I did not always have this svelte physique that you see towering before you, right now.
No, for the longest time I was a fat kid. I think this is something a lot of you can identify with. I bet, also, that you were fat for the same reason I was: your metabolism was slow, and genetics were not on your side. So what the hell, knowing that, it is ok to eat three pounds of hot wings for dinner and wash it all down with a pizza.
It was also ok to melt down star bursts in a bowl and then sprinkle skittles in it to make what I affectionately refer to as "skittle soup." *Wait for disgust* I know, it's completely unacceptable! But after all that, it must have been the metabolism.
When I went on the Atkins diet in college, I heard the same thing: "you can't get skinny on that diet." Oh yeah, stranger? Why is that? "It isn't healthy!" The validity of that diet notwithstanding, guess who would bestow this insight? Don't actually guess, the question is a rhetorical set-up:
Some pale soggy land-beast, exactly--he would take a moment to stop eating doritos to fill me in on how unhealthy I was being.
Not that I don't appreciate free diet advice, but I'd come to that person for some pointers on how to squeeze large objects through small openings, not healthy eating. Although I'll never have the large-in-small problem in the future (*ba-dom-chi*). For those of you that don't get it I'm making fun of my own penis.
If someone approached me and said "hey man, I'm thinking of going out into the dating world." Which is improbable in the first place, since when I'm not at work I can be found in my parents' basement organizing Magic the Gathering cards, I would not, unprompted after his statement, say: "cool man, but you'll never get anywhere with the opposite sex by being handsome and financially successful."
Because then he would stand there glowering at me, in his nice tailored-suit, fiddling with the car keys to his new BMW, smelling like a man who showers, the nerve, and think to himself "look at this smug bastard over here!"
Thankfully most of my close friends have liberal arts degrees, so being financially successful is not something we will ever have to concern ourselves with.
Would Donald Trump ask a homeless guy how to invest his money? Decidedly not! Would a homeless guy offer Donald Trump advice? Hell no! Even though, in this economy, boxes are becoming much more viable options than houses.
Growing up fat has made me privy to certain "diseases" that many of you are not aware of. Ha-ha, no; not diabetes! There is no walk-for-awareness for these diseases.
I'd like to make you aware of them, though. To raise awareness of what fat-kids have to suffer through in this obesity epidemic that our country is binge-eating its way through:
Bacon lung.
You heard me: bacon lung. It is a debilitating condition that occurs when a fat kid gets over-zealous about eating bacon, eats it too fast, and literally breathes the bacon down his wind pipe. Oh God, the price of our chubby little hubris is so high...The following several minutes are a depressing display; the fatty will hack and wheeze, shooting half-chewed bacon every direction. His eyes a-water with a combination of sweat and tears. The cure in the event of a baconocalypse such as this is to drown the problem in chocolate milk.
I had an awful case of the bacon lung, once. After I finished choking my life out, I returned to the table to finish the rest of the bacon.
Gooseitis.
The grand big-brother of asthma, the slayer of fat kids. Picture this: you're playing kick ball on the playground, you and all your friends finish your game, and everyone runs inside to get to the water fountain first. You're all panting normally. You know "hu hu" panting, like people pant. Then you hear it..."HOOOOOOOOOOONK." Everyone looks around, perplexed. "What in the fuck is that?" Then you hear it again: "HOOOOOOOOOOONK." It is the way Sammy pants after exercise: "HONK HONK HONK."
I have absolutely no formal education in physiology, but I'm fairly sure that it's just a fat-person mating call.
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Transition to another line of joke from here. Two examples is enough.
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Matt, please tell me that Skittle Soup is not real.
ReplyDeleteOh but it is.
ReplyDelete