Hello I want to talk about customer service. I want to talk about customer service, because there are few instances in my life I can remember where I can walk into a room, be instantly uncomfortable, but not be able to pinpoint the source of it. When I walk into a retail store, it is a race between what is going to ruin my day first: the customers I have to talk to, the coworkers that I hate, the management team I can't stand dealing with, or new company policy that was seemingly generated by a retarded kid after he was spun in circles on a playground for six hours.
I can't talk about this for stand-up comedy, though. You know why? Because I would have a really difficult time making people relate to how much we all suck. I would in essence have to stand on stage and say: "hey fuck-ups, did you ever have a time where you were a huge fuck-up and ruined some innocent person's day because you felt entitled?" Then the whole audience would be lost while I hurf durfed my way through some angry diatribe about retail. Here is that diatribe:
Screwed if you do, screwed if you don't.
I had developed this awesome coping mechanism of "not giving a shit" when I sold things. The whole, like, "I'll give it my all, but if my all doesn't work, I'll relax and let it be." But when I do that, the management calls me into the office and says "hm, well you know we have noticed that you're not Mr. Happy-go-lucky anymore, can you tell us why that is?" I don't know, it could be because I'm in a professional environment, being identified by management as "Mr. Happy-go-lucky?" And it was announced like they had uncovered some grand espionage by me. I would walk into work everyday looking like the most depressed guy on earth for six months straight, and they finally decide "hey folks, maybe something is up here?"
They are keen, so very keen. I can't slip anything past these people. I tried really hard to conceal the rain-cloud that was following me around by wearing one of those fuckin' bearskin grenadier hats that a british royal guard wears, and I only polished my suicide-revolver during my break, but somehow they were still able to figure it out that I wasn't too happy. Even my more subtle indicators like attempting to relocate to another store for five months while simultaneously requesting certain shifts on certain days that would make my life a hell of a lot easier.
I can't imagine a person choosing this life, which is probably why they look miserable most of the time, as well. It could be that, or maybe it is the constant stream of shit-kickers that walk through the doors high on the idea that if they have a bad experience, they are allowed to treat other people like dirt. "My [whatever dumb shit I bought] doesn't do [whatever dumb shit I expected it to do] and because of that, I am entitled to take my anger out on you."
I get tired just ranting about it, I can't imagine someone enjoying jokes about it.
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Illusions Setlist
Opening:
-"So I know people usually do magic, here, so I'd like to stick with the theme, and for my next joke, I am going to make my sex appeal DISAPPEAR."
-"Hey everyone, how's it going? Neat. I am Matt Caron and I am new to stand up.
-"I'm more nervous now than I was..." has to stay. It got laughs.
-"Similarities/someone laughed" is good. I'm expanding it, however: "thank you for laughing at that joke, by the way; it went over really well with my test group...which was my grandma. She said 'oh Matthew that is funny because it is true!' And I said, 'you're an asshole, grandma.'"
-"She was correct, though; she was there when it happened. And just so you all are aware, there is nothing that downright slays a boner quite as much as your grandmother walking in on you as you make out with an invisible person."
Start Segment: Relationships
-"Who here has ever been dumped?" Is staying. If the audience doesn't respond as loud as they did at Magooby's then I'll need a different line than "woah, it's a room full of losers."
If I get nothing but indifference I'll probably run with: "Maybe you all misheard me; I didn't ask: 'who wants to see me naked, I asked 'who here has ever been dumped.'"
-"I was recently dumped, and I could see it coming, because she was sending me those subtle signs that you women send. Signs like starting every conversation with 'I dreamt that I cheated on you.'"
-"I don't blame her for dumping me because I would ruin potentially sexy moments pretty much habitually, as you all are no doubt aware, by now."
-One time we were making out, right, we were kissin'--this guy knows what I'm talkin' about--hi5, man. I don't know how to high five really well because I'm uncool."
-"She asked me to talk dirty to her, and that's not something I'm usually comfortable doing, because I feel like I'd really fuck it up. You know, she'd say something like 'tell me the craziest thing you'd do with me,' a-and that is my impression of her she sounded just like me it was eerie, and I would just zone out and answer honestly: I'd be like 'oh my God, baby, I would...burn down a Hollister."
-"The moral of this story is that honesty ruins relationships."
-"I'm not very good at relationships because I got kind of a late start. I didn't actually kiss a girl until my senior year of high school..."
