The point of doing all of this, besides just having new jokes I can turn to if my others are failing, is that I want to be able to build a completely alternate routine that I can practice, so that if I want to, I can find a way to seamlessly integrate the two.
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You do Stand-up?
Most of my close friends are pretty cool about me doing stand up. All one of him.
Occasionally, however, I'll let one of the sorta-friends know, and I'll get this: "Oh yeah, you're doing stand-up? Well make me laugh."
And like, I don't think that is really a fair demand.
You know? If one of my friends said: "I'm getting into the adult film industry," my first reaction would not be to say: "Oh yeah? Well be my only comfort eight times a day." - edit
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Mistargetted Advertising
You know the first time one of your friends shows you something online and you think to yourself: "well, now I know about it, but I can't ever see myself using one?" Like a she-male or deodorant?
Well, Colgate Wisp is a little mini toothbrush that you can take with you, on the go, to freshen up your breath. The ad goes like this: two really attractive people are playing volleyball on the beach, and the guy thinks "aha, I need to go freshen up," so he takes a step aside and uses his Colgate Wisp in the middle of the game.
Then, afterward, he finds himself in a situation where he has to flirt, face to face, through the net with the hot girl on the other team. We've all been there.
Listen: the attractive, successful guy who used that Colgate Wisp could have had breath that smelled like a cat's lemony asshole and probably still gotten laid.
I propose a different sort of commercial, where they market it to someone who desperately needs some Colgate Wisp. Picture this:
There is a fat, sweaty, unwashed nerd eating pizza rolls in his mom's basement while he plays WOW, and jerks off to cartoon porn in between applying to jobs at local Gamestops.
Have a commercial where he has to swing by Taco Bell at 1am, and the girl behind the counter is pretty...if you ignore the huge mole on her eye-lid, trucker-mustache, and hook hand on her left arm. -edit
He looks at her and nods like a playa, but then breathes on his hand to sample his breath. His head recoils, offended, as if someone hit him in the face with a phone book. The hair on his arms begins falling off, his skin changes to a yellow color as if he had jaundis, his eyes involuntarily tear up, and his nose starts to bleed.
He steps off to the side and opens his backpack. He brushes his Magic the Gathering cards out of the way and gingerly reaches for his rape-hammer, but it's gone. In its place is a Colgate Wisp, with a small note attached: "Love Mom." - edit
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Dick-sucking Customers
I'd like to talk about dick-sucking hypotheticals.
You know how occasionally you'll be bored when you're hanging out with friends and have the "how much would someone have to pay you" conversation? For those of you unfamiliar with this "game:" it is where one guy comes up with something that another guy would typically not do, and then asks how much you'd need to be paid to do it.
Inevitably this will lead to one guy asking all other guys: "Ok dude, so how much would it cost for you to suck another dude's dick?" All guys are repulsed, and always say something like: "oh bro not even if I could fuck a mountain made of bitches, afterward" or some nonsense.
Because if they say "yes," then they'll be ridiculed for being gay.
I wonder if gay guys ever sit around and have this conversation. Not regular, reasonable gay guys, I mean like the dude-brah equivalent of gay guys. Lets just call them turbo-gays. All like: "Listen up bitch, how much would it cost for you to lick some vagina?"
All the gay guys are repulsed and respond with similar hypotheticals and feigned outrage: "oh my goodness that is filthy. I would never stoop that low, even if the vagina were attached to Adam Lambert's glittering nut-sack."
What if someone threw something into that game and said: "How much would someone have to pay you to go to an awful place where everything you do makes you miserable, all the people are terrible, and anyone else that visits is allowed to treat you like shit for no reason. You have to act like you enjoy it. Every. Damn. Day."
For me, the price is about 11.50 an hour.
Never before retail or food service has a person ever been able to be so ignorant, so belligerent, and go so unpunished for it. The employees can't do a thing about it!
You may be that customer who is a dick which customer service people have to reluctantly suck. Those of us that ring up your purchases are not getting our dream homes for deep-throating your complaints and then taking your bullshit in the face.
So be gentle, finish quick, and tip your waitress really well.
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Lets Talk About My Boners
I miss the days when my biggest concern was whether or not I'd get a boner in high school math class.
I still remember the day my boner snuck up on me in Algebra 2. We were discussing mathy-stuff that I didn't understand, the bell rang, I stood up, excited to get to lunch and: "bonk." The desk shudders, heads turn, and a single tear rolls down my cheek.
Lets not kid ourselves, guys: that is something we have all had to deal with. I cannot tell you the number of times I'd be sitting in class, the topic of discussion is decidedly-not-sexual, and my boner thinks: "now is the time."
I'm sure some of you are getting boners right this instant and you're, hopefully, completely oblivious as to why.
Getting called on to solve a problem on the board is the WORST in this sort of situation, because then you have to hold your book over your groin when you walk up to the front of the room, and try to pretend that you always hold books that way.
And how do you get a boner like that down? Usually men can think of something non-sexual and get our inconvenient hard-ons to retreat...but what the hell is less sexual than Algebra 2? There is nothing less sexy than that! Thinking about history is more sexy than thinking about math; at least there are people in history. Granted Elizabeth the Great wasn't a choice peace of ass, but at least she had boobs.
I would get truly stumped. "Maybe I could think about a less-sexy equation," I would reason, but then I'd realize, "no no no that is just validating the fact that my boner is here!"
I came up with a term for when your boner takes over and acts against all reason: "Hulking." We've all seen The Incredible Hulk, right? Bruce Banner would say: "you wouldn't like me when I'm angry" and then he would unintentionally turn into the Hulk and do things he was later embarrassed about and could not stop doing by thinking of other stuff that would ordinarily calm down my erections.
"Hulk" is of course a relative term. In my case it isn't necessarily the "Incredible" Hulk so much as the "not-bad-for-a-white-guy" Hulk.
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The LOL IRL
I think I could do something with how people say "lol" in phone conversations when they don't know what else to say to a person's last text, and how awkward that would be if it were used to carry on an otherwise boring or dead conversation.
Like someone tells you "my mother just died in a tragic garbage truck accident." You wouldn't know what to say to that. You'd say, "I'm sorry," by default, but you wouldn't really know what else to get across. So they'd respond, "she lived a full life." Rather than silence, you could start busting out laughing.
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"For Women of Color"
I don't think things through very often. That is a quality that I get from my mom.
My mom recently colored her hair. This hair-coloring coincided with her need for some new shampoo. So while she was perusing the shampoo store for some shampoo, she came across a bottle that said "for women of color."
My mom thinks to herself: "well, I just colored my hair! I'm a woman of color," and picks up the bottle.
She saw that there was a black lady on the bottle.
Then when she gets in the shower and begins applying the shampoo, she thinks, "w-wait a second, I suddenly feel louder and sassyer..."
After the shower when the family is watching a movie during dinner, she won't shut up.
I'm always afraid of this sort of thing happening, that is why I only use shampoo labelled "for men-decidedly-not-of-color." Every time I use it my ability to both dance and jump get worst.
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That is enough to edit for now. There are others that I'm more familiar with that I can put on the backburner (cars, uncomfortable off, ghost adventures, etc.) at the moment.
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