Illusions Setlist

Opening:


-"So I know people usually do magic, here, so I'd like to stick with the theme, and for my next joke, I am going to make my sex appeal DISAPPEAR."
-"Hey everyone, how's it going? Neat. I am Matt Caron and I am new to stand up.

-"I'm more nervous now than I was..." has to stay. It got laughs.

-"Similarities/someone laughed" is good.  I'm expanding it, however: "thank you for laughing at that joke, by the way; it went over really well with my test group...which was my grandma.  She said 'oh Matthew that is funny because it is true!'  And I said, 'you're an asshole, grandma.'"

-"She was correct, though; she was there when it happened.  And just so you all are aware, there is nothing that downright slays a boner quite as much as your grandmother walking in on you as you make out with an invisible person."

Start Segment: Relationships

-"Who here has ever been dumped?" Is staying. If the audience doesn't respond as loud as they did at Magooby's then I'll need a different line than "woah, it's a room full of losers."

If I get nothing but indifference I'll probably run with: "Maybe you all misheard me; I didn't ask: 'who wants to see me naked, I asked 'who here has ever been dumped.'"

-"I was recently dumped, and I could see it coming, because she was sending me those subtle signs that you women send.  Signs like starting every conversation with 'I dreamt that I cheated on you.'"

-"I don't blame her for dumping me because I would ruin potentially sexy moments pretty much habitually, as you all are no doubt aware, by now."

-One time we were making out, right, we were kissin'--this guy knows what I'm talkin' about--hi5, man. I don't know how to high five really well because I'm uncool."

-"She asked me to talk dirty to her, and that's not something I'm usually comfortable doing, because I feel like I'd really fuck it up. You know, she'd say something like 'tell me the craziest thing you'd do with me,' a-and that is my impression of her she sounded just like me it was eerie, and I would just zone out and answer honestly: I'd be like 'oh my God, baby, I would...burn down a Hollister."

-"The moral of this story is that honesty ruins relationships."

-"I'm not very good at relationships because I got kind of a late start. I didn't actually kiss a girl until my senior year of high school..."

"I caught on to kissin' pretty quick though. I was the Luke Skywalker of making out. By the end of my senior year I was bullseyein' fat chicks resembling womp rats no wider than two meters. That's a little private joke between me and everyone else who isn't getting laid tonight."

End Segment: Facebook

-"Anyone here use facebook, anybody, facebook? Cool."

-"Facebook has been getting a little annoying to me lately with all of its suggestions everytime I log on. 'maybe you should friend such and such,' or 'reconnect with such and such,' or the similar-hobby suggestions, which really drive me nuts. Because it's always something embarrassing: it's like, 'people who like dungeons-and-dragons...are also big fans of angry masturbating.'"

-"Facebook recently made the news and I don't know if any of you read this online, but: a 15 year old kid posted on another 15 year old kid's wall calling him a pussy. Which is a pretty harsh toke."

-"The kid that was called a pussy did the only thing a thinking, reasoning human being could do in that sort of situation...uh he stabbed him. He said the reason he stabbed him was because he felt belittled and had to protect his street cred."

-"What's ridiculous here is not that a kid stabbed another kid over a facebook comment, interestingly enough, but that this kid had apparently never been called a pussy in his life before this time?!"

-"Let me tell you all from personal experience: I have negative street cred, that is a debt I will never be able to pay off. I have been called a pussy so many times...If I stabbed a person for everytime I'd been called a pussy I wouldn't be up here being hilarious right now, they would have electrocuted my ass by now."

-"I'd be wanted in every state, have a mass grave...in front of my house...I wouldn't have a dad."

-"I couldn't hate him for it, because if I watched my 9-year old fat son pretend to be a power ranger in the back yard and then, I can't stress this enough: accidentally lose a fight to the swing set, I'd be hardpressed to not call him a pussy, too."

-"It would be an involuntarily reflex action, like jerking your leg if your knee if tapped, flinching when someone fake-punches you, or projectile vomitting when you walk in on your parents doing it."

Final Bit:

-"I grew up a fat kid."

-"Skittle Soup."

-"Kids get away with things."
Closing: Sign off

-"Alright thanks everybody!  I'd love to stay stay on longer but I have a long night of angry masturbating ahead of me."

Alternative Bits:

-"Uncomfortable-off."