"I caught on to kissin' pretty quick though. I was the Luke Skywalker of making out. By the end of my senior year I was bullseyein' fat chicks resembling womp rats no wider than two meters. That's a little private joke between me and everyone else who isn't getting laid tonight."
End Segment: Facebook
-"Anyone here use facebook, anybody, facebook? Cool."
-"Facebook has been getting a little annoying to me lately with all of its suggestions everytime I log on. 'maybe you should friend such and such,' or 'reconnect with such and such,' or the similar-hobby suggestions, which really drive me nuts. Because it's always something embarrassing: it's like, 'people who like dungeons-and-dragons...are also big fans of angry masturbating.'"
-"Facebook recently made the news and I don't know if any of you read this online, but: a 15 year old kid posted on another 15 year old kid's wall calling him a pussy. Which is a pretty harsh toke."
-"The kid that was called a pussy did the only thing a thinking, reasoning human being could do in that sort of situation...uh he stabbed him. He said the reason he stabbed him was because he felt belittled and had to protect his street cred."
-"What's ridiculous here is not that a kid stabbed another kid over a facebook comment, interestingly enough, but that this kid had apparently never been called a pussy in his life before this time?!"
-"Let me tell you all from personal experience: I have negative street cred, that is a debt I will never be able to pay off. I have been called a pussy so many times...If I stabbed a person for everytime I'd been called a pussy I wouldn't be up here being hilarious right now, they would have electrocuted my ass by now."
-"I'd be wanted in every state, have a mass grave...in front of my house...I wouldn't have a dad."
-"I couldn't hate him for it, because if I watched my 9-year old fat son pretend to be a power ranger in the back yard and then, I can't stress this enough: accidentally lose a fight to the swing set, I'd be hardpressed to not call him a pussy, too."
-"It would be an involuntarily reflex action, like jerking your leg if your knee if tapped, flinching when someone fake-punches you, or projectile vomitting when you walk in on your parents doing it."
Final Bit:
-"I grew up a fat kid."
-"Skittle Soup."
-"Kids get away with things."
Closing: Sign off
-"Alright thanks everybody! I'd love to stay stay on longer but I have a long night of angry masturbating ahead of me."
Alternative Bits:
-"Uncomfortable-off."
-"So I know people usually do magic, here, so I'd like to stick with the theme, and for my next joke, I am going to make my sex appeal DISAPPEAR."
-"Hey everyone, how's it going? Neat. I am Matt Caron and I am new to stand up.
-"I'm more nervous now than I was..." has to stay. It got laughs.
-"Similarities/someone laughed" is good. I'm expanding it, however: "thank you for laughing at that joke, by the way; it went over really well with my test group...which was my grandma. She said 'oh Matthew that is funny because it is true!' And I said, 'you're an asshole, grandma.'"
-"She was correct, though; she was there when it happened. And just so you all are aware, there is nothing that downright slays a boner quite as much as your grandmother walking in on you as you make out with an invisible person."
Start Segment: Relationships
-"Who here has ever been dumped?" Is staying. If the audience doesn't respond as loud as they did at Magooby's then I'll need a different line than "woah, it's a room full of losers."
If I get nothing but indifference I'll probably run with: "Maybe you all misheard me; I didn't ask: 'who wants to see me naked, I asked 'who here has ever been dumped.'"
-"I was recently dumped, and I could see it coming, because she was sending me those subtle signs that you women send. Signs like starting every conversation with 'I dreamt that I cheated on you.'"
-"I don't blame her for dumping me because I would ruin potentially sexy moments pretty much habitually, as you all are no doubt aware, by now."
-One time we were making out, right, we were kissin'--this guy knows what I'm talkin' about--hi5, man. I don't know how to high five really well because I'm uncool."
-"She asked me to talk dirty to her, and that's not something I'm usually comfortable doing, because I feel like I'd really fuck it up. You know, she'd say something like 'tell me the craziest thing you'd do with me,' a-and that is my impression of her she sounded just like me it was eerie, and I would just zone out and answer honestly: I'd be like 'oh my God, baby, I would...burn down a Hollister."
-"The moral of this story is that honesty ruins relationships."
-"I'm not very good at relationships because I got kind of a late start. I didn't actually kiss a girl until my senior year of high school..."
"I caught on to kissin' pretty quick though. I was the Luke Skywalker of making out. By the end of my senior year I was bullseyein' fat chicks resembling womp rats no wider than two meters. That's a little private joke between me and everyone else who isn't getting laid tonight."
