Short Set for the Week, pt1

I am doing a very small open mic this week, and I have to create a family-friendly set for it.  So I'm going to use this as a means to organize that set for this week.  Since I'm scrapping certain sets and adding other ones in, this can be considered a more up-to-date potential set order.  As always, please give suggestions where you think things could be improved.  

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Opening - Being Dumped 

Oh hi.

I have to be honest with you all, this is my first time doing stand-up and I'm really nervous.  I'm even more nervous than the first time I ever got laid.  Mainly because, this time, of you are expecting something from me, and my first make-out was imaginary. (For the Coffee Co. any instances of "sex" will be replaced with "make out."  Yeah it's not quite the same, but it has the same effect, and it's family safe.)

In spite of that there are some startling similarities between the two situations.  I'm sweating, I feel stupid, and someone is laughing at me! (As per anonymous suggestion which I've found is much better)

Anyone here ever been dumped?  Anyone?  I have been dumped.  (If audience doesn't reply, playfully pick on one of them, but don't be a prick.  It's important to interact with the audience but not alienate any part of it negatively)

I could see it coming.  She gave away subtle hints that it probably wasn't going to last.  

My girlfriend sent me a text that said that she had a dream that she cheated on me.

After she told me that her dream was to cheat on me, I thought: "You know what Ol' Matt Caron: you can still salvage this situation."  So I said, in the sexiest voice I could muster through the tears: "Baby, I can make all of your wildest dreams come true."

I don't blame my ex for breaking up with me.  I would ruin potentially sexy moments pretty habitually.

One time we were kissing, right.  *point to audience member* Right, this guy knows what I'm talking about!  Yeah! *hi5 audience member* 

And she asked me to talk dirty to her.  I've never been much for talking during hook ups.  I would never know how to reply because I think me saying anything remotely sensual sounds ridiculous.

I'll try anything once, though.

So I was doing things like saying filthy words in a context that my mother would most-definitely disapprove of--that is how you know you're being sexy correctly.  Just think "would my mother approve of what I am about to say?"  If the answer is "no," then what you are about to say is sexy.

"Guess what we are doing tonight babe?  Eating dessert before dinner."  Take that one mom; a renegade to the end.

I'd constantly slip up during the dirty-talk and completely ruin the mood.  It's hard to be sexy when you are inherently not-sexy: "Tell me something crazy you'd do with me."  "Oh baby...rob a bank."

Starting Bit - Relationships

I've never been too good with relationships.  I got kind of a late start.  

I didn't even make out with a girl until my senior year of high school.  I'm like the Luke Skywalker of making out, though.  By the time I was a senior I was bulls-eyeing chicks that were no wider than two meters.  That's a little private joke between me and every other nerd in the audience.

In one of my first relationships, I was at dinner with her family, and she misspoke.  Her dad said "ha-ha, I hope you don't mind, but she is illiterate."  Everyone laughed.  I did a faux-chuckle and said "Hah, well, lucky for her: illiteracy is a huge turn-on of mine."

Until I got into my second year of college, I was basically invisible to women.  I mean that metaphorically, in that they could see me but they just didn't notice me since I was fat and didn't have any confidence.  Also I would hide behind bushes and hold my breath.

Now: I impress women with my degree.  I take it bars with me to help my chances of romantic success.  It is wrapped around a baseball bat and I show it to the ladies very fast and without warning. (This is actually on a dating profile that I have online, and it gets pretty positive reception so I'm going to try it out loud and see how it goes.  I feel like it's misleading enough to make people chuckle). 

I call it the "cave-man method."  And anyone would say that my bar-room "game" has terrific follow-through.  Plus being used as a bludgeoning tool is basically my English degree's only pragmatic use.

Total Time Spoken: 3mins24seconds.  I could speak out certain parts quicker, and I'm going to see about cutting certain parts, but that makes sense for the start of the act.