That "this is not me being funny" was apparently kind of funny. It is too long, though. I need to trim it down, and so I'm going to try that, now. Let me know if there is anything that can be cut without detracting from the story.
The point of this post is to identify the parts of the story that actually pertain to what happened in a way that effects the story's comedic effect. For example: does it set up a joke, is it necessary explanation for a later joke, etc.
---------------
The term "open mic" implies that there is a mic which is open for those who would dare to use it, right?.
When I speak to the organizing comedian of an open mic in Arlington, he claimed "well actually this is not a place beginners can come. This is for local comics trying to work in the area. Its not so much an open mic as it is a comedy showcase." I could have said "well you see I'm an MD resident trying to work as a comic," but I didn't. Anyway, semantics aside: it is called an OPEN MIC. If it is a comedy showcase then call it "Saturday Night Comedy Showcase" not "Saturday Night Open Mic."
If I were running a confession booth, I would not call it a peep show for kicks. Because then some jackass like me would show up expecting to see some chick fuck herself in the booth next to me, and instead I'd have some priest like "yeah well it is less of a peep show and more of a place where local men can come to offload their shame."
I listened and pretended to be understanding while this frosted chode told me that I had no chance of going on stage. I asked him: "So is there like a 5% chance that I'll be able to go up on stage?" And he said: "well actually it is 0% because of time constraints and blah blah blah." So I reluctantly resign myself to not being funny that night, and just start drinking.
As I'm getting up to leave, that same head guy comes over to me and says "ok so we are going to put you on after the next two guys and we are giving you about three minutes so just do the choice parts of whatever you have prepared."
WHAT THE FUCK?!
I'd been drinking for the last hour and a half, which is something an unestablished comic should not do, but I did, because I was told there was a 0% chance that I'd go on stage. Having this dickhead tell me "ok you're going on in 10 minutes and you only have three on stage, be sure to condense it" (paraphrase) would be like me going swimming in a freezing cold lake, only to have Olivia Wilde stroll up and say, "so hey I'm waiting for my husband to finish taking a shit, can you fuck me for like three minutes? Get ready really fast and make it worth my while."
Rather than putting me on, he puts on a guy who has been there the past two weeks and did the same material he did those past weeks.
I was so pissed that I got a "hate boner." It's the most ruthless kind of boner a man can have.
Its like a regular boner, only rather than blood filling your penis, it's full of spite and it cums malice. And the only thing that you'd feel right fucking with it is someone's skull. Particularly the goddamn host that jerked me around the entire night.
One of the wonderful acts that went on was a fat chick who claimed men like to cat call her constantly. The entire routine it took every shred of willpower I had to not jump up and yell "what a goddamn liar holy shit." That would be like me claiming that when I walk through ghettos black guys ask me to freestyle rap with them before we all go shoot some hoops together. All comics have their set-ups to their routines, but its somewhat believable. The only reason that a guy would call this chick is if she were wearing a yellow shirt and he mistook her for a taxi cab.
I like it -- but I think you should change the opening paragraph. I can't remember what you told me over the phone, but whatever you said then was hilarious. It was some kind of quick sarcastic comeback.
ReplyDeleteAlso, you'll probably need to shorten the mid-section a bit:
"I listened and pretended to be understanding while this frosted chode told me that I had no chance of going on stage. So I reluctantly resign myself to not being funny that night, and just start drinking. This is not something an unestablished comic should do, by the way, but I did, because I was told there was a 0% chance that I'd go on stage. However, this dickhead grabs me an hour later and says "ok you're going on in 10 minutes and you only have three on stage, be sure to condense it" . WHAT THE FUCK?! This would be like me going swimming in a freezing cold lake, only to have Olivia Wilde stroll up and say, "so hey I'm waiting for my husband to finish taking a shit, can you fuck me for like three minutes? Get ready really fast and make it worth my while."
...something like that. Just practice the timing out loud and see if it flows.
Oh, by the way, Bill Murray did an interview with GQ, and I think you'll appreciate some of what he's said: http://www.gq.com/entertainment/celebrities/201008/bill-murray-dan-fierman-gq-interview?currentPage=1
"But you asked how you get the comic pitch. Well, obviously a lot of it is rhythm. And as often as not, it's the surprising rhythm. In life and in movies, you can usually guess what someone is going to say—you can actually hear it—before they say it. But if you undercut that just a little, it can make you fall off your chair. It's small and simple like that. You're always trying to get your distractions out of the way and be as calm as you can be [breathes in and out slowly], and emotion will just drive the machine. It will go through the machine without being interrupted, and it comes out in a rhythm that's naturally funny. And that funny rhythm is either humorous or touching. It can be either one. But it's always a surprise. I really don't know what's going to come out of my mouth."