Relationships, take two!

[Following the "I've been dumped."  Just some spit-balling.]

She softened the blow with the most comforting thing someone can tell someone else when it is over: "its not you, it's me."  You know how I knew that was a line and not the truth?  You should, you've been listening to me talk for a little over a minute, now.  (alt joke: gesture at self and say nothing)

That's only slightly more comforting than saying "no you didn't do anything wrong, I'm just not attracted to you."

I believe her.  The alternative is that I have to take some kind of responsibility for my own personal life.

It doesn't matter what the situation is, both sexes use lines.  Some girl could be dating a guy that still wears propeller hats, dropped out of middle school, drools on her during intimacy, and smells like a cat's lemony asshole, and she would still say it.  (Easily modified to be family safe)

You probably think "why would she date such a goon in the first place?"  Stay on topic.

It's not that one gender uses a certain line more, either; both genders are equally guilty.  And when I was listening to her tell me that "it's not you, it's me," I felt like it was a word scramble, and I had to use an answer-key to figure it out.

"Ok so if she says: 'I need some time to sort out my feelings.' And the decoder says that all 'e's are 'a's, verbs are nouns, and that every first consonant is two letters back in the alphabet, what she really means is 'I want to bone the trainer at the gym more than I want to bone you.'"

People don't like to deal with pretense like that!  It's like dating The Riddler from Batman!  Holy shit it must be impossible to know why he would break up with you.  By the time you figure it out he's already moved on and robbed a bank.  I couldn't think of a sexual analogy for this statement, but believe me: I tried.  

Edit: I'm still unhappy with this bit. I just don't think I'm approaching it from the right angle. Either that or I sound too bitter for it to be tongue and cheek. I can't figure which, but my plan is to just rewrite it over and over with different approaches until I figure it out.

Relationships pt.2

[Continued from last night]

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I don't blame my ex for breaking up with me.  I would ruin potentially hot moments habitually.

One time we were hooking up, right.  *point to audience member* Right, this guy knows what I'm talking about!  Yeah! *hi5 audience member* And she asked me to talk dirty to her.  I've never been much for talking during hook ups, but I always aim to please.  So I started to talk dirty while we were hooking up.  She was getting really into it.  I'm not going to try to disguise it, audience: when I whisper to women they tend to go wild with lust.  Maybe if a few of you laugh at me enough, I'll do it to you behind a dumpster after the show.

So I was doing things like saying filthy words in a context that my mother would most-definitely disapprove of--that is how you know you're being sexy correctly.  Just think "would my mother approve of what I am about to say?"  If the answer is "no," then what you are about to say is sexy.

Then I had a thought: now is the time to make a joke.  "This will be funny, later," I thought.  So I leaned in close to her ear, and had a really good build up.  I was using a lot of metaphors because I know how much women dig metaphors.  And then, right when she was starting to get all hot and bothered: "mmmm, and then I knock you out and steal your bike."  *I* thought it was funny.  I was wrong, you see.

Avian Flu was a big terror, and then we had swine flu, which was supposedly a tremendous epidemic that would kill us all.  I think the media is just making up diseases to scare us so they'll have something to report on at this point, but they're patterning themselves off of Mega Man villains.  Just taking some arbitrary word and adding "flu" to the end of it.

Next will be giraffe hepatitis; a crucial STD that was brought to the U.S. after a drunk sorority girl was sexually assaulted by a, you guessed it: one hell of a bro-giraffe.  What does this have to do with relationships?  Fucking nothing.

Until I got into my second year of college, I was basically invisible to women.  I mean that metaphorically, in that they could see me but they just didn't notice me since I was fat and didn't have any confidence.  Also I would hide behind bushes and wait until nightfall.

[Will continue later.]