End Segment: Facebook
-"Anyone here use facebook, anybody, facebook? Cool."
-"Facebook has been getting a little annoying to me lately with all of its suggestions everytime I log on. 'maybe you should friend such and such,' or 'reconnect with such and such,' or the similar-hobby suggestions, which really drive me nuts. Because it's always something embarrassing: it's like, 'people who like dungeons-and-dragons...are also big fans of angry masturbating.'"
-"Facebook recently made the news and I don't know if any of you read this online, but: a 15 year old kid posted on another 15 year old kid's wall calling him a pussy. Which is a pretty harsh toke."
-"The kid that was called a pussy did the only thing a thinking, reasoning human being could do in that sort of situation...uh he stabbed him. He said the reason he stabbed him was because he felt belittled and had to protect his street cred."
-"What's ridiculous here is not that a kid stabbed another kid over a facebook comment, interestingly enough, but that this kid had apparently never been called a pussy in his life before this time?!"
-"Let me tell you all from personal experience: I have negative street cred, that is a debt I will never be able to pay off. I have been called a pussy so many times...If I stabbed a person for everytime I'd been called a pussy I wouldn't be up here being hilarious right now, they would have electrocuted my ass by now."
-"I'd be wanted in every state, have a mass grave...in front of my house...I wouldn't have a dad."
-"I couldn't hate him for it, because if I watched my 9-year old fat son pretend to be a power ranger in the back yard and then, I can't stress this enough: accidentally lose a fight to the swing set, I'd be hardpressed to not call him a pussy, too."
-"It would be an involuntarily reflex action, like jerking your leg if your knee if tapped, flinching when someone fake-punches you, or projectile vomitting when you walk in on your parents doing it."
Final Bit:
-"I grew up a fat kid."
-"Skittle Soup."
-"Kids get away with things."
Closing: Sign off
-"Alright thanks everybody! I'd love to stay stay on longer but I have a long night of angry masturbating ahead of me."
Alternative Bits:
-"Uncomfortable-off."
Monday, September 6, 2010
Consolidation and editin' post
I've come up with a good amount of feasible material since the Magooby's show, and this post's purpose is to lay them out, pick and choose between potential bits, and then trim/edit the wording on them. Any input on your favorites, the ones you feel have more potential than others, or the wording of them: please let me know. In addition: if you think I'm approaching the joke from the wrong angle, that is the sort of input I need.
The point of doing all of this, besides just having new jokes I can turn to if my others are failing, is that I want to be able to build a completely alternate routine that I can practice, so that if I want to, I can find a way to seamlessly integrate the two.
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You do Stand-up?
Most of my close friends are pretty cool about me doing stand up. All one of him.
Occasionally, however, I'll let one of the sorta-friends know, and I'll get this: "Oh yeah, you're doing stand-up? Well make me laugh."
And like, I don't think that is really a fair demand.
You know? If one of my friends said: "I'm getting into the adult film industry," my first reaction would not be to say: "Oh yeah? Well be my only comfort eight times a day." - edit
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Mistargetted Advertising
You know the first time one of your friends shows you something online and you think to yourself: "well, now I know about it, but I can't ever see myself using one?" Like a she-male or deodorant?
Well, Colgate Wisp is a little mini toothbrush that you can take with you, on the go, to freshen up your breath. The ad goes like this: two really attractive people are playing volleyball on the beach, and the guy thinks "aha, I need to go freshen up," so he takes a step aside and uses his Colgate Wisp in the middle of the game.
Then, afterward, he finds himself in a situation where he has to flirt, face to face, through the net with the hot girl on the other team. We've all been there.
Listen: the attractive, successful guy who used that Colgate Wisp could have had breath that smelled like a cat's lemony asshole and probably still gotten laid.
I propose a different sort of commercial, where they market it to someone who desperately needs some Colgate Wisp. Picture this:
There is a fat, sweaty, unwashed nerd eating pizza rolls in his mom's basement while he plays WOW, and jerks off to cartoon porn in between applying to jobs at local Gamestops.
Have a commercial where he has to swing by Taco Bell at 1am, and the girl behind the counter is pretty...if you ignore the huge mole on her eye-lid, trucker-mustache, and hook hand on her left arm. -edit
He looks at her and nods like a playa, but then breathes on his hand to sample his breath. His head recoils, offended, as if someone hit him in the face with a phone book. The hair on his arms begins falling off, his skin changes to a yellow color as if he had jaundis, his eyes involuntarily tear up, and his nose starts to bleed.
