Fat Kid Disease

[Potential Bit]

I did not always have this svelte physique that you see towering before you, right now.

No, for the longest time I was a fat kid.  I think this is something a lot of you can identify with.  I bet, also, that you were fat for the same reason I was: your metabolism was slow, and genetics were not on your side.  So what the hell, knowing that, it is ok to eat three pounds of hot wings for dinner and wash it all down with a pizza.

It was also ok to melt down star bursts in a bowl and then sprinkle skittles in it to make what I affectionately refer to as "skittle soup."  *Wait for disgust* I know, it's completely unacceptable!  But after all that, it must have been the metabolism.

Everybody is a nutritionist.  Ever notice that about people?  How they love to give unsolicited advice on most things in spite of having no knowledge on those things?

When I went on the Atkins diet in college, I heard the same thing: "you can't get skinny on that diet."  Oh yeah, stranger?  Why is that?  "It isn't healthy!"  The validity of that diet notwithstanding, guess who would bestow this insight?  Don't actually guess, the question is a rhetorical set-up:

Some pale soggy land-beast, exactly--he would take a moment to stop eating doritos to fill me in on how unhealthy I was being.

Not that I don't appreciate free diet advice, but I'd come to that person for some pointers on how to squeeze large objects through small openings, not healthy eating.  Although I'll never have the large-in-small problem in the future (*ba-dom-chi*).  For those of you that don't get it I'm making fun of my own penis.

If someone approached me and said "hey man, I'm thinking of going out into the dating world."  Which is improbable in the first place, since when I'm not at work I can be found in my parents' basement organizing Magic the Gathering cards, I would not, unprompted after his statement, say: "cool man, but you'll never get anywhere with the opposite sex by being handsome and financially successful."

Because then he would stand there glowering at me, in his nice tailored-suit, fiddling with the car keys to his new BMW, smelling like a man who showers, the nerve, and think to himself "look at this smug bastard over here!" 

Thankfully most of my close friends have liberal arts degrees, so being financially successful is not something we will ever have to concern ourselves with.

Would Donald Trump ask a homeless guy how to invest his money?  Decidedly not!  Would a homeless guy offer Donald Trump advice?  Hell no!  Even though, in this economy, boxes are becoming much more viable options than houses.

Growing up fat has made me privy to certain "diseases" that many of you are not aware of.  Ha-ha, no; not diabetes!  There is no walk-for-awareness for these diseases.

I'd like to make you aware of them, though.  To raise awareness of what fat-kids have to suffer through in this obesity epidemic that our country is binge-eating its way through:

Bacon lung.

You heard me: bacon lung.  It is a debilitating condition that occurs when a fat kid gets over-zealous about eating bacon, eats it too fast, and literally breathes the bacon down his wind pipe.  Oh God, the price of our chubby little hubris is so high...The following several minutes are a depressing display; the fatty will hack and wheeze, shooting half-chewed bacon every direction.  His eyes a-water with a combination of sweat and tears.  The cure in the event of a baconocalypse such as this is to drown the problem in chocolate milk.

I had an awful case of the bacon lung, once.  After I finished choking my life out, I returned to the table to finish the rest of the bacon.  

Gooseitis.

The grand big-brother of asthma, the slayer of fat kids. Picture this: you're playing kick ball on the playground, you and all your friends finish your game, and everyone runs inside to get to the water fountain first.  You're all panting normally.  You know "hu hu" panting, like people pant.  Then you hear it..."HOOOOOOOOOOONK."  Everyone looks around, perplexed.  "What in the fuck is that?"  Then you hear it again: "HOOOOOOOOOOONK."  It is the way Sammy pants after exercise: "HONK HONK HONK."

I have absolutely no formal education in physiology, but I'm fairly sure that it's just a fat-person mating call. 

