Short Set for the Week, pt.2

I'm going to be using my smartphone as a means to remind myself where to pick up if I can't remember the entire skit by tonight, so I'm going to be posting the entire thing here, updated.  Just skip the parts you have already read.

-------------------------------

Opening - Being Dumped


Oh hi.

I have to be honest with you all, this is my first time doing stand-up and I'm really nervous. I'm even more nervous than the first time I ever made out with a girl. Mainly because, this time, all of you are expecting something from me, and this isn't imaginary.
In spite of that there are some startling similarities between the two situations. I'm sweating, I feel stupid, and someone is laughing at me!
Anyone here ever been dumped? Anyone? I have been dumped.
I could see it coming. She gave away subtle hints that it probably wasn't going to last.

My girlfriend called me and said that she had a dream that she cheated on me.
After she told me that her dream was to cheat on me, I thought: "You know what Ol' Matt Caron: you can still salvage this situation." So I said, in the sexiest voice I could muster through the tears: "Baby, I can make all of your wildest dreams come true."

I don't blame my ex for breaking up with me. I would ruin potentially sexy moments pretty habitually.
One time we were kissing, right. *point to audience member* Right, this guy knows what I'm talking about! Yeah! *hi5 audience member*
And she asked me to talk dirty to her. I've never been much for talking during hook ups. I would never know how to reply because I think me saying anything remotely sensual sounds ridiculous.

I'd be worried that I'd just outright mess it up by not really thinking my dirty-talk through correctly.  You know she'd say something like, "Hey baby, tell me something crazy you'd do with me?"  And I would just be all "oooohhh yeah: shave a goat."

I'll try anything once, though.  Dating is about compromise.

So I was doing well enough, saying filthy words in a context that my mother would most-definitely disapprove of--that is how you know you're being sexy correctly. Just think "would my mother approve of what I am about to say?" If the answer is "no," then what you are about to say is sexy.

I will give you an example, audience:

"Guess what we are doing tonight babe? Eating dessert before dinner." Take that one mom; a renegade to the end.

Another example?

"Oh so you like bad boys huh?  Well guess what I did earlier today? Mmmm: sent to the principal's office."  Keep in mind that I am 24.

-------------------------------
Starting Bit - Relationships

I've never been too good with relationships. I got kind of a late start.

I didn't even make out with a girl until my senior year of high school. I'm like the Luke Skywalker of making out, though. By the time I was a senior I was bulls-eyeing chicks resembling womp-rats no wider than two meters. That's a little private joke between me and every other nerd in the audience.

In one of my first relationships, I was at dinner with her family, and she misspoke. Her dad said "ha-ha, I hope you don't mind, but she is illiterate." Everyone laughed. I did a faux-chuckle and said "Hah, well, lucky for her: illiteracy is a huge turn-on of mine."

I have a difficult time talking to girls because I'm awkward, and so I have to figure out other ways to impress them.

So I do that with my degree. I take it bars with me to help my chances of romantic success. It is wrapped around a baseball bat and I show it to the ladies very fast and without warning.

I call it the "cave-man method." And anyone would say that my bar-room "game" has terrific follow-through.

Plus being used as a bludgeoning tool is basically my English degree's only practical use.

-------------------------------

Body - Facebook

Facebook is what I like to call a "blackout activity."  It's basically something you can work at for hours and not only accomplish absolutely nothing, but also contact all your friends without trying and then feel filthy after you stop. 

It sounds weird, comparing facebook to binge-drinking, but lets put it in perspective:

When you drink, you set aside an evening to basically put all sorts of things in your body that basically make you stupid, but at the same time, make you feel smart--like everything you say is brilliant.  When you go around reading people's observations and quoted song lyrics in their status updates on facebook, believe it or not: you are getting dumber, and you're going to click that "like" button.

You can't tell good from bad when you're drunk.  Someone will say something that is decidedly not-profound but you'll jump all over it all like "Oh man yes that is exactly what I think all the time yes you are so smart."  Especially if it is some girl that you are trying to flirt with. 

Think about facebook for a second.  You and all of your friends decide to "like" everything one another says, no matter how dumb it is, and ESPECIALLY if it is a cute girl.  Scratch that.  ESPECIALLY if it is a girl that isn't ugly. 