He steps off to the side and opens his backpack. He brushes his Magic the Gathering cards out of the way and gingerly reaches for his rape-hammer, but it's gone. In its place is a Colgate Wisp, with a small note attached: "Love Mom." - edit
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Dick-sucking Customers
I'd like to talk about dick-sucking hypotheticals.
You know how occasionally you'll be bored when you're hanging out with friends and have the "how much would someone have to pay you" conversation? For those of you unfamiliar with this "game:" it is where one guy comes up with something that another guy would typically not do, and then asks how much you'd need to be paid to do it.
Inevitably this will lead to one guy asking all other guys: "Ok dude, so how much would it cost for you to suck another dude's dick?" All guys are repulsed, and always say something like: "oh bro not even if I could fuck a mountain made of bitches, afterward" or some nonsense.
Because if they say "yes," then they'll be ridiculed for being gay.
Unless there was like a gay "sleeper agent" in the game where you say "a dick," and he asks: "well I dunno, whose dick are we sucking about, here?"
I wonder if gay guys ever sit around and have this conversation. Not regular, reasonable gay guys, I mean like the dude-brah equivalent of gay guys. Lets just call them turbo-gays. All like: "Listen up bitch, how much would it cost for you to lick some vagina?"
All the gay guys are repulsed and respond with similar hypotheticals and feigned outrage: "oh my goodness that is filthy. I would never stoop that low, even if the vagina were attached to Adam Lambert's glittering nut-sack."
What if someone threw something into that game and said: "How much would someone have to pay you to go to an awful place where everything you do makes you miserable, all the people are terrible, and anyone else that visits is allowed to treat you like shit for no reason. You have to act like you enjoy it. Every. Damn. Day."
For me, the price is about 11.50 an hour.
Never before retail or food service has a person ever been able to be so ignorant, so belligerent, and go so unpunished for it. The employees can't do a thing about it!
That shit would not go unpunished in a group of friends. If some dude is being a stupid dickhead in a conversation, his friends will shut him down. If some girl is an unreasonable bitch, we are at liberty to let her know.
In retail or food service, your sales clerks and wait-staff can't do that.
You may be that customer who is a dick which customer service people have to reluctantly suck. Those of us that ring up your purchases are not getting our dream homes for deep-throating your complaints and then taking your bullshit in the face.
So be gentle, finish quick, and tip your waitress really well.
--------------
Lets Talk About My Boners
I miss the days when my biggest concern was whether or not I'd get a boner in high school math class.
I still remember the day my boner snuck up on me in Algebra 2. We were discussing mathy-stuff that I didn't understand, the bell rang, I stood up, excited to get to lunch and: "bonk." The desk shudders, heads turn, and a single tear rolls down my cheek.
Lets not kid ourselves, guys: that is something we have all had to deal with. I cannot tell you the number of times I'd be sitting in class, the topic of discussion is decidedly-not-sexual, and my boner thinks: "now is the time."
I'm sure some of you are getting boners right this instant and you're, hopefully, completely oblivious as to why.
Getting called on to solve a problem on the board is the WORST in this sort of situation, because then you have to hold your book over your groin when you walk up to the front of the room, and try to pretend that you always hold books that way.
And how do you get a boner like that down? Usually men can think of something non-sexual and get our inconvenient hard-ons to retreat...but what the hell is less sexual than Algebra 2? There is nothing less sexy than that! Thinking about history is more sexy than thinking about math; at least there are people in history. Granted Elizabeth the Great wasn't a choice peace of ass, but at least she had boobs.
I would get truly stumped. "Maybe I could think about a less-sexy equation," I would reason, but then I'd realize, "no no no that is just validating the fact that my boner is here!"
I came up with a term for when your boner takes over and acts against all reason: "Hulking." We've all seen The Incredible Hulk, right? Bruce Banner would say: "you wouldn't like me when I'm angry" and then he would unintentionally turn into the Hulk and do things he was later embarrassed about and could not stop doing by thinking of other stuff that would ordinarily calm down my erections.
"Hulk" is of course a relative term. In my case it isn't necessarily the "Incredible" Hulk so much as the "not-bad-for-a-white-guy" Hulk.
--------------
The LOL IRL
I think I could do something with how people say "lol" in phone conversations when they don't know what else to say to a person's last text, and how awkward that would be if it were used to carry on an otherwise boring or dead conversation.
