I have to keep this sketch between 5-7 minutes. So what I'm going to have to do is stream-line my already trimmed-down set that I did at Magoobys. I gave a skeletal construction of what I would be going with for Sunday earlier in the week, but I need to elaborate on that.
Opening:
-"Hey everyone, how's it going? Neat. I'm feeling great, also. I practiced a lot for this, and even shaved my unibrow before I drove over, so I'm hoping that is a good omen."
-"I'm more nervous now than I was..." has to stay. It got laughs, and I think it got the audience on my side to some extent. Following it up with "similarities/someone laughed" is good. That joke wasn't a laugh-riot, but it kept the audience on track and was quick. Worst case scenario, it is easy to move on from.
Start Segment: Relationships
-"Who here has ever been dumped?" Is staying. If the audience doesn't respond as loud as they did at Magooby's then I'll need a different line than "woah, it's a room full of losers."
If I get nothing but indifference I'll probably run with: "Maybe you all misheard me; I didn't ask: 'who wants to see me naked, I asked 'who here has ever been dumped.'"
-"I was recently dumped, and you know what, I don't blame her for dumping me because I would ruin potentially sexy moments pretty much habitually. Look at me."
-One time we were making out, right, we were kissin'--this guy knows what I'm talkin' about--hi5, man. I don't know how to high five really well because I'm uncool."
-"She asked me to talk dirty to her, and that's not something I'm usually comfortable doing, because I feel like I'd really fuck it up. You know, she'd say something like 'tell me the craziest thing you'd do with me,' a-and that is my impression of her she sounded just like me it was eerie, and I would just zone out and answer honestly: I'd be like 'oh my God, baby, I would...burn down a Hollister."
-"The moral of this story is that honesty ruins relationships."
-"I'm not very good at relationships because I got kind of a late start. I didn't actually kiss a girl until my senior year of high school..." (Potential, depending on how well it is going) "and I think the only reason I actually got a kiss the first time was because she was an equestrian and mistook me for a horse. It's an easy mistake to make; I was eating hay near the fence at the bottom of my hill at my house." (/potential)
"I caught on to kissin' pretty quick though. I was the Luke Skywalker of making out. By the end of my senior year I was bullseyein' fat chicks resembling womp rats no wider than two meters. That's a little private joke between me and everyone else who isn't getting laid tonight."
End Segment: Facebook
-"Anyone here use facebook, anybody, facebook? Cool."
-"Facebook has been getting a little annoying to me lately with all of its suggestions everytime I log on. 'maybe you should friend such and such,' or 'reconnect with such and such,' or the similar-hobby suggestions, which really drive me nuts. Because it's always something embarrassing: it's like, 'people who like dungeons-and-dragons...are also big fans of angry masturbating.'"
-"Facebook must be reading my diary."
-"Facebook recently made the news and I don't know if any of you read this online, but: a 15 year old kid posted on another 15 year old kid's wall calling him a pussy. Which is a pretty harsh toke."
-"The kid that was called a pussy did the only thing a thinking, reasoning human being could do in that sort of situation...uh he stabbed him. He said the reason he stabbed him was because he felt belittled and had to protect his street cred."
-"What's ridiculous here is not that a kid stabbed another kid over a facebook comment, interestingly enough, but that this kid had apparently never been called a pussy in his life before this time?!"
-"Let me tell you all from personal experience: I have negative street cred, that is a debt I will never be able to pay off. I have been called a pussy so many times...If I stabbed a person for everytime I'd been called a pussy I wouldn't be up here being hilarious right now, they would have electrocuted my ass by now."
-"I'd be wanted in every state, have a mass grave...in front of my house...I wouldn't have a dad."
Closing: Sign off
-"Alright thanks everybody that's my time, my name is Matt Caron and I'm tremendously aroused."
Alternative Bits:
-"Growing up a fat kid."
-"Kids get away with all sorts of shit."
-"Uncomfortable-off."
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