Cashing In

I was recently online reading about Justin Bieber, because I'm looking to be topical and really capture the 14 year-old-girl demographic in my audience.  And it turns out Justin Bieber and I have a lot in common!  Ha-ha, no: we don't both have vaginas!

We both always look confused regardless of what we are doing.
We both have caught every pokemon imaginable.  I'll sign autographs after the show.

And we both like making money.

Justin Bieber, and I am not making this up, is releasing his own line of nail polish.  I can think of fewer masculine actions than that, you bunch of naysayers.

He is calling his range of nail polishes: "One Less Lonely Girl."

Which is nuts, since I was in the process of marketing a collection of nooses with that exact same name. 

Now I can't release that collection, because someone stole my title!  But I'm a man who can appreciate irony, and I think it's a little funny that I'm leaving my customer's hanging, heh.

The Truth, all of it

TheTruth is an advertising campaign that makes all those informercials which go out of their way to convince people that tobacco companies are evil and making products that kill them.  You all may be most familiar with the Shards of Glass commercials.

They're pretty looney, because people know what will happen if they smoke, but they do it anyway.

If you made tons of commercials about cinnamon rolls making you fat, and there were warning labels on every box of cinnamon rolls that said: "Surgeon General's Warning: Consumption of Cinnamon Rolls may lead to crippling fatness," I would still eat a pack a day.  Consequences be damned, they're delicious.

I'd pass by all the posters and billboards that have a picture of some blimp with cinnamon buns rolling out of his hand as he wallows in a gutter.  The message: "1 out of 4 cinnamon rollers suffer from chronic unattractiveness and sugar lung."

I'd like to fill you in on some of the hard-hitting facts that theTruth uses to get people to quit:

17.5% of white U.S. high school students smoke cigarettes.

9.9% of African American high school students smoke cigarettes.
10.8% of Hispanic high school students smoke cigarettes
6% of Asian American high school students smoke cigarettes.

It looks like white people need the most help looking cool, thank you truth.com
I can make that joke, I have white friends.


Nicotine has been found in the breast milk of animals exposed to tobacco.
If I hung out with a smoker and tested my breast milk, only to find traces of nicotine in it, the nicotine would not be my chief concern.

Innuendo

I was opening a box for a customer, recently, and before I opened her merchandise for her, I said: "I'd better get a razor for this; I don't want to mangle your box."  My co-worker next to me started laughing.  He said "yeeeeah, you mangle lots of boxes because you're so rough."

Now I didn't know at this time that a "box" actually means a woman's eye-socket.  In which case yes I have turned a lot of "boxes" in my time.

Ever since then, this co-worker has been constantly taking everything I say, and turning it into some kind of innuendo:

-"You have to turn on the phone for me to transfer the contacts."  He'd say: yeeeeah, you know all about turning things on, don't you, sir?

-"I'm going to go stock the cabinet."  He would interject: you're awesome at "filling up" things right?!

-"If this phone had an asshole, I would tear it to shreds by cornholing it without lubricant."

Stuff like that I mean seriously?!  Nothing sexual at all about any of that!

Friday, October 15th

I will be doing my first show at a club that is decidedly not-comedy.  I honestly expect this to be the biggest bomb of all time.  I will have to do 15 minutes of time before a band without that big of a following goes on.  Who knows what sort of people will be there, from all different demographics?  I know what most of them will be, though: drunk as shit.

Don't get me wrong, drunk is can be a double-edged sword for a comic.  On the one hand: everything I say will be funnier than it otherwise would have been if the drunk audience is receptive to me and my jokes.  On the other: if the drunken crowd is not receptive to me and my jokes, they will be far more verbal and ruthless about it. 

Whenever I have been at a music club waiting for a band to go on, and bear in mind that I'm the least patient individual on the face of this fucking planet, I get pissed when the band is delayed, or the band could go on, but don't.  When I'm drunk, and I get pissed about something trivial, I am more of a dick about it than I otherwise would be. 

Bottom line: I doubt people will give two shits about comedy, and I will probably get my shit heckled to bits.

I think that this is a good thing, however.  Of all places to get booed off the stage, a punk/metal music club is not one that will leave a lasting blight on my stand-up career.  If the club hates me and never wants to see me again then that is completely fine; it's a music club that probably has never had stand-up there before.  The showing will be tiny, I'd suspect, so only a few people will think to themselves: "what a waste of my 15 minutes, I could have been dropping a deuce or trying to fuck some bald chick."

I don't want to bomb, I've made that abundantly clear.  I will do all that I can to make this a successful show.  I plan to attempt to work the crowd in this room, because otherwise I'm dead in the water.  A crowd like this, at the time I will be going, needs to have you remind them that you exist like every 20 seconds.  I know, because I've drank with this sort of crowd after this band's shows, and they pride themselves on how "raw" they can be at all times.  Good for them, I don't.