Like someone tells you "my mother just died in a tragic garbage truck accident." You wouldn't know what to say to that. You'd say, "I'm sorry," by default, but you wouldn't really know what else to get across. So they'd respond, "she lived a full life." Rather than silence, you could start busting out laughing.
--------------
"For Women of Color"
I don't think things through very often. That is a quality that I get from my mom.
My mom recently colored her hair. This hair-coloring coincided with her need for some new shampoo. So while she was perusing the shampoo store for some shampoo, she came across a bottle that said "for women of color."
My mom thinks to herself: "well, I just colored my hair! I'm a woman of color," and picks up the bottle.
She saw that there was a black lady on the bottle.
Then when she gets in the shower and begins applying the shampoo, she thinks, "w-wait a second, I suddenly feel louder and sassyer..."
After the shower when the family is watching a movie during dinner, she won't shut up.
I'm always afraid of this sort of thing happening, that is why I only use shampoo labelled "for men-decidedly-not-of-color." Every time I use it my ability to both dance and jump get worst.
--------------
That is enough to edit for now. There are others that I'm more familiar with that I can put on the backburner (cars, uncomfortable off, ghost adventures, etc.) at the moment.
The point of doing all of this, besides just having new jokes I can turn to if my others are failing, is that I want to be able to build a completely alternate routine that I can practice, so that if I want to, I can find a way to seamlessly integrate the two.
--------------
You do Stand-up?
Most of my close friends are pretty cool about me doing stand up. All one of him.
Occasionally, however, I'll let one of the sorta-friends know, and I'll get this: "Oh yeah, you're doing stand-up? Well make me laugh."
And like, I don't think that is really a fair demand.
You know? If one of my friends said: "I'm getting into the adult film industry," my first reaction would not be to say: "Oh yeah? Well be my only comfort eight times a day." - edit
--------------
Mistargetted Advertising
You know the first time one of your friends shows you something online and you think to yourself: "well, now I know about it, but I can't ever see myself using one?" Like a she-male or deodorant?
Well, Colgate Wisp is a little mini toothbrush that you can take with you, on the go, to freshen up your breath. The ad goes like this: two really attractive people are playing volleyball on the beach, and the guy thinks "aha, I need to go freshen up," so he takes a step aside and uses his Colgate Wisp in the middle of the game.
Then, afterward, he finds himself in a situation where he has to flirt, face to face, through the net with the hot girl on the other team. We've all been there.
Listen: the attractive, successful guy who used that Colgate Wisp could have had breath that smelled like a cat's lemony asshole and probably still gotten laid.
I propose a different sort of commercial, where they market it to someone who desperately needs some Colgate Wisp. Picture this:
There is a fat, sweaty, unwashed nerd eating pizza rolls in his mom's basement while he plays WOW, and jerks off to cartoon porn in between applying to jobs at local Gamestops.
Have a commercial where he has to swing by Taco Bell at 1am, and the girl behind the counter is pretty...if you ignore the huge mole on her eye-lid, trucker-mustache, and hook hand on her left arm. -edit
He looks at her and nods like a playa, but then breathes on his hand to sample his breath. His head recoils, offended, as if someone hit him in the face with a phone book. The hair on his arms begins falling off, his skin changes to a yellow color as if he had jaundis, his eyes involuntarily tear up, and his nose starts to bleed.
He steps off to the side and opens his backpack. He brushes his Magic the Gathering cards out of the way and gingerly reaches for his rape-hammer, but it's gone. In its place is a Colgate Wisp, with a small note attached: "Love Mom." - edit
--------------
Dick-sucking Customers
I'd like to talk about dick-sucking hypotheticals.
You know how occasionally you'll be bored when you're hanging out with friends and have the "how much would someone have to pay you" conversation? For those of you unfamiliar with this "game:" it is where one guy comes up with something that another guy would typically not do, and then asks how much you'd need to be paid to do it.
Inevitably this will lead to one guy asking all other guys: "Ok dude, so how much would it cost for you to suck another dude's dick?" All guys are repulsed, and always say something like: "oh bro not even if I could fuck a mountain made of bitches, afterward" or some nonsense.
Because if they say "yes," then they'll be ridiculed for being gay.
I wonder if gay guys ever sit around and have this conversation. Not regular, reasonable gay guys, I mean like the dude-brah equivalent of gay guys. Lets just call them turbo-gays. All like: "Listen up bitch, how much would it cost for you to lick some vagina?"
