The Crossfit that I did today has completely torn the skin off my palm. I already cleaned the wounds and applied bandages. It still stings whenever I make a fist, and I don't think that I'm going to be doing anymore pull-ups for a while. That isn't the quagmire, however:
Now I can't jerk off!
I can't undo the bandages, because then everything I touch will hurt. Even when air hits these blisters it hurts. But I also can't leave them on, because then it will be like taking sand paper to my dong.
What a cruel world. Doesn't God know that I have nothing to offer a woman and that this is my nightly refuge? I am positive that Santa Clause knows. Maybe him and God should ease up on ol' Matt C. or stop being voyeurs.
In lieu of doing some tearful jerking off I'm going to update this with some potential jokes, instead. Something that I realized about the relationships bit that I did at Magoobys was that it was actually my "weak" bit. In that it didn't get as many laughs.
Laughs aren't always indicative of enjoyment, but its the best I've got to go with now. To me, at least, the "dreams come true" and "girlfriend had a dream about dumping me" seemed the most contrived of my bits. Mainly because they were the least true. Everything else I wrote about, with minor exceptions, was true.
The girlfriend part was some lies. I was told by her that she had a dream that she cheated on me, but it was in the form of a text, and it was after I told her the same thing, first. The "wildest dreams come true" is a bit witty, but only in conversation. The whole "so I said this" isn't really funny to me, and I think I could do better in my bits. So effective immediately I'm scrapping that bit, and going to come up with another one.
Now I can't jerk off!
I can't undo the bandages, because then everything I touch will hurt. Even when air hits these blisters it hurts. But I also can't leave them on, because then it will be like taking sand paper to my dong.
What a cruel world. Doesn't God know that I have nothing to offer a woman and that this is my nightly refuge? I am positive that Santa Clause knows. Maybe him and God should ease up on ol' Matt C. or stop being voyeurs.
In lieu of doing some tearful jerking off I'm going to update this with some potential jokes, instead. Something that I realized about the relationships bit that I did at Magoobys was that it was actually my "weak" bit. In that it didn't get as many laughs.
Laughs aren't always indicative of enjoyment, but its the best I've got to go with now. To me, at least, the "dreams come true" and "girlfriend had a dream about dumping me" seemed the most contrived of my bits. Mainly because they were the least true. Everything else I wrote about, with minor exceptions, was true.
The girlfriend part was some lies. I was told by her that she had a dream that she cheated on me, but it was in the form of a text, and it was after I told her the same thing, first. The "wildest dreams come true" is a bit witty, but only in conversation. The whole "so I said this" isn't really funny to me, and I think I could do better in my bits. So effective immediately I'm scrapping that bit, and going to come up with another one.
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