Teen Cribs

Spit-balling.  A serious of individual jokes.  I'm going to use this bit at some point, but I plan to pick and choose these based on which I like more, and combine them better.  At the moment its just a brainstorm. 

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Anyone ever heard of MTV Cribs?  Yeah, it's the show where people spend money on things they don't need so you can watch at home and feel miserable.

One of the interesting things about the show is that the owners of the houses will justify why they have something set up the way they do, and it makes perfect sense to them.  "Yeah we had this entire wing of the house painted with Hairy-Potter themes, and it was done by a guy that works at Disney, so don't worry: he knows what he's doing."  Absolutely, and it is a good thing, too!  You don't want to have a sub-par paint job; someone might walk into the separate videogame, maze-wing of the house after navigating through the other square-mile of it and assume you are some kind of cheap-skate.

After showing off the game-wing, the kid takes you downstairs to where he has a basketball court in the basement of the house.  A full basketball court.  Also a weight-lifting room, cardio room, and rock wall.  He explains "I like to stay in shape, and this graffiti on the wall says 'go hard or go home,' I had it put there because my dad never goes hard."  My basement when I was his age had a slate floor and half a couch.  If I gave a tour of it I'd say "this graffiti on the wall says some gibberish in Spanish, it probably means something explicit.  I left it there because I can't really see it since there is no light in this basement."

The kid's room had a big metal wall behind the bed, and he said his dad had it put there so the room would look raw and unfinished.  A know a guy who is an expert at making his home look raw and unfinished.  His main artistic touch is having no walls or doors or furnishings, and leaving power-tools laying around all over the place.  I think there are also dead birds in it.   

One of the reasons the parents give for making such a ridiculous home for their kids is: "we really wanted the neighborhood kids to want to come over and play."  What a backhanded reason, right?  Too bad they couldn't buy their kids some personalities--they could take those with them, later, and use them to get friends.

A girl had a separate deluxe apartment to herself in a corner of her house.  Where she can "really go to be alone."  Understandable.  It's hard to find peace and quiet when your home is so big that you can get lost in it and rescue teams are constantly calling out your name.

She explained "this is the kitchen in my apartment.  I don't ever cook here, but there is a stove in it so that I can call it a kitchen."  I have a similar labeling dilemma in my house.  "This is the bathroom in my house.  I never shower here, but I piss impulsively and indiscriminately in it so I can call it a bathroom."

I think one of the most excessive things is the pool on this one kid's house.  It is larger then any community pool I've ever been to, and it has gas-powered torches surrounding it.  Even when they're not swimming.  This house is literally burning gas for no reason, 24 hours a day.  I couldn't come up with a bigger waste of money if I tried, and I did, because I'm a comedian.

The only thing I could think of that is more ridiculous than burning gas when it is such a crucial commodity is a house that has a giant robot, made entirely out of diamonds, whose job is to, for 24 hours a day, melt down gold so that it can be mixed with tar and cyanide and used to fill holes created by strapping bombs to endangered species and letting them run loose in a private park which has natural springs in it.

If I had the kind of money that would be required to make one of these cribs, I would build a modest sized home, and put a batcave under it.