Relationships pt.2

[Continued from last night]

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I don't blame my ex for breaking up with me.  I would ruin potentially hot moments habitually.

One time we were hooking up, right.  *point to audience member* Right, this guy knows what I'm talking about!  Yeah! *hi5 audience member* And she asked me to talk dirty to her.  I've never been much for talking during hook ups, but I always aim to please.  So I started to talk dirty while we were hooking up.  She was getting really into it.  I'm not going to try to disguise it, audience: when I whisper to women they tend to go wild with lust.  Maybe if a few of you laugh at me enough, I'll do it to you behind a dumpster after the show.

So I was doing things like saying filthy words in a context that my mother would most-definitely disapprove of--that is how you know you're being sexy correctly.  Just think "would my mother approve of what I am about to say?"  If the answer is "no," then what you are about to say is sexy.

Then I had a thought: now is the time to make a joke.  "This will be funny, later," I thought.  So I leaned in close to her ear, and had a really good build up.  I was using a lot of metaphors because I know how much women dig metaphors.  And then, right when she was starting to get all hot and bothered: "mmmm, and then I knock you out and steal your bike."  *I* thought it was funny.  I was wrong, you see.

Avian Flu was a big terror, and then we had swine flu, which was supposedly a tremendous epidemic that would kill us all.  I think the media is just making up diseases to scare us so they'll have something to report on at this point, but they're patterning themselves off of Mega Man villains.  Just taking some arbitrary word and adding "flu" to the end of it.

Next will be giraffe hepatitis; a crucial STD that was brought to the U.S. after a drunk sorority girl was sexually assaulted by a, you guessed it: one hell of a bro-giraffe.  What does this have to do with relationships?  Fucking nothing.

Until I got into my second year of college, I was basically invisible to women.  I mean that metaphorically, in that they could see me but they just didn't notice me since I was fat and didn't have any confidence.  Also I would hide behind bushes and wait until nightfall.

[Will continue later.]