating this, or are we the ridiculous ones for watching and believing it?  This question is rhetorical but I'm afraid there are some people that watch the show reading/[listening], and so: us, we are ridiculous.  We could be doing any number of things; reading books, playing video games, listening to music...fuckin', we could watch our dogs lick themselves and walk away from the experience wiser and more well-rounded than we would if we watched Ghost Adventures!

I do want put more in here, but I have other obligations tomorrow so I have to take off.  Other topics include: method of investigation, validity of claims, integrity of crew.  What I'd ask from you all, assuming I provide a good description of the show and what happens in it, what is the identifiability of the show to the average crowd?  A joke is only good if the crowd cares about the subject matter.  So perhaps I'll have to focus on something more vague and use Ghost Adventures as a means to highlight that?  Let me know.