All the gay guys are repulsed and respond with similar hypotheticals and feigned outrage: "oh my goodness that is filthy. I would never stoop that low, even if the vagina were attached to Adam Lambert's glittering nut-sack."
What if someone threw something into that game and said: "How much would someone have to pay you to go to an awful place where everything you do makes you miserable, all the people are terrible, and anyone else that visits is allowed to treat you like shit for no reason. You have to act like you enjoy it. Every. Damn. Day."
For me, the price is about 11.50 an hour.
Never before retail or food service has a person ever been able to be so ignorant, so belligerent, and go so unpunished for it. The employees can't do a thing about it!
You may be that customer who is a dick which customer service people have to reluctantly suck. Those of us that ring up your purchases are not getting our dream homes for deep-throating your complaints and then taking your bullshit in the face.
So be gentle, finish quick, and tip your waitress really well.
--------------
Lets Talk About My Boners
I miss the days when my biggest concern was whether or not I'd get a boner in high school math class.
I still remember the day my boner snuck up on me in Algebra 2. We were discussing mathy-stuff that I didn't understand, the bell rang, I stood up, excited to get to lunch and: "bonk." The desk shudders, heads turn, and a single tear rolls down my cheek.
Lets not kid ourselves, guys: that is something we have all had to deal with. I cannot tell you the number of times I'd be sitting in class, the topic of discussion is decidedly-not-sexual, and my boner thinks: "now is the time."
I'm sure some of you are getting boners right this instant and you're, hopefully, completely oblivious as to why.
Getting called on to solve a problem on the board is the WORST in this sort of situation, because then you have to hold your book over your groin when you walk up to the front of the room, and try to pretend that you always hold books that way.
And how do you get a boner like that down? Usually men can think of something non-sexual and get our inconvenient hard-ons to retreat...but what the hell is less sexual than Algebra 2? There is nothing less sexy than that! Thinking about history is more sexy than thinking about math; at least there are people in history. Granted Elizabeth the Great wasn't a choice peace of ass, but at least she had boobs.
I would get truly stumped. "Maybe I could think about a less-sexy equation," I would reason, but then I'd realize, "no no no that is just validating the fact that my boner is here!"
I came up with a term for when your boner takes over and acts against all reason: "Hulking." We've all seen The Incredible Hulk, right? Bruce Banner would say: "you wouldn't like me when I'm angry" and then he would unintentionally turn into the Hulk and do things he was later embarrassed about and could not stop doing by thinking of other stuff that would ordinarily calm down my erections.
"Hulk" is of course a relative term. In my case it isn't necessarily the "Incredible" Hulk so much as the "not-bad-for-a-white-guy" Hulk.
--------------
The LOL IRL
I think I could do something with how people say "lol" in phone conversations when they don't know what else to say to a person's last text, and how awkward that would be if it were used to carry on an otherwise boring or dead conversation.
Like someone tells you "my mother just died in a tragic garbage truck accident." You wouldn't know what to say to that. You'd say, "I'm sorry," by default, but you wouldn't really know what else to get across. So they'd respond, "she lived a full life." Rather than silence, you could start busting out laughing.
--------------
"For Women of Color"
I don't think things through very often. That is a quality that I get from my mom.
My mom recently colored her hair. This hair-coloring coincided with her need for some new shampoo. So while she was perusing the shampoo store for some shampoo, she came across a bottle that said "for women of color."
My mom thinks to herself: "well, I just colored my hair! I'm a woman of color," and picks up the bottle.
She saw that there was a black lady on the bottle.
Then when she gets in the shower and begins applying the shampoo, she thinks, "w-wait a second, I suddenly feel louder and sassyer..."
After the shower when the family is watching a movie during dinner, she won't shut up.
I'm always afraid of this sort of thing happening, that is why I only use shampoo labelled "for men-decidedly-not-of-color." Every time I use it my ability to both dance and jump get worst.
--------------
That is enough to edit for now. There are others that I'm more familiar with that I can put on the backburner (cars, uncomfortable off, ghost adventures, etc.) at the moment.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Fate
Whenever I feel like something is not going so great in my life, my mom tries to console me by saying "things aren't that great now, but it's all part of God's plan."
I mean you could justify that for something like not getting a job in a certain area, but what about the time at my 10-year old birthday party that my dad broke a stinkbomb in my bedroom and locked me and all my friends in? Jeremiah puked all over my Batman trashcan! It was ruined! How could having that trashcan intact affect my life adversely?!
