Lets talk about my boners

I don't like having responsibility--bills, job, sensitivity. I really miss the days when there was so much less to worry about. Like when my biggest concern was whether or not I'd get a boner in high school math class.

I still remember the day my boner snuck up on me in Algebra 2.  We were discussing mathy-stuff that I didn't understand, the bell rang, I stood up, excited to get to lunch and: "bonk."  The desk shudders, heads turn, and a single tear rolls down my cheek.

Lets not kid ourselves, guys: that is something we have all had to deal with.  I cannot tell you the number of times I'd be sitting in class, the topic of discussion is decidedly-not-sexual, and my boner thinks: "now is the time." 

I'm sure some of you are getting boners right this instant and you're, hopefully, completely oblivious as to why.

Getting called on to solve a problem on the board is the WORST in this sort of situation, because then you have to hold your book over your groin when you walk up to the front of the room, and try to pretend that you always hold books that way.

And how do you get a boner like that down?  Usually men can think of something non-sexual and get our inconvenient hard-ons to retreat...but what the hell is less sexual than Algebra 2?  There is nothing less sexy than that!  Thinking about history is more sexy than thinking about math; at least there are people in history.  Granted Elizabeth the Great wasn't a choice peace of ass, but at least she had boobs.

I would get truly stumped.  "Maybe I could think about a less-sexy equation," I would reason, but then I'd realize, "no no no that is just validating the fact that my boner is here!"

I came up with a term for when your boner takes over and acts against all reason: "Hulking."  We've all seen The Incredible Hulk, right?  Bruce Banner would say: "you wouldn't like me when I'm angry" and then he would unintentionally turn into the Hulk and do things he was later embarrassed about and could not stop doing by thinking of other stuff that would ordinarily calm down my erections.

"Hulk" is of course a relative term.  In my case it isn't necessarily the "Incredible" Hulk so much as the "not-bad-for-a-white-guy" Hulk.

Relationships pt.2

[Continued from last night]

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I don't blame my ex for breaking up with me.  I would ruin potentially hot moments habitually.

One time we were hooking up, right.  *point to audience member* Right, this guy knows what I'm talking about!  Yeah! *hi5 audience member* And she asked me to talk dirty to her.  I've never been much for talking during hook ups, but I always aim to please.  So I started to talk dirty while we were hooking up.  She was getting really into it.  I'm not going to try to disguise it, audience: when I whisper to women they tend to go wild with lust.  Maybe if a few of you laugh at me enough, I'll do it to you behind a dumpster after the show.

So I was doing things like saying filthy words in a context that my mother would most-definitely disapprove of--that is how you know you're being sexy correctly.  Just think "would my mother approve of what I am about to say?"  If the answer is "no," then what you are about to say is sexy.

Then I had a thought: now is the time to make a joke.  "This will be funny, later," I thought.  So I leaned in close to her ear, and had a really good build up.  I was using a lot of metaphors because I know how much women dig metaphors.  And then, right when she was starting to get all hot and bothered: "mmmm, and then I knock you out and steal your bike."  *I* thought it was funny.  I was wrong, you see.

Avian Flu was a big terror, and then we had swine flu, which was supposedly a tremendous epidemic that would kill us all.  I think the media is just making up diseases to scare us so they'll have something to report on at this point, but they're patterning themselves off of Mega Man villains.  Just taking some arbitrary word and adding "flu" to the end of it.

Next will be giraffe hepatitis; a crucial STD that was brought to the U.S. after a drunk sorority girl was sexually assaulted by a, you guessed it: one hell of a bro-giraffe.  What does this have to do with relationships?  Fucking nothing.

Until I got into my second year of college, I was basically invisible to women.  I mean that metaphorically, in that they could see me but they just didn't notice me since I was fat and didn't have any confidence.  Also I would hide behind bushes and wait until nightfall.

[Will continue later.]

