**EDIT**
You know the first time one of your friends shows you something online and you think to yourself: "well, now I know about it, but I can't ever see myself using one?" Like a she-male, a sybian, a pumpkin gun, or deodorant?
I saw an advertisement, recently, where I got that feeling. Let me tell you about Colgate Wisp.
Colgate Wisp is a little mini toothbrush that you can take with you, on the go, to freshen up your breath. The ad goes like this: two really attractive people are playing volleyball on the beach, and the guy thinks "aha, I need to go freshen up," so he takes a step aside and uses his Colgate Wisp in the middle of the game.
If only that guy were aware of breathe mints!
Then, afterward, he finds himself in a situation where he has to flirt, face to face, through the net with the hot girl on the other team. I can't tell you the number of times I've been in this situation.
I'd think to myself: "man, again? This always happens to me after I eat crabs and cornbread for breakfast! I wish I had something I could use on the go so I could plow this bitch after the game! Who hasn't been there?"
Listen: the guy who used that Colgate Wisp could have had breath that smelled like a cat's lemony asshole and probably still gotten laid. Attractive, successful people do not need the services that Colgate Wisp has to offer.
I propose a different sort of commercial, where they market it to someone who desperately needs some Colgate Wisp. Picture this:
There is a fat, sweaty, unwashed nerd eating pizza rolls in his mom's basement while he plays Super Nintendo emulators, posts on World of Warcraft forums, and jerks off to cartoon porn in between applying to jobs at local Gamestops.
Have a commercial where he has to swing by Taco Bell at 1am, and the girl behind the counter is pretty...with the exception of the huge mole on her lip, lopsided chin, and hook hand on her left arm.
He looks at her and nods like a playa, but then breathes on his hand to sample his breath. His head recoils, offended, as if someone hit him in the face with a phone book. The hair on his arms begins falling off, his skin changes to a yellow color as if he had jaundis, his eyes involuntarily tear up, and his nose starts to bleed.
He is understandably distressed!
He steps off to the side and opens his backpack. He gingerly reaches for his rape-hammer, but it's gone. In its place is a Colgate Wisp, with a small note attached: "Love Mom."
a) "Commercials are really trying to help out the wrong people. Let me give you an example:
ReplyDeleteI took a break from getting dumped, recently, to watch some TV, and I saw an ad for something called 'Colgate Wisp.'"
This feels awkward. Where are you planning on using it in the context of the entire act?
b) "They can't market that crap to people who don't need what Colgate has to offer, is what I am saying. "
I would really only use this line if the audience was giving you the blank stare. Otherwise, ditch it.
c) "applying to jobs at local Gamestops and Suncoasts."
Suncoast is basically out of business and unknown. I would pick a little hipper store reference. Best Buy, Wal-Mart, etc. I would also ditch the 'local.' and the plurals. It's unnecessary. "while applying to jobs at gamestop and best buy"
d) "he has to make a sheetz run at 3am to get a pretzel"
Slightly concerned this is a little too personal/local a reference. People might not associate sheetz with grossness like we do. I would use something more people despise like taco bell.
e) " and arm which is half the size of a regular arm"
Awkward, tighten this up. "and one especially malformed arm." or something along those lines.
f) "but then breathes on his hand to sample his breath and physically recoils from the fragrance. Maybe to drive the point home have him breathe on some flowers and then show them dying before his eyes."
I feel like this could be tightened up, made a bit funnier. "He nods like playa. Waiting in line he breaths on his hand, checking his breath. He recoils as his skin begins to curdle, a small trickle of blood forms from his nose." I don't know. Brainstorm it.
g) "He looks over at her, reaches for the hammer, but then smiles to himself and instead goes for the Colgate Wisp. Like "hah, I don't need those pick up tactics...not anymore!"
I think the idea is right but the order is wrong. "He looks over at her and begins to reach for the hammer. His hand pauses. "No, those days are behind me. I don't need you hammer. Not anymore..." He grabs the Colgate Wisp. etc. etc.
As an aside: I thought this commercial was hilarious. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHMsUd7cpOE
Hey black people do you hate your existing kids? Avoid pumping out more little shits with our IUD.
Yeah the tightening needs to happen. Later on I can brainstorm some more re-wording, suggestions and rewrite it.
ReplyDeletePoint A is what I'm most concerned about. The premise is that the commercials are going after the wrong demographic, but I could definitely preface it better than I did. It doesn't have to be a joke, but I just want the audience on the same page as me as I launch into it. Maybe: "Anyone here ever seen an advertisement and think 'well now I know something exists,' but I can't think of a place I'd use it?"
Most of the locations and such was drawn from personal experience, so yeah I will need to pick more common examples. As far as the job application thing goes, I think what I'll do is just keep it simple with "Gamestop" and no other stores. I forget sometimes, also, that Sheetz isn't nationally renowned as the place to go to get gross shit. Taco Bell would work a whole lot better, and I'll just have to make like he has a backpack with him that contains the Colgate Wisp and a hammer, rather than him walking down an aisel.
I only plan to use this because of people being able to identify with the "what the hell" premise of the commercial and how marketing tries to play off peoples immediate wants. One of the other comics I'll be performing alongside makes heavy use of commercials, but his jokes are more like "so hey poptarts are wacky huh? Van Halen advertises pop tarts" or "the most-interesting-man in the world ads for beer are zany and here is how they could be more zany." I don't like that, I feel like it's lazy and not really observational humor, just observational.
I mean I understand the premise I just was wondering where it was gonna fit in the overall act. Especially since you mention getting dumped, again, for the 1000th time. Is this after the whole relationship bit? I only ask because I'm becoming tired of seeing constant references to getting dumped. I don't think you can milk it this hard.
ReplyDeleteHowever: "I'll just have to make like he has a backpack with him that contains the Colgate Wisp and a hammer, rather than him walking down an aisel. "
This is pretty funny to me. "He unslings his backpack and reaches for his rape hammer. But it's gone. Instead, in its place, is a colgate wisp. A small note is attached to it. 'Love, Mom.'
The only reason I wrote about the dumping was because I was searching for a place I could wiggle this into the act. I think if I were to fit it in anywhere it would be before or after the facebook bit. I could transition along the tangent of "speaking of forming relationships, who uses facebook?" Or vice versa: "speaking of absurd social scenarios, has anyone ever seen those colgate wisp commercials."
ReplyDeleteUltimately I just want to have more options I can defer to if I ask "so who has done such and such" or "who has heard of such and such," and all I get are blank stares. I want to go into 5 minute shows with 10 minutes of material. So its not so much "where can I fit it in" so much as "what is a solid alternative to my regular bit." Or conversely "is this bit solid enough that I could work it into an entirely different set?"