Help me trim this down.
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"Woo! It sure is cold, isn't it?"
I hear that a lot when people have nothing else to talk about, this time of year. Picture this: you're at a bus station: it's just you and an old lady who is waiting for a bus, because it is a bus stop. What else would she be doing at a bus stop? Hooking? Selling meth? Don't over-think it, you guys, I'm making all this up.
You have nothing to discuss, but it's awkward to stand next to old people and listen to nothing except for the chilling silence of them slowly dying, so you say: "whew, it's cold out here!" She agrees. BOOM: you have communicated.
Not really, though. It's like the illusion of communicating. Like telling someone he is a person and having him say: "shucks, you're right."
(Say "it sure is seated" or some crap to the audience)
If only this conversational method of identify-something-obvious-and-then-describe-the-immediate-area-with-it worked for anything. Like saying "woo, it sure is athletic out here" at your kids' boring soccer game, or "golly it is delicious in here" during an awkward date at a Chuck-e-Cheese between two 25 year olds.
Unfortunately, this method can turn on its owner faster than that horse turned on Christopher Reeves. Too soon? I'm being edgy up here, and I'm pretending "up here" is 1995. Relax, he isn't here.
Example: you're at your job at a school for mentally retarded kids, school's out, and you're waiting for one of the teachers to give me a ride home because I can't afford a decent car and my degree is useless. Anyway! You have to wait in the classroom, you're bored, so you look at the guy next to you and say "whewf! It sure is retarded in here!"
One example is never enough.
Say you're lying in bed next to some troll that you just slept with while under the influence of alcoholic b-e-v-e-r-a-g-e-s. You have very little to talk about, because she won't be interested in hearing about the mistake you made five minutes ago, and you have no interest in pie or Edward Cullen. So you stretch out and say, "wow isn't it unfortunate looking in here."
That's smart (clever, even!)
ReplyDeleteThe retard bomb in here is the core of it, the rest of the stuff was me fumbling around trying to actually turn it into a bit. I think what I'm going to do is keep it around like a "shock'em one-liner." Kind of like Stanhope's "fuck my girlfriend between the tits" joke, but more tame.