Cars
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I recently splurged and purchased my first brand new car. Oh, man, I never knew what I was missing! The ability to stop when you want and open your doors from the inside used to be a luxury to this guy, right here.
My first car was a 1992 Ford Aerostar van. It was brown and the alignment was completely off. Just picture a giant turd on wheels with no brakes and you've got it.
Let me tell you something about the ladies and the 1992 Ford Aerostar van: If there is one thing women absolutely LOVE, it is...to reject men that drive around in 1992 Ford Aerostar vans. Nevermind that even now, at 24, I look like I'm 12. Back then, if I hit on girls after I cruised up in this thing, they wouldn't know if they should reject me, offended, or ask where my parents were, confused.
One big perk to the Ford Aerostar van is that a police officer would never pull me over for speeding.
Me getting a ticket in that thing was just about as probable as Lady Gaga rappelling through your bedroom window in the middle of the night to offer you some fresh-fried chicken strips.
This thing had a difficult time getting up to 40, nevermind breaking the speed limit at 65. If the officer saw me blow by at 80 in the 1992 Ford Aerostar van, he would probably think for a second "wait...hold on...did I just see a 1992 Ford Aerostar van...moving forward?" He'd check again, to make sure that he isn't going nuts, and then just sit there, and convince himself he MUST be mistaken.
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Fat (Kind of) + Kids
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The Aerostar van made sense on some levels. I grew up a fat kid, so it was nice to have all that extra space.
I didn't grow up fat because I had a slow metabolism, which is the popular excuse, I grew up fat because I would eat gross crap. For example: [skittle soup]
Kids are a lot more forgiving than adults are. The crap we used to get away with doing to our friends as kids, and still keep them as friends, would never fly as adults. For example I punched my best friend in the balls when I was in 4th grade. We still talk.
If I punched my friend Jessi in the balls, SHE and I would totally not be friends anymore!
As kids we don't read anything into actions, we just accept it. We didn't waste our time getting pissed about "could be"s. If I don't reply to a text from some girl, she will get all worked up making assumptions like I'm mad at her, or ignoring her, and get all indignant. You know what she'd do if we were kids? Get distracted by Nickelodeon and instantly forget. It would be AWESOME if that worked on women at my age. "Well yes I know that I forgot your birthday but hey look Ninja Turtles is on!"
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Ghost Adventures (Short)
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Speaking of shows that make people dumber: I recently saw something that I just HAVE to share with you all. A show called Ghost Adventures. Now, for those of you not familiar with the show, it is a solid 30 minutes of absolutely nothing.
It follows "Ghost Expert" Zak Bagans and his two frat brothers around, as they video tape chairs in the dark, and claim that they are ghosts. That being the case, my house is full of ghosts every night.
You can tell that Zak is a true Ghost Expert. I knew after the first thing that I heard him say on the show:
"You have to understand, when you're dealing with ghosts, you're dealing with people who were once alive."
~Zak Bagans, ghost expert.
It makes sense to me. Hell I've seen the movie "Ghost" starring Patrick Swayze. The most authoritative Ghost-documentary to date. And Zak has a Bachelors degree in "Ghostology," granted the University of Michigan labeled it a "Film" degree, but don't focus on that! Just like how I have a degree in "Werewolf Hunting" but my college calls it "English."
It's cool that re-stating what something is in a different way is all it takes to be considered an expert though. Which I'm cool with, because I've always considered myself an expert in every subject matter.
"What? You don't think I'm an expert on women? Well, sir, what you have to understand, when you're dealing with women, you're dealing with creatures that never give me their phone numbers."
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