Christmas Time

So we just made it through another holiday, did everyone have a good Christmas and New Year? 

I had a great Christmas; I got everything I wanted, and I really nailed it with the Christmas gifts that I gave to people this year.  It always feels really good to know that you got someone something they'll really like even if they didn't tell you what to do.  It's like solving a puzzle, or giving a deaf girl an orgasm.

(Hopefully there are no deaf people in the audience.  Hopefully also that if there are, that they are legitimately deaf and not pretending to be deaf because they know women love that.)

Sometimes this goes over fine.  Like when someone gives me something *I* really wanted but didn't ask for, I say: "oh wow, yay, I really wanted this."  However, sometimes your relatives make you feel kind of bad for buying them the gift that you did.  We've all heard: "oh, you shouldn't have."  Usually you can brush this off and say: "oh, you're worth it," or "yeah, I know, you're a terrible family member."

My grandmother doesn't let that sort of thing go, though.  I gave her three swanky gifts this year, and she said: "you are too generous!" 

Which is true; I am very generous.  You ask me for a dollar, I give you three.  You ask me for a cigarette, I will give you a birthday cake.

I said to her: "no, you're worth it."  Right?  That should be it.  My grandmother, with the coup de grace: "Oh, Matthew, you can't spend so much on me; you're a young man just getting started, and I'm an old woman on her way out."  Let me say that again, in different words: "Matthew, don't buy me gifts; I'm going to die."  Merry Christmas, and also: headshot.

Now I see the nobility in being selfless, but to pull out a bomb like that on Christmas puts me in a really awkward position.  I just have to kind of chuckle and say "ha-ha, I hope you like them."  Because I can't say: "oh, you're right, here, let me take those back." 

What would I tell the salesperson if I brought them back?  "Hi, yeah, sorry I'm bringing these back.  My grandmother really likes them, but she'll probably be dead soon, and I can use this money on gas and cheeseburgers."