What about the time I was going number 1 in the urinal at my college's dining hall and then number 2 was like "SURPRISE!?" How does having to throw away my christmas-fun boxer shorts in my school's cafeteria fit into your plan, God?
God must just get kind of bored and think to himself: "ha-ha, they totally buy this whole 'plan' thing." I think God is that bully that would give you a wedgie and then stuff you in a locker when you were a kid.
Speaking of predestination:
[AT&T commercial bit in the works]
I mean you could justify that for something like not getting a job in a certain area, but what about the time at my 10-year old birthday party that my dad broke a stinkbomb in my bedroom and locked me and all my friends in? Jeremiah puked all over my Batman trashcan! It was ruined! How could having that trashcan intact affect my life adversely?!
What about the time I was going number 1 in the urinal at my college's dining hall and then number 2 was like "SURPRISE!?" How does having to throw away my christmas-fun boxer shorts in my school's cafeteria fit into your plan, God?
God must just get kind of bored and think to himself: "ha-ha, they totally buy this whole 'plan' thing." I think God is that bully that would give you a wedgie and then stuff you in a locker when you were a kid.
Speaking of predestination:
[AT&T commercial bit in the works]
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Importance of Improv
I recently played at a bar show, my first bar show to date. I rambled in a coffee house for about 7-8 minutes, but a couple huffy old people who want to see their grandkid suck at guitar is nothing compared to about 20 sweaty drunks with no attention spans.
I followed a guy who couldn't tell a funny joke to save his life, and how he ever got started is beyond me. When he first stood up he started with: "ahem, I am also a sculptor and musician in addition to my comedy." If the rest of the audience was anything like me, they were confused the entire time. Listening to that guy was a time-sink. It was like being roofie-raped. I have never been roofie-raped, but I imagine it is something like this: staring, befuddled at some really tan douche-bag, wondering how he got this close to you.
The room was dead. They did not like this guy one bit. I don't blame them; I didn't like him, either. He went over his five minute time-limit by six minutes. Which is ballsy, but completely terrible unless you're gut-bustingly funny. And even then the other comics would be a bit put-off by it, probably.
Dave Shofer leaned over and told me "start hot." I was tremendously nervous as it was, without having to worry about picking up some chump's slack in a bar room. On the one hand this was terrible, because I was knotted over whether or not my material was actually going to work in this sort of environment. On the other, being this nervous made it really easy for me to stay in-character on stage with my semi-nervous nerdy persona. Which is really the most natural delivery I could think of.
As an aside: I may end up modifying that voice in the future when I become more comfortable on stage, but at the moment it allows me to keep my pacing in check with little effort. Simply because I can't speak fast with that voice.
I did extremely well. The room was laughing the entire time, jokes got laughs where expected, and the show room owner invited me back. So I didn't have to face the bomb, yet, but I know that I will, at some point.
What I learned from this experience was how completely crucial it is to engage the audience at a venue of this size. It's one thing to say "how is everyone doing tonight," but it's quite another to follow that up, run with it, and make unique jokes about the room, the audience as a whole, or the immediate area. I improv'd about a minute and a half of observations about the room, myself, and my relation to the audience. And aside from one other open micer and the headliner, no other acts went over quite that well.
I concluded based on the material ran, that it was because of how we engaged the audience. The headliner's actual bit went over far less well than him making fun of random drunks or hitting on girls half his age. One of the comedians I had been dreading competing against at Magooby's, Ben Rosen, was there. His bit was well received, as it should be since it's a really solid set, but I noticed a difference in audience reaction to his jokes here vs. a comedy club. It was drastic. My random bullshitting before I launched into my routine went over better than the rest of my routine, sans the Luke Skywalker of makin' out bit.
I'm digressing, though: what I thought about following a show like that was how intimate it is versus a comedy club, and how the audience has to be given a reason to give a shit about you. When people go to a big event for someone famous, they are going because they know they like that comedian and they're just hoping for a different sort of experience or to see new material. A lot of people have no idea why they even show up to these bar shows. At any given time I'd say a quarter of the audience were just nomadic drunks aimlessly wandering around.
Then I got to thinking about what would happen if I walked up to a customer in my store, just hypothetically, and started telling that person jokes that worked in my bit. The person would be confused. He/she would look at me like I was some sort of stupid jackass, and that assumption would not be inaccurate. What reason does that person have to care about my dumb jokes? Does that person have another agenda for being at the store? Yeah, definitely.