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Transition to another line of joke from here.  Two examples is enough.
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Great Innovators

[Potential Bit.  This one is more than likely going to make it into my act.  I first used it completely on the fly in an Irish Pub in Boston while my friends and I were taking a break from a video game convention.  I do not know how it came up, but the premise was so amusing to me that I just ran with it.]

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New innovations are completely befuddling.  Who would have thought, before Thomas Edison, of using light bulbs rather than candles?  The theory of relativity?  That is some out-of-the-box shit if I ever did read it.  The thing all of these past innovations have in common is that they have somehow benefited mankind, and advanced us as a species.  So I would just accept the innovation and blissfully employ it to enhance my life, never considering for a second: "what was this person thinking that led to this innovation?"  The marvel of thought behind these innovations has been beyond my grasp. 

I guess what I'm building up to is: has anyone ever motor-boated some titties?

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Curve ball!  That is what we call it, in the biz, where I completely misdirect my audience.  Other examples of misdirection are that you probably think I'm retarded right now.  Guess what?  I'm not.

I'm sure you've all heard of it, but just in case you haven't: the motor-boat is a deft sexual maneuver where, during a heated moment of passion, the guy, or guy-identified girl (lesbian) plunges head-first into those boobies and just goes like "agubububububu."  Imagine me doing my best impression of a guy motor-boating some big'ol boobs.  I assure you it is a spectacle.   

Who thought this was a good idea?  Is there some guy named Chet Snider, which by the way is the best most-stereotypical dude-brah name I could throw out there spur of the moment, anyway though: is there some guy named Chet Snider who will go down in the history books as the first innovator to think: "You know, what the hell, I'm gonna polish these tits with my face?!"  I take issue with this line of thought for several reasons:

First and foremost: what in the hell, Chet?!  Excuse me, ma'am *speak at a female audience member* assume that you find me attractive and we are in the bedroom doing what I like to call: "kissing a lot."  You're obviously into it.  Like, I'm doing the thing with the tongue where I'm like "glomp momph" and you're saying things like "oh God this is so much better than the Lifetime station," a compliment that, by the way, I never get tired of hearing when I'm kissing a girl a lot.  So say I'm thinking like Chet, and I just go for it.  I break from our kissing and I just dive right in there, all "agubububububu" on your boobs.  Would you instantly stop the fun kissing time or would you let it awkwardly drag out for a few more minutes before having a surprise-period and asking me to leave?

That is basically the worst idea since me asking my girl friend if she wants to role play as a wizard and an apprentice.  Wizard role plays are ripe with innuendo.  I digress, though.

The motor-boat is not conducive to future sexual experiences, and it is certainly nothing to brag about later.  Guys brag.  We do.  I hate to tell you women our secret, but we will often go to our friends and point out attractive women we both know and say.  "Hey man, guess what I did to her?"  It's not as lewd as you all think.  We give multiple choice options.  "Did I: a. Bone her, b. Lick her face, c. Massage her feet, or d. Shave her rampant back hair with a shard of glass?"  Ok I guess it is as lewd as you think.  

What kind of bragging rights does a guy who motor-boats have?  "Hey guys guess what I did?  I head-banged between that girl's tits and babbled nonsense while I did it!"  Even all the other guys will look at him like he is nuts.  Don't get me wrong, we will all think it is hilarious because, well, it is.  But we would all be thinking "why on earth would a person..."   

And do you know why we would think that?  Because there are so many more actually awesome things that a person is in a position to do if they have the opportunity to motor-boat!  The last thing I'd be thinking about if I see a pair of orb-like ta-tas is: "I wonder what it would feel like if I hit those things with my face."

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I really need to prune this skit a bit, and figure out which gags I want to keep and which I don't.  This is so much better when spoken aloud.  I have rehearsed it over and over, and I think that it won't really be allowed to shine until I actually interact with the audience when I do it.  

It's probably the first stand up "joke" I came up with, and its the one I'm most familiar with, but at the same time I think it will be the hardest to do correctly.  Because everything has to flow perfectly with the audience interaction, and if it doesn't, I'll have to improvise.