Relationships pt.1

The following is a bit that I was thinking about a while ago when I was still dating.  I would never want to actually make fun of a girlfriend in my act, but I wouldn't be above lying to effect.  In this case, I was actually dumped, so I'm no longer lying!  Which makes speaking from experience all-the-more easy!

This will be the first bit that I run, so in a way I consider it one of my best, so far.  The goal when I run a joke first is to endear myself to the audience so I actually have their attention for the rest of the show.  If anyone thinks another bit would work better to open, let me know.

As always, not all of these jokes will make it in.  I'm looking to find the best ones from it.

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Oh hi.

I have to be honest with you all, this is my first time doing stand-up and I'm really nervous.  I'm even more nervous than the first time I ever got laid.  Mainly because all of you are expecting something from me, and my first sexual experience was imaginary.

In spite of that there are some startling similarities between the two situations.  I'm sweating a lot, I feel kinda stupid, and you're all laughing; so did she!

Anyone here ever been dumped?  Anyone?  I have been dumped.  

I could see it coming.  She gave away subtle hints that it probably wasn't going to last.  My girlfriend sent me a text that said that she had a dream that she cheated on me.

After she told me that her dream was to cheat on me, I thought: "You know what Ol' Matt Caron: you can still salvage this situation."  So I said, in the sexiest voice I could muster through the tears: "Baby, I can make all of your wildest dreams come true."

I've never been too good with relationships.  I got kind of a late start.  

I didn't even make out with a girl until my senior year of high school.  I'm like the Luke Skywalker of making out, though.  By the time I was a senior I was bulls-eyeing chicks that were no wider than two meters.  That's a little private joke between me and every other nerd in the audience.

[I started writing this and then got tired.  I'll write more later.]