I know a bunch of guys (like, two) that just go to bars to find some chick with low self esteem that they can poon. I have to give those faggots some sort of reason to pay attention to me rather than some slut's soggy rotting vagina. If/when I ever hit it big, I can just ask: "how is everyone tonight" and then not care. Until that time, I need to make my routine for bar shows more conversational, and get audience input at any juncture where it makes sense.
My best joke at Magooby's was definitely my "I wouldn't have a dad" punchline. It went over about as well as a couple half-hearted improv jokes at the beginning, and it didn't do anything to get the audience on my side, other than make them laugh. Which yeah, is the point, but the audience was laughing at the moron that went over his time eventually, too.
I followed a guy who couldn't tell a funny joke to save his life, and how he ever got started is beyond me. When he first stood up he started with: "ahem, I am also a sculptor and musician in addition to my comedy." If the rest of the audience was anything like me, they were confused the entire time. Listening to that guy was a time-sink. It was like being roofie-raped. I have never been roofie-raped, but I imagine it is something like this: staring, befuddled at some really tan douche-bag, wondering how he got this close to you.
The room was dead. They did not like this guy one bit. I don't blame them; I didn't like him, either. He went over his five minute time-limit by six minutes. Which is ballsy, but completely terrible unless you're gut-bustingly funny. And even then the other comics would be a bit put-off by it, probably.
Dave Shofer leaned over and told me "start hot." I was tremendously nervous as it was, without having to worry about picking up some chump's slack in a bar room. On the one hand this was terrible, because I was knotted over whether or not my material was actually going to work in this sort of environment. On the other, being this nervous made it really easy for me to stay in-character on stage with my semi-nervous nerdy persona. Which is really the most natural delivery I could think of.
As an aside: I may end up modifying that voice in the future when I become more comfortable on stage, but at the moment it allows me to keep my pacing in check with little effort. Simply because I can't speak fast with that voice.
I did extremely well. The room was laughing the entire time, jokes got laughs where expected, and the show room owner invited me back. So I didn't have to face the bomb, yet, but I know that I will, at some point.
What I learned from this experience was how completely crucial it is to engage the audience at a venue of this size. It's one thing to say "how is everyone doing tonight," but it's quite another to follow that up, run with it, and make unique jokes about the room, the audience as a whole, or the immediate area. I improv'd about a minute and a half of observations about the room, myself, and my relation to the audience. And aside from one other open micer and the headliner, no other acts went over quite that well.
I concluded based on the material ran, that it was because of how we engaged the audience. The headliner's actual bit went over far less well than him making fun of random drunks or hitting on girls half his age. One of the comedians I had been dreading competing against at Magooby's, Ben Rosen, was there. His bit was well received, as it should be since it's a really solid set, but I noticed a difference in audience reaction to his jokes here vs. a comedy club. It was drastic. My random bullshitting before I launched into my routine went over better than the rest of my routine, sans the Luke Skywalker of makin' out bit.
I'm digressing, though: what I thought about following a show like that was how intimate it is versus a comedy club, and how the audience has to be given a reason to give a shit about you. When people go to a big event for someone famous, they are going because they know they like that comedian and they're just hoping for a different sort of experience or to see new material. A lot of people have no idea why they even show up to these bar shows. At any given time I'd say a quarter of the audience were just nomadic drunks aimlessly wandering around.
Then I got to thinking about what would happen if I walked up to a customer in my store, just hypothetically, and started telling that person jokes that worked in my bit. The person would be confused. He/she would look at me like I was some sort of stupid jackass, and that assumption would not be inaccurate. What reason does that person have to care about my dumb jokes? Does that person have another agenda for being at the store? Yeah, definitely.
I know a bunch of guys (like, two) that just go to bars to find some chick with low self esteem that they can poon. I have to give those faggots some sort of reason to pay attention to me rather than some slut's soggy rotting vagina. If/when I ever hit it big, I can just ask: "how is everyone tonight" and then not care. Until that time, I need to make my routine for bar shows more conversational, and get audience input at any juncture where it makes sense.
My best joke at Magooby's was definitely my "I wouldn't have a dad" punchline. It went over about as well as a couple half-hearted improv jokes at the beginning, and it didn't do anything to get the audience on my side, other than make them laugh. Which yeah, is the point, but the audience was laughing at the moron that went over his time eventually, too.
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