Great Innovators

[Potential Bit.  This one is more than likely going to make it into my act.  I first used it completely on the fly in an Irish Pub in Boston while my friends and I were taking a break from a video game convention.  I do not know how it came up, but the premise was so amusing to me that I just ran with it.]

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New innovations are completely befuddling.  Who would have thought, before Thomas Edison, of using light bulbs rather than candles?  The theory of relativity?  That is some out-of-the-box shit if I ever did read it.  The thing all of these past innovations have in common is that they have somehow benefited mankind, and advanced us as a species.  So I would just accept the innovation and blissfully employ it to enhance my life, never considering for a second: "what was this person thinking that led to this innovation?"  The marvel of thought behind these innovations has been beyond my grasp. 

I guess what I'm building up to is: has anyone ever motor-boated some titties?

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Curve ball!  That is what we call it, in the biz, where I completely misdirect my audience.  Other examples of misdirection are that you probably think I'm retarded right now.  Guess what?  I'm not.

I'm sure you've all heard of it, but just in case you haven't: the motor-boat is a deft sexual maneuver where, during a heated moment of passion, the guy, or guy-identified girl (lesbian) plunges head-first into those boobies and just goes like "agubububububu."  Imagine me doing my best impression of a guy motor-boating some big'ol boobs.  I assure you it is a spectacle.   

Who thought this was a good idea?  Is there some guy named Chet Snider, which by the way is the best most-stereotypical dude-brah name I could throw out there spur of the moment, anyway though: is there some guy named Chet Snider who will go down in the history books as the first innovator to think: "You know, what the hell, I'm gonna polish these tits with my face?!"  I take issue with this line of thought for several reasons:

First and foremost: what in the hell, Chet?!  Excuse me, ma'am *speak at a female audience member* assume that you find me attractive and we are in the bedroom doing what I like to call: "kissing a lot."  You're obviously into it.  Like, I'm doing the thing with the tongue where I'm like "glomp momph" and you're saying things like "oh God this is so much better than the Lifetime station," a compliment that, by the way, I never get tired of hearing when I'm kissing a girl a lot.  So say I'm thinking like Chet, and I just go for it.  I break from our kissing and I just dive right in there, all "agubububububu" on your boobs.  Would you instantly stop the fun kissing time or would you let it awkwardly drag out for a few more minutes before having a surprise-period and asking me to leave?

That is basically the worst idea since me asking my girl friend if she wants to role play as a wizard and an apprentice.  Wizard role plays are ripe with innuendo.  I digress, though.

The motor-boat is not conducive to future sexual experiences, and it is certainly nothing to brag about later.  Guys brag.  We do.  I hate to tell you women our secret, but we will often go to our friends and point out attractive women we both know and say.  "Hey man, guess what I did to her?"  It's not as lewd as you all think.  We give multiple choice options.  "Did I: a. Bone her, b. Lick her face, c. Massage her feet, or d. Shave her rampant back hair with a shard of glass?"  Ok I guess it is as lewd as you think.  

What kind of bragging rights does a guy who motor-boats have?  "Hey guys guess what I did?  I head-banged between that girl's tits and babbled nonsense while I did it!"  Even all the other guys will look at him like he is nuts.  Don't get me wrong, we will all think it is hilarious because, well, it is.  But we would all be thinking "why on earth would a person..."   

And do you know why we would think that?  Because there are so many more actually awesome things that a person is in a position to do if they have the opportunity to motor-boat!  The last thing I'd be thinking about if I see a pair of orb-like ta-tas is: "I wonder what it would feel like if I hit those things with my face."

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I really need to prune this skit a bit, and figure out which gags I want to keep and which I don't.  This is so much better when spoken aloud.  I have rehearsed it over and over, and I think that it won't really be allowed to shine until I actually interact with the audience when I do it.  

It's probably the first stand up "joke" I came up with, and its the one I'm most familiar with, but at the same time I think it will be the hardest to do correctly.  Because everything has to flow perfectly with the audience interaction, and if it doesn't, I'll have to improvise.