Daily Joke 2 - Staying Healthy

Could transition from "Fat Kid" routine: 

Since I've grown up I get a lot of advice from people, but I'm so confused with all the advice I get as to what advice to take and what advice to ignore.  

Everyone has something to say about nutrition; "don't eat so many carbs," "don't eat so much fat."  Well what the hell do I eat, then?!  Everything, other than fuckin' air has either a carb or a fat in it,. 

There was a lady in my last work office that would always tell me that I need to drink less diet soda, because it puts weight on people.  This lady was probably 300 pounds.

Now don't get me wrong: I don't have anything against her because she's fat.  I'd be a real hypocrite if I did that, because I used to be a porky little shit when I was younger because of [Skittle Soup Bit].  

The thing I have a problem with is how cake-zilla figures she can give me dieting advice even though whenever she goes jogging she gets chased by bawdy Australians with dart guns?  Thankfully she jogs only when the planets align...oh God...2012...

People like that, who give advice even though they have absolutely no right or reason to, befuddle me to the ends of the earth.  This lady giving me unsolicited dieting advice is like a criminal who is wanted for murder telling a kid not to jay walk or he might get in trouble. 

Daily Joke 1 - Back in the Day

Starting today I'm going to bang out at least one joke a day.  This may be a one-liner, or it may be a full bit.  Some days I may figure out a one-liner and then try to develop it, later, into a bit.  I know a guy who used to, in an effort to become a better photographer, take one "Photo of the Day" (PoTD).  He eventually found a stupid fiance and stopped trying to take decent photos.  He would still put up a PoTD, but it would usually be of whatever knife he bought, or a gun, or ammo.  It was lazy.

A lot of my daily jokes will be bad.  I'm not doing it to amass a repertoire of jokes I can throw around, but more so to try to actually figure out my writing style, refine it, and just generally always try to come up with something better.

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"Back in the Day":

On the tops of most people's "what I couldn't live without" lists, is probably the internet.  Google, wikipedia, facebook, twitter, to name a few, are things that have become as commonplace as cars.  The internet is something that kids will grow up having, something that companies and people use to make their lives infinitely more convenient, and something we are starting to take for granted.  The internet has revolutionized how we learn and share information.  It has opened doors for endless opportunities.  For example:

*building expectation*

Has anyone ever seen An Officer and a Gentleman?  Richard Gere is in it, and it is about Officer's Candidate School.  I LOVED that movie.  I got my hands on it when I was 10 years old.  It was one of those movies that I discovered before I could really understand it, but I thought it was amazing anyway.

*pause*

If I had had the internet when I was 10, I wouldn't have had to wear out the tape by rewinding that one awesome minute-long sex scene over and over and over again, and then explain to my parents, later, why it is the only part of the movie that no longer plays correctly.

If I had had google, I could have loaded up my computer after watching that scene over and over and over again, typed "inexplicably stiff penis" into the search bar, and known what the hell a "boner" was.

If I had had wikipedia, I could have learned about the multiple uses for a boner, so I'd of been able to figure out jacking off before I was 18.

If I had had facebook I could go friend the actress in that movie so I could stare intently at her pictures at 3am until the delirium and lack of sleep makes me think I can see her nipples.

And if I had twitter: I could take all my newfound knowledge and tweet about my boners, becoming one of the many people with things so urgent that they can't wait to be shared with the world.  My 10 year old tweets would be every bit as crucial as most of the tweets done TO THIS DAY.

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I might develop this joke in other ways in the future.  Like, rather than being that adult that says "back in my day kids had respect" I can say something like "back in my day kids had to deftly steal their dad's nude-y magazines when he wasn't home."

Losing My Job

I spent my previous Friday getting fired.  It was on the agenda eventually.  Invariably I leave all of my jobs because I'm not happy with them, but as I grow older I find that I don't have as much time to waste, and my performance got ahead of my nature.  In truth I didn't do my job poorly, as funny as it would be to joke about it.  I became the victim of office politics and a fragile ego.  These things happen.

Friday was rough.

I spent a lot of time thinking about why I got fired, and about the firing itself.  I didn't have any trouble figuring out who I should contact as soon as I got fucked though, and that was very comforting.  My weekend-of-suck continued on by me finding out, on Sunday, that I have to pay the government 3,700 dollars in federal taxes, and 366 dollars in state taxes.  It's cool, finding out immediately after you get fired that you owe lots of money.  That is Charlie-Sheen-Drug-Money.

Sunday was worrisome.

I have my best friend Birk to thank for cheering me up on Sunday.  We ate chips and drank beer.  Played some Rock Band.  I really miss that game.  Birk had work to do but made the time, anyway.  I really appreciated that.

Yesterday, and today, I don't feel so bad about it.  It's odd, even to me, but I feel more or less fine.  I owe money, but I can pay it back over time, and I can find another position.  I'm even giving myself a week to get completely settled and make sure that this isn't just me being out of touch with reality.  I'm often out of touch with reality, and its taken 25 years but I've learned to preempt myself.

Today is aiiight.

My comedy promoter (well, lots of people's) Dave has been taking great steps to cheer me up.  All of these cheer-ups revolve around mentioning that there are loose women that I can fuck.  He also mentions "with your no doubt huge cock."  I cracked-wise that "you know me all too well; nothing brings a smile to my face like becoming the first in a long line of mistakes of a young impressionable girl."  He has helped, though.  His ill-thought-out jokes about the situation make me see that this can be something that I can joke about, and that if it were truly dire, I wouldn't be able to.

I don't want to talk about the job-loss when people try to cheer me up.  Really, at this point I don't want to be cheered up.  I've told the story to so many people, and gone over it so many times, that it is just best to not even think about it outside of jokes that I might make about it.  Its not that I can't handle talking about it, or that it makes me feel bad when I do, but I hate explaining the same thing over and over again.  It's a pet peeve, and a big reason that I wouldn't be a very good teacher.

Tomorrow will be good.