*adlib some nonsense a Valley Girl would say--I can do it on the fly* There is always some stooge on there liking it and complimenting her crap.

Good thing facebook doesn't have a "pee on this person's property" button, but if you spend hours on there, I'm sure you'll find some group dedicated to adding one. (In my actual skit it will probably be changed to an "impregnate" button)

Facebook is invading our lives. 

Everytime I log on I see some sort of suggestion.  "I suggest contacting such and such," "You used to know such and such, why not friend them," "Many people 'like' this, you have this hobby in common, you'll probably like this too!" 

Back off facebook; I am capable of making decisions without you!  I say outloud to myself, ignoring the fact that I'm sitting on facebook in my boxers because I can't decide whether or not I want to wear pants on my day off.

I'm terrified as to how much facebook knows about me.  Remember I was recently dumped?  I half-expect facebook to say "Feeling pretty lonely tonight?  Why not contact Ashley.  She also spends a lot of time here, so she is probably single."  "You haven't contacted Steph in a while, based on her status updates her self-esteem is down, now is the time!"  "Sarah has gained weight, she'll probably date you now."  "I suggest you stop playing Dungeons and Dragons if you ever want to kiss another woman that looks human."  Gaaaahh, facebook!

 -------------------------------

Closing - Young Times

Facebook made the news, recently.  Some 15 year old called another 15 year old a "punk" on his facebook wall.  The guy who was called a punk reacted in the only reasonable manner one can in this sort of situation: he stabbed the guy that called him a punk.

Upon further questioning, he said that he felt "belittled, insulted, and threatened."  And what I really wonder: is what kind of life did this guy lead where he has never been insulted before?  It is impossible to go through elementary school, middle school, and high school without being made fun of!

If I stabbed every dude who called me names and made me feel like crap throughout MY life, I'd have committed genocide.  There would be a friggin' mass-grave outside of my house, and the body count would be rising to this day! 

I wouldn't have a dad anymore, I'll tell you that.

He meant well, but I used to be a fat kid, and after every swim meet he would say, "hey, great races Matt.  You'd have had much better times if you weighed 20lbs less."  Who says that to a kid?!  My dad does.

Yes, I grew up fat.  It was because I ate gross things, not because I had a slow metabolism.  Let me give you an example:  I would melt down star bursts into a bowl and then sprinkle skittles over it and make "skittle soup," and then eat it with a spoon.  I see some of you cringing.  It's ok, what I am telling you is in fact pretty gross.

I, at one point, have had the "fat kid disease."  No, not diabetes.  I had bacon lung at one point, it was awful.  It is a debilitating condition that occurs when a fat kid gets over-zealous about eating bacon, eats it too fast, and literally breathes the bacon down his wind pipe. Oh God, the price of our chubby little hubris is so high...

I never suffered from "Goose Huffs" but I've seen it.  It's difficult to describe but let me paint you a picture: you and your friends have finished playing dodgeball.  Everyone is panting from the exertion.  Except for Sammy the fat kid, he is doing this: *perform Goose Huffs.* 

And would our friends be respectful when we were fat kids?  Hell no!  Kids were ruthless and it was fine, because that is what we expected then. 

Kids are a lot more forgiving than adults are. The crap we used to get away with doing to our friends as kids, and still keep them as friends, would never fly as adults. For example I punched my best friend in the balls when I was in 4th grade. We still talk.
If I punched my friend Jessi in the balls, SHE and I would totally not be friends anymore!

We turn eight, and for ten blissful years until we are 18, we can basically take any amount of crap from our friends and still be friends with them. Then, as "young adults" something happens: we develop self-esteem, and that just screws everything up!
 
As kids we don't read anything into actions, we just accept it. We didn't waste our time getting pissed about "could be"s. If I don't reply to a text from some girl, she will get all worked up making assumptions like I'm mad at her, or ignoring her, and get all indignant. You know what she'd do if we were kids? Get distracted by Nickelodeon and instantly forget. It would be AWESOME if that worked on women at my age. "Well yes I know that I forgot your birthday but hey look Ninja Turtles is on!"
 
Alright I think you've had enough, thanks for listening folks.
 
-------------------------------