I don't like having responsibility--bills, job, sensitivity. I really miss the days when there was so much less to worry about. Like when my biggest concern was whether or not I'd get a boner in high school math class.
I still remember the day my boner snuck up on me in Algebra 2. We were discussing mathy-stuff that I didn't understand, the bell rang, I stood up, excited to get to lunch and: "bonk." The desk shudders, heads turn, and a single tear rolls down my cheek.
Lets not kid ourselves, guys: that is something we have all had to deal with. I cannot tell you the number of times I'd be sitting in class, the topic of discussion is decidedly-not-sexual, and my boner thinks: "now is the time."
I'm sure some of you are getting boners right this instant and you're, hopefully, completely oblivious as to why.
Getting called on to solve a problem on the board is the WORST in this sort of situation, because then you have to hold your book over your groin when you walk up to the front of the room, and try to pretend that you always hold books that way.
And how do you get a boner like that down? Usually men can think of something non-sexual and get our inconvenient hard-ons to retreat...but what the hell is less sexual than Algebra 2? There is nothing less sexy than that! Thinking about history is more sexy than thinking about math; at least there are people in history. Granted Elizabeth the Great wasn't a choice peace of ass, but at least she had boobs.
I would get truly stumped. "Maybe I could think about a less-sexy equation," I would reason, but then I'd realize, "no no no that is just validating the fact that my boner is here!"
I came up with a term for when your boner takes over and acts against all reason: "Hulking." We've all seen The Incredible Hulk, right? Bruce Banner would say: "you wouldn't like me when I'm angry" and then he would unintentionally turn into the Hulk and do things he was later embarrassed about and could not stop doing by thinking of other stuff that would ordinarily calm down my erections.
"Hulk" is of course a relative term. In my case it isn't necessarily the "Incredible" Hulk so much as the "not-bad-for-a-white-guy" Hulk.
I'll see if I can write up some suggestions for this. Mostly just word choices and being less specific. I think it's more interesting to let the audience fill in the gaps.
ReplyDeleteSo changes like:
"high school math class" --> "class."
"Algebra 2" --> "math."
"what the hell is less sexual than Algebra 2?" --> "what the hell is less sexual than math?"
etc, etc
I feel like that let's people fill in details with their own experiences. This applies retroactively to all former bits.
Great point, I completely agree.
ReplyDeleteAddition: IMO this would function best as an opening bit, because I coin a term in it that I can reference later in my act if such a reference proves prudent. Audiences love references, I found. References to another comedian's bit, or to a joke cracked earlier in the set. I was thinking of doing that with "angry masturbating," as well.
ReplyDeleteHulk boners can be your get-er-done
ReplyDeleteMy parents attempted to veto my boners.
ReplyDeleteThis one actually made me laugh out loud a couple times (elizabeth's boobs and the last couple lines), which is unusual for your written versions - even with easy to amuse me! :)